Violet

"Where's dad?"

2009-08-24T10:56:00.001-07:00

When I say "where's dad?" with a quick cunning voice the girls immediately rush to the window in search of him. They look this way and that and if he is not there they settle back down. If he is home, they run to the door and wait anxiously for him to unlock the door and come in. They love him ever so much.

Red

2009-08-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

park

2009-08-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

I miss the park. I used to go a lot years ago. I would bring a blanket, books, my journal and a cold drink. Set it all out in my favorite spot, in the middle of an area that was sunk in that I liked to call the "cereal bowl". I would read and soak in the sun and feel comfortable and at home among the trees and green.

Goodies from the backyard

2009-08-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

button

2009-08-18T09:14:00.001-07:00

I won this vintage cigar box full of buttons on Ebay a few weeks ago. It finally arrived in the mail last week. I love it. The buttons span from the 1940s to the 1970s. I'm excited to make things with them. T-shirts with buttons, canvases with buttons in cute designs, button mobiles, scrapbook pages. Did I tell you I love buttons? Well, I do.

Camille

2009-08-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

Amelia's new nickname: Camille

Amelia's new game: Running outside through the garage and then instantly wanting to come in through the dining rooms sliding glass door. Her very secret exciting route of entry. The only way to stop her is to leave her outside for half the morning. Something she enjoys especially when she is with the fluffy-barky Isabelle.

Ring

2009-08-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

Here is my cutest little vintage ring. I absolutely adore it. It is so tiny I can hardly feel it on my finger, yet so detailed and interesting to look at. I couldn't get a good picture of it as it is so small, so this was the best I could do.

Girl With a Pearl Earring

2009-08-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished reading Girl With a Pearl Earring. It took me less than a week to read. It was a weird book, I couldn't put it down because I was waiting for the plot to thicken. It always seemed on the verge of getting brilliant and exciting but it never got there. I was surprised this book was so well praised and that a movie was made about it.

Now onto Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Wolf. I love Virginia and have a feeling she won't let me down.

Rest

2009-08-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

Organize

2009-08-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

Our house is so not organized. Poor house, he feels cluttered and rather lonesome. Once I feel a little better I am going to be an organizing machine and get the house in order. I love organizing in general. The finished product is so nice.

My blog is going through some changes. It will now be less about me and more about other things. There are a few reasons why but I won't get into them here. I'm a little sad about it but I think I'll adjust.

Wedding ring

2009-08-08T11:04:00.001-07:00

Ron just ordered me a new wedding ring from Etsy. This is just an in-between ring as my actual wedding ring isn't fitting at the moment and I don't want to get it resized until the Summer is over. This is from the fifties and I think it is oh so cute. I love the intricate details and how it has a cute little diamond in the center. The sides are yellow gold and the top of the ring is white gold which is awesome. It was a real steal of a deal and I can't wait to get it in the mail this week!

snapshots (little pictures from around the house)

2009-08-07T08:33:00.001-07:00

The jar of jewelry Shannon bought me on her thrift adventure.

Flowers on our bar.

Our mortgage payment.

Amelia's food dish.

Goodies in our office.

Our Summer bed.

assesment

2009-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last week my doctor raised my Lamictal to 150 mg. He keeps telling me that things will magically improve once I get to 200 mg and now I'm starting to believe him. I still feel as blue as a plate, but I have been able to do the dishes, I find pleasure in little things, and I can make the bed. These are big steps. I still don't have the energy to do the laundry or smile regularly but today I imagine it will come.

I'm extremely depressed though. I don't see the point to life, in fact I hate living, but I have no other option but to continue. When everything hurts so bad it is hard to keep going. My mantra is "keep moving forward" and I have been reminding myself of that constantly. Things feel blank yet muddled. I feel like I am standing in a white room full of people and screaming as loud as I can but no one hears me. I ache and ache with it. I feel nauseas all the time. I think it is self induced as I constantly imagine and long to wretch out my insides and cut out this disease. I know its a matter of synapse and seretonin, but I wish it were simpler.

I do find comfort in simple things like the way it feels when I start to fall asleep; that restful I can feel my heart beat feeling, getting slightly lost in a book, going window shopping when I can get myself out the door, and making the bed with our soft white fluffy blanket. I have also been loving little things like my pillow, all my books, the dogs sleeping next to me, the feeling of his skin, and the smell of the lotion I put on before bed.

I can't wait to get cooking again, creating again, feeling excited about something (anything) again. I used to cook and listen to sultry old music and drink wine while waiting for him to come home, I miss that. I miss feeling ok/stable and like I won't do something rash. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss laughing (really laughing). I miss feeling like Catherine.

I fake things a lot because I think I have to. I fake in emails, in relationships, in social situations. I smile even if I'm thinking the worst thought because I see everyone else smiling, I laugh when they laugh. I ask questions because they asked the question. I hide things, hide that I am in the cave, hide that I am chained and being beaten by my demon. I think I am good at hiding and I hate that but at the same time need it, otherwise I wouldn't stop crying.

I'm glad I have this place, this soft safe place to tell the truth.

bookie

2009-08-05T08:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I saw my doctor and he is putting me on some new medication that should give me an increase in energy. I had to get a blood test before I started taking it and it was rotten as my poor veins are so little and hard to find. The new medicine should take 1 to 3 weeks to kick in so we will see how it goes. I have to take it in the morning on an empty stomach so now all this elaborate planning as to the exact time I will take it and then when I will have breakfast and my other meds. I feel like I take medication around the clock, but really it is only three times a day.

I am hoping I will feel moderate soon, or wonderful. I will take wonderful.

In other news, I have been reading sweet sultry books in the evenings before bed. This time A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway describing his life in Paris in the 1920s, so rich and simple and good. It helps to read and get lost in a story when it feels like everything around you is falling apart.

worm

2009-08-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love books. I love books so much I had to set them on our dining room table. It reminds me of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Rope, where the two main characters kill a man and after, they invite his father over for a dinner party and to look at books that they have set out on the dining room table, all while the sons body is laying in a trunk in the room. Creepy and excellent at the same time. Anyway, there are books on our dining room table but luckily no bodies.

As usual, I'm not feeling good this morning. I am meeting with my doctor today and I'm going to talk to him about how I don't think my medicine is working. I feel just as bad as before I was taking medication. I hope he will understand and that we will make some changes. He is pretty cautious about doing any abrupt changes so we will see what happens. Most of the time I am glad he is cautious, right now though I hope he can understand how bad it is.

gone to pot

2009-08-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

As I have said before, I'm struggling a lot with my creativity these days. There are a lot of reasons. The biggest being that most of the time I don't have the energy to do things perfectly, which makes problems for me as I sew and then I get irritated and give up. Since I've been sick irritability has been at my doorstep, something I usually don't struggle with. Its to say the least, irritating.

Yesterday I worked on two black apple dolls and this is about as far as I got. After lots of seam ripping I realized that I cut the legs out in the same direction which means that some of the fabric was going to be inside out after I sewed. After a while I realized that making dolls is too intricate of a task for me at the moment. Once again, something I can't do right now. I feel like I'm being stripped of all the good things in my life.

Accept

2009-08-01T10:02:00.000-07:00

Last night Ron and I were talking about how I need to come to grips with where I am right now. I'm in a dark place, a place where I can only focus on surviving. I am immersed in my struggles because they take up all my energy. I was talking about how when I am doing well I can immerse myself in other things than only my hard time, but now isn't one of those times. Now its a fight to get through the days unscathed and level headed and I need to accept that. I need to be ok with that.

Maybe I can't craft as much as I like to, I can't start working on my Etsy store dream, I can't write like I used to, I can't go out as often as I would like to, I can't keep the house as clean as I would like, I can't cook as much as I want to. But I am surviving right now, and in survival mode you have to let everything go and have your only focus be providing for your immediate needs.

So in that light here is my new life plan:

Get out of bed every morning
Eat lots of fruit and vegetables
Journal when I can
Craft when I have the energy
Keep the house somewhat livable and ask Ron for help
Read as often as I can
Watch movies
Keep my chin up
Continue blogging
Take care of myself physically (shower, paint nails, put on perfume, brush hair)
Ask for what I want
Pay the bills
Take care of the dogs
Go to the grocery store for flowers and produce once a week

I hate living like this. It makes me feel like such a failure. But really I need to remember that I am in a battle for my life and I need to let everything go and focus on fighting as hard as I can.

This is life simplified to the lowest common denominator. Maybe I will learn something. Maybe I will let go. Wish me luck.

Vintage kitchen

2009-07-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures of our cute vintage kitchen. It is tiny and reminds me of something you would find in a dollhouse and it is one of my favorite parts of the house. I never thought I would love faded orange countertops next to old dark brown cabinets. Its tiny and intimate and ours. One day we will remodel and I am looking forward to having more space, but I have to say I will miss this quirky little kitchen.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 1:30 shopping on Ebay for beads and fabric. I didn't buy anything, but I'm watching a zillion items. Then I tossed and turned the rest of the night unhappy and reticent. So now to a dark blue morning. I feel shaded, sunk, collapsed.

"The bleeding hearts nailed to the side"

2009-07-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

I have been searching for my Bible for a long time now. It is a thin burgundy leather, all broke in and cozy to use. Pressed in it are flowers from our wedding and all the comforting Psalms and most of Job are highlighted. I found it last night after saying a brief prayer about it. I haven't read the Bible in about two years. I'm so tired and downtrodden in regards to God, but I'm going to try again. Right now I really need some comfort and I hope reading the Bible will help. Even if I don't know whether I believe in God, the thoughts and ideas are expressive, poetic and have the ability to comfort.

I'm feeling ok this morning. Hoping the one and a half pills at bedtime are working. Today I am having lunch with Shannon and then crafting. I have cut out the patterns for two dolls, one white with blond hair and one yellow with purple hair.

So many birds are chirping outside. Mostly Blue Jays and a few little brown stout ones. The brown ones are so cute and hoppy, I want to name them cute names like Elizabeth and Henry.

"I consider the days of old, the years long ago"

2009-07-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

Life seems better in retrospect. I think back on when Ron and I first got together and in retrospect things appear so perfect. Then I remember the parents rules, the long drive to see each other, lonely nights without him, my constant crying, trying to figure out how we could be together. I remember the first time I told him we should get married in September. We had only been together for seven months and engaged for two. I can still see him standing by the stove in his parents kitchen helping me cook pasta (my first dinner for him) as I brought up the idea. He responded with interest but warily and we spent the evening sitting in the backyard planning our future together. Marriage in September was one of the best ideas I've ever had.

In retrospect, even last year looks better than right now. Last year I was more active, smaller, busy house hunting. This year we live in a dilapidated doll house (which I heart greatly), I feel like a whale, and have no energy whatsoever. Then I remember last years struggles; the thoughts beckoning me, Ron staying home with me all the time because I couldn't trust myself, the absolute haunting and curse that began.

I am still haunted, cursed, every horrible sad word, but I'm stronger now, more ready to face it. I have checks and balances in my head to keep me from falling off the edge. I keep the doors and windows in my mind closed up tight, the curtains drawn, trying to hide from my demon. He still finds his way in...

"I don't dance anymore, think I'd like to I've lost touch."

2009-07-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm down this morning. I woke up thinking "I hate Tuesdays" and can't get the thought out of my head. I'm so tired of having the blues and being so exhausted.

I'm meeting with Dr. K today and we need to have a serious talk about what is going on with me. I don't think the Lamictal is working and I think we need to try something else. Its scary to switch medications because of all the side effects. The side effect I am most worried about is weight gain as I have already gained so much weight being on Abilify. Oh well, I need to remember that my feeling good is more important than the number on the scale but that can be hard when you live in a skinny-mini town in California.

Its hard to be struggling so much. I have one or two moderate days where I can smile and laugh and have a little fun followed by a mass of bad days where getting out of bed is difficult. The little things of being sick drive me crazy like the house is a mess, I don't cook dinner, I don't get out of the house. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel that I can't. My body and mind and soul scream that I can't.

But he, Ronald, is sweet and understanding. He works for us, comes home and cleans, takes Tuesdays off to take me to my appointments, doesn't care what size I am, spoils me with the things I need to be creative, loves me in spite of myself. I'm so thankful to have him in my life

Poor Amelia

2009-07-27T09:13:00.001-07:00

This one is going to the vet today as we suspect she has a urinary tract infection. Poor girl. We need to give her some cranberry juice.

This weekend was pretty good. Saturday I spent the day with Melanie. Sunday we relaxed and went to Walnut Creek to walk around and see The Orphan. That afternoon I did some sewing on my new machine. It is so quiet and nice, I am thoroughly impressed. I made some dog toys just to practice with all the functions.

I'm feeling a little blue today for a few reasons. Its Monday so that doesn't help. I'm still adjusting from the doctor lowering my Cymbalta. I'm feeling pretty good with it overall though. We'll see what happens.

crafting and the lost boy

2009-07-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Its morning and I haven't had breakfast yet because I'm too tired to get up. Of course I always have energy to blog...

I cried a lot last night and am feeling rather weepy and down this morning. But I'm going to craft regardless. I think I'm going to work on making a doll. I want to start working on my eggshell doll, but I don't know if I feel creative enough to design it, cut out a pattern etc... So perhaps a black apple doll.

My new sewing machine arrived yesterday. It is so fancy and I am very excited about it. The stitch diagram looks like some alien language. Its all a little confusing but I'm hoping I can figure it out.

In other news, we lost our dear kitty Oliver last night. We didn't really know he was gone until around midnight when we didn't hear his little meow and pitter-patter throughout the house. We searched all his hiding places and he was no where to be found. Then we started to search the backyard and heard some faint meowing only to find him in the front yard walking up to the doorstep. This was a little scary as we love the little guy and it reminded us of the first time he went missing as a kitten. So glad to have the Boocheesey back!

issues

2009-07-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going to force myself to do things in spite of my desire to stay on the couch to cry and sigh the day away. It will be hard but I think I can do it. The house is a wreck and I have to go to Kaiser to pick up my medications at the pharmacy.

My new sewing machine should arrive on my doorstep today. I have been questioning my creativity lately. I can't imagine selling things on Etsy. I can't imagine making anything anyone would want to buy. I can't imagine making anything that I am satisfied with. Ron says I haven't really tapped into my creativity, I wonder if I have anything to tap into.

I feel like I'm running out of parts of myself. Running out of patience, creativity, grace, peace, gentleness. I hold the rungs tightly but I am starting to fall. I slip slowly and my hands burn and pinch and hurt. Sometimes the slipping is the hardest part.

But for now, just get out of bed, have some breakfast and move forward.

shit

2009-07-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to find little pretty things in the house to take pictures of since I've been such a sick little home girl these days. And no, that is not in a ghetto way. This has been a miserable week so far.

My doctor has been lowering my dose on Cymbalta the last two weeks. This is a good thing except for the dizziness and nausea that getting off of it causes. I feel pretty shitty in general. I'm having more bad days than good days. I just sleep all the time because there seems to be no point in doing anything and I have no energy to get up and get going.

I can't describe how exhausted I am. Its like when you have the flu and are so damn tired, but that tiredness never goes away no matter how much sleep you get. I'm feeling rather pointless and have no idea why this has to happen to me.

This is a bit of a whiny post but sometimes I just have to vent about how terrible this illness is.

Bad things:

depression
bipolar
messy house
too much sleep
hopelesness

Good things:

Ronald
Netflix
Dr. K
Dr. Muzzafar
New sewing machine arriving tomorrow

Spinning

2009-07-21T09:50:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of the lanterns above the teacups at Disneyland. I love to look at them as we spin and see all the weird colors and shapes. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm spinning now, and we aren't at Disneyland.

For one thing my medication is making me dizzy, this is the weirdest feeling and I end up staying on the couch even more because I don't want to fall over. Life seems to be spinning around me as I am stationary, but at the same time, I feel like I'm spinning in circles and leaving life in the dust. This is Bipolar disorder as you and I well know. The ups and the downs. Sadly, I have Bipolar II which means I don't get the ecstatic highs, but instead get the melancholy highs of racing thoughts and anxiety. I will have two "high" days followed by three or four down days. This illness is horrible in its ability to strike me down flat on my face right when I think I am making progress.

Off to therapy now. Wish me luck as I have to explain this as well as several other things in fifty minutes. Sometimes I feel so rushed...

"Its just that at night I've got nowhere to hide"

2009-07-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

I'm up early because I'm not feeling well. Its frustrating. I am frustrated about a lot of things these days. Here are a few:

Kaiser doesn't want to cover my medication
New side effects
Old side effects
I'm sick today
Crafting is on hold
We don't have a/c and its hotter than Hades
My thumb goes numb inexplicably

In other news. I am loving reading these days. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez is such a delicious book. Plus I'm quite into poetry right now. Especially the poems of Anna Akhmatova, W.H. Auden, and the lustful mystical poems of Allen Ginsberg.

Today to going to the market and then to resting in order to quench this blank sickness.

Not in the mood

2009-07-17T11:18:00.001-07:00

to post much today. I had one of the worst tension headaches of my life last night. It was horrible. Seven ibuprofen, an ice pack, a head massager, a nights sleep and one heat pad later the tension has moved from my head to my neck and shoulders. Woop-dee-doo.

Wish me better please.

Tonight to go see Brand New in the city and tomorrow to Hanford (we have to leave at four in the morning!).

2009-07-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, air conditioning how I miss you. Its a hot Summer and you aren't here, except for a very tiny unit in the dining room that hardly cools us down. I wish you were close and throughout the house and that I could feel your cool air upon me.

Its a down, blue, hot morning. Down because I'm blue, blue because I'm hot, and so on and so forth. All of it muddles up like a giant ball of yarn and rolls over me *ouch*. I get stuck to it and roll along, half-hurting for the day. It all sounds very whimsical and dreamy but its not.

Good things:

Our talk last night
Isabelle didn't die from choking
The new healthy eating plan
Coffee with Melanie

Bad things:

Heat
Blurred vision
Nausea
Working on the weekend

Wants and gots

2009-07-15T09:18:00.000-07:00

Here is a vintage poster I want. I love the colors and her expression. It is only $19.99 for a print, such a good deal and I think it would look fabulous in our dining room (once we paint it powder blue).

I need a new sewing machine as mine is so old and dilapidated. I haven't done any sewing for about a month. No doll making, no quilts, and I miss it. This is the new sewing machine I want but it is rather expensive so I need to be patient

Ron just bought me this glorious perfume. It is usually $75 but he got it for a steal ($37) on Amazon! I have had a bottle of this before and it is my absolute favorite besides Channel No. 5. I am so happy to wear it today. So spoiled to have such a sweet boyfriend.

"I am the grass, let me work."

2009-07-14T09:21:00.000-07:00

Once again, its therapy day. I've already taken a nap as my medication causes me to have extremely vivid dreams at night that keep me from resting. Last nights dreams were that our neighbors were peeking into our house, a murder mystery at a beauty contest, and one about Shirley Temple. I feel like I've only had two hours of sleep, which is rotten.

I have a lot to talk about in therapy today. I really need to figure out these medication side effects and see if there is anything we can do to assuage them, I hope there is. Then to get out some of this rotting that is occurring right in my center.

In other news, I am going to do a little clothes shopping tomorrow which I am rather excited about. Hopefully I can find some skirts and cute blouses. We shall see...

drink

2009-07-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

I feel messy today. Still in my pajamas with a frowny face; nothing cheers me up. I'm down about several things and the depression slithers in closer like a sick lover that I despise. He puts his arm around me and tries to settle me down as I panic at his closeness. His stagnant breath on my cheek, his eyes peering through my sick flesh.

Drinking is easy. Drinking can make your cares fade for a few moments. But drinking to end cares is not for me. Even though I crave it along with cigarettes terribly when I'm down. Nicotine and alcohol are wonderful ways to whore yourself out to the needs of the flesh. Instead I settle with the occasional drink and I allow my lust for caffeine to run rampantly.

Its hard when the demon is with me. Its hard when he is away because I anticipate him coming back filled with vengeance. Troubles, troubles, I am troubled. To get through the day unscathed--that is my wish and hope.

Good things:

Ronald
Love in the Time of Cholera
Coffee

Bad things:

Weight
Waiting
Medication
Swollen fingers
Tears
The demon
Weekends ending too soon
Side effects

two

2009-07-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt I was single and having a long distance relationship with a forty year old man. I was so happy to wake up to Ron kissing me before he left for work. He is the best.

I have been doing a ton of cleaning as the Tri-Valley Whiskey Society is meeting at our little house tomorrow. Since I have been sick (especially the past two years) I haven't been able to do a lot of cleaning unless I really force myself or get lucky in having good days. It makes it so when I clean there is so damn much to do. Ron took Winnie to work so I can vacuum and sweep as she loves to attack those things. She is such a silly one...

Things to do today:

Clean
Pick up meds
Go to Safeway for party goodies
Bathe dogs
Read

This one

2009-07-09T07:47:00.001-07:00

wakes me up at 7:30 every morning so we can snuggle on the couch...

The past two days I have stopped taking one of my medications for the muscle stiffness Abilify causes and I am much less tired. Its exciting to have a little more energy. Yesterday I was able to go grocery shopping, bake cookies (which I am eating for breakfast), and clean some of the house. I was acting quite house wife-y.

Is it possible for me to have two good days in a row? Lately not, but my meds were raised on Tuesday and I am feeling rather (rawther) not-so-bad this morning. Its quite-very exciting.

Last night Ron and I read for about two hours. He read John Adams and I read Love in the Time of Cholera. I was racing through the romantic, passionate, lively pages. The book is wildly descriptive which is so inspiring to the writer in me. It was lovely.

Things to do today:

Trim my hair
Lunch with Shannon and Melanie
Go to Target for candles, a large vase, a toothbrush, and rug tape
Bible study tonight

"Oh, my talking bird"

2009-07-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

This poster is on our mantle and its a lesson I'm trying to learn every day. To keep calm in the midst of feeling like my world is crashing around me, and to carry on in spite of my desire to stay in bed and hide.

Therapy was good and hard yesterday. I snuggled a pillow and cried for an hour. Cried about how exhausted I am emotionally and physically, cried about how hard it is to get through the days. We took a big step back and realized that I have to lower the standards I hold myself to. I need to accept that getting through the day is a success, even if I do nothing but sleep all day that way I won't be so disappointed when all my fabulous morning plans go to pot. This makes me sad and relieved at the same time. Sad because I want to do more, relieved because I can just rest and take care of myself. I need to remember that I am sick, I have an illness, its not just an emotional problem, its not a weakness--its depression.

I'm really in a low dark creepy crawly place this week but am holding on. My medication has been raised once again so I hope that will help soon. Now to rest and do simple easy tasks.

Things I might do today:

Go to the market
Bake cookies
Do a small art project
Read

Home team

2009-07-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

Last night we went to a Giants game with Shannon and Kevin. It was a really exciting game and the giants ended up taking it down. I don't know much about baseball but Ron was sweet enough to explain everything to me. We had a lot of fun watching the game and the orange full moon rise across the bay.

Today I have therapy and am dreading it like hell. I'm not in a vulnerable or open mood today so that is going to make it hard as I will get pried open like a boiled lobster. Oh well.

"You can even keep the name, it never suited me"

2009-07-06T09:33:00.001-07:00

I made some journals for our second cousin and her children. She just lost her husband and the kids their father so I thought I would try to do something. This was the only thing I could think of and I hope it helps them in some small way.

Today is a dog day. We are watching Winnie as Paul and Laura are on the houseboat. All three of them are sleeping beside me, very tired after so much play. They are very cute, silly and stinky.

Now to organize my craft room and then tonight we are going to a Giants came with Shannon and Kevin. Should be fun.

Americana

2009-07-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

Last night we had a fourth of July barbecue with a few friends. It turned out nice and comfortable and yummy. We all sat outside in Paul and Laura's cute backyard and talked and ate, it was really relaxing. My camera's battery died at the start of the party so these are the only photographs I was able to take.

Later in the evening we lit some cigars. This wasn't my first cigar, but it was my first time smoking one by myself. It was yummy with my bourbon and ginger ale but not so good with frosted sugar cookies.

I ended up drinking way too much and getting drunk. I've never been drunk before so this was a first for me, unintentional mind you. I felt awful all night, wildly apologetic to everyone, nauseas with the damp earthy taste of cigar in my mouth. Now I have a headache. I hate drinking too much as I don't like feeling out of control. At least I learned that 1 beer and 4 bourbon and ginger ales is well above my limit.

Ron and Kevin ended the evening playing video games--Rock Band and Ghostbusters which looked terribly fun and scary to little old me.

Today we are just going to watch movies, play games and nurse me back to health. How was your fourth?

Thifterella

2009-07-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went thrifting with Shannon. It was so much fun to spend time with her after a few weeks apart. We started the day with some yummy Starbucks and found some great free books on the donation shelf (a good sign of what was to come). Here are some of the goodies I found.

Some gorgeous vintage fabric. I love the print and I got a yard and a half for $1.25! A gold necklace, and a vintage print of a rabbit, I love the chunky frame.

I found so many great books I've been wanting to buy at Barnes and Noble (five books in all) and this cute little silhouette in a silver frame.

A vintage sugar bowl that will match our kitchen perfectly and a bunch of tins from someones old tin collection.

An olive green salad bowl and a vintage gin decanter.

I am so excited about all my finds and now need to find a little place in the house for each.

Tonight we are having a little fourth of July barbecue with a few friends. Happy fourth of July!

Feelings

2009-07-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

Ron is getting a physical from a male nurse at the house for life insurance. Its kind of awkward as first, his name is Carl, and second, he is a male nurse, and third, the dogs are in the garage barking incessantly. It reminds me something that would be in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Here is something I wrote about depression. Its quite graphic and I almost don't want to post it, but this is the most true description I've ever seen of how it feels and what its like. And this is one place where I feel I can be completely honest.

I go to this dark place. This cave where my demon lives, he is always with me, behind my eyelids, in my stomach he looms and yet he is out of me, in situations, in the cave beckoning me to come closer. My demon comes out of the cave with his chains, I sit on the ledge of the cliff, he grabs me drags me in, my fingernails rip apart the skin falls of my arms and hands as I grasp and hold onto the rocky ground. It doesn’t hurt, not as bad as being in the cave so I hold on, grasp and clench at anything that can save me from going back. From being chained up in the darkness. The murky stark darkness of ruin. My death sentence, another bout of depression.

Pills

2009-07-01T08:13:00.001-07:00

I take thirty-five pills a week. Pills to help me feel present, in control, calm, safe from the monster of doom. Lately, I've doubted their ability to work and only seem to notice their ability to make me gain weight. They do help though, in little/big ways. I haven't gone to my dark place for a while, I am on the cusp of the cave, but not in it quite yet. It seems that I creep closer and closer to it as the days go by...but I'm still not in it so that counts for something.

Yesterday my therapist said the only thing that shows my personality is my tattoos. And that I look like a librarian, but have a murderous rage simmering right in my center. These things are hard to hear, especially when I know they are true. I'm so angry at so many things but don't know how to express it, so I get stuck in looking pleasant, acting pleasant and trying to keep all my loose ends tied up. If you think about it, its really a 1950s state of mind. No wonder I admire that era so much.

Good things:

Pills
Carnations
Ice cream
My art room
Sleep

Bad things:

Pills
Feeling like shit
A messy house
Amelia eating my shoes
Irritability

Weeds

2009-06-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

Here are some weeds from our hay and weed filled backyard. They are strange, prickly, and enormous. Some, like the one below, is growing through the leaves of a tree and is as tall as me. I like taking pictures of ugly things and trying to find something beautiful or interesting about them.

Today is therapy. Ron usually takes me, but he has to work so I'm on my own. I'm already running late as I should be in the shower right now, but don't really care. I feel old and rotten, overused like so much rubbish.

Good things:

Ronald
Amelia and tennis balls
Pajamas
Yoga Journal
Apple juice

Bad things:

Feeling worthless
My wedding ring doesn't fit during the Summer because my finger swells
Cramps
Being alone
Hiccups

Breakfast

2009-06-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

My orange juice and powder blue coffee mug looked so pretty in the sun this morning. Its nice to be home and having a slow morning. I woke up when Ron left for work (6 am) and am hoping to have a productive day.

This picture is a little blurry but I love Amelia's silly morning face. Paul taught her to play fetch while we were gone. She will bring a toy back and if you say "thank you" she will give it to you. So cute!

Isabelle didn't learn any new tricks but does have a sleepy face this morning.

I'm feeling pretty good this morning. Last night I dreamt our house was falling apart, happy to wake up and realize there are only two holes in the floor rather than hundreds. I love our little bungalow.

The end of an era

2009-06-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

We are at the airport with time to kill before our flight. I don't like saying things like "kill" when we are about to go on an airplane, but I just did. As you can see, I am very scared of flying. I already have one Klonopin in me (my pill that gives me the bravery to fly) and may need to take another one before we leave. This morning I was lying in bed with my heart pounding nearly out of my skin imagining our fateful deaths that felt imminent. Silly me.

We have had a great trip. Last night we went to dinner with jk3a (aka Jared) wiltontilt (aka aaron) and there wives and a few others. It was a lot of fun. Jared and Aaron are both professional poker players and Jared is Ron's poker coach. They are all really down to earth, laid back and cool. The buffet we went to is famous for its spicy crab legs and shrimp. Since I hate seafood with a passion I had turkey and mashed potatoes. I wish I took a picture of all the shrimp and crab that was on the table! All the guys had two to three heaping plates of the stuff, it was crazy. Sadly, the shrimp, or scrimp as Ron calls it, didn't settle too well in his belly so he has some eaters remorse.

Jesus was hanging from the ceiling in the Rio! I think it is supposed to be a lady, but her veil looks like a beard and as we know, Jesus is a party-er. He was right in the middle of the dancing ladies and slutty songs of sin city Vegas. I wonder what he was thinking, but love him nonetheless.

I'm excited to be coming home. It was nice to relax and hang out, but I am ready to get back to life- our little house and the puppies. I missed them terribly. Aaron and his wife Missy have the cutest puppy named Dexter. He is a King Charles Cavilier Spaniel, 5 months old and so friendly. We did a lot of snuggling. I wish he could meet Amelia, Isabelle and Winnie as I'm sure they would be fast friends.

xox

"When I was drinking when I was with you"

2009-06-27T09:57:00.001-07:00

Its our last full day here in Vegas. So far it has been fun and relaxing. We are losing at poker but still have the whole day to hopefully turn that around.

Last night Ron took me to see the Phantom of the Opera. We have seen it here at least three times but it is such a great show we wanted to see it again. Then we went to the Grand Luxe Cafe for a late dinner. And to top it all off we had milkshakes from room service for dessert. We had a thoroughly good time.

Good things:
Ronald
We get to see the puppies tomorrow
Booze
Naps
My medication can now be covered through my insurance instead of paying out of pocket, a savings of $1000 a month.

Bad things:
Someone scraped up our rental car
We are losing
Our room has a turquoise headboard
Fanny packs

Oh

2009-06-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

We are in our hotel room waiting for room service to bring our breakfast. We stayed out until midnight last night so we were very tired as we are like old people and usually go to bed around ten.

Yesterday was fun. We got an ugly red rental car and got lost quite a bit on the way to the hotel and to Jared’s house (Ron’s poker coach). We ate some yummy food at Noodle Asia at the Venetian and I played a little poker before watching Ron play a wild game of Pot Limit Omaha with a bunch of friends and professional poker players. It was rather intimidating as they pulled out thick wads of hundred dollar bills. Ron lost, but it was still a fun experience.

I’m feeling pretty good. Just trying to relax and have fun with my honey. Wish us luck today as I assume we are going to be playing a lot of poker…

air

2009-06-24T15:25:00.001-07:00

I am writing this in the airplane. All I see our blue seats, the wing, murky desert hills and sky. I take my free flowing klonopin, the only drug that can get me to actually go on a plane and feel calm, collected and Catherine. I have a routine, once we get to the airport, through security and checking our bags, I go to the nearest shop and buy a coke and some m&ms (my airliner comfort). We try to sit in the exit row as I get claustrophobic easily and the extra room helps. Not this time though as the exit rows were full. Second best is a seat in the back and hoping someone doesn’t sit next to us, not so lucky this time. Then I eat my candy and read a magazine until we take off. Once we take off, I rest, I write. I always tend to think deeply on the airplane so it’s a good time to get my thoughts out. The klonopin helps as it slows down racing thoughts and anxiety and helps me think straight.

I painted my nails dark red and am ready for the day. Tonight we are meeting some of Ron’s friends to play a poker game. It should be fun but I am a little nervous about meeting new people. I am really shy and I hope that doesn’t come across as me being rude or uncaring.

I am trying to break some of my bad habits, one of them being to stop finishing people’s sentences. I hate when I do that, and I do it every time someone fumbles over their words. It’s a sign of not actively listening, my mind races and guesses what they will say next. I am trying to do better.

Wish me luck in more ways than one.

xox

Seashells

2009-06-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

Here is the Mary I am thinking of getting on my forearm. I think she is quite beautiful and introspective.

Today I have therapy. My medication will be raised which could be good/bad/good. Good because it may help me feel better, bad because it adds another pill to my repertoire.

I have our packing list all ready for Vegas. I have a love-hate relationship with packing. Actually more of a hate relationship with packing. But soon we will be off to a good time in the city of sin.

Losing streak

2009-06-22T08:35:00.001-07:00

On Wednesday we are leaving for a five day trip to Las Vegas. We are meeting some of Ron's friends there. They are all professional poker players so I am rather intimidated because I am so rusty at playing poker. But it should be really fun. I'm excited to relax and have maid service and be with my honey.

We are going to spend our winnings (if we win) on tattoos. I am debating whether I want to get my Mother Mary or the Gibson Girl. I am going to get both eventually but am not sure the order in which I want to get them. I am so ready for some more tattoos and hope beyond hope that we win.

Missing!

2009-06-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

One yellow puffer fish! This was one of Isabelle's first toys and it has gone missing. She loves to suck on it and fall asleep doing a little paw dance. We like to call this habit of hers "puffing" since, after all, he is a puffer fish. If you spot him in the ice cream shop or Neiman Marcus please promptly return him to this lonely little puppy.

I am in the office with Ron since he is alone here and I was having a rotten morning. Last night we went to the Bridge (a Bible study) and I realized that I have to either decide to believe in God and figure him out, or decide to not believe and stop going to church. I decided I'm going to give him a chance and pulled out my Bible that has been on the bookshelf unread for about two years. I am going to read through the Psalms as they are full of appeals to God for strength, comfort and answers, which is what I need right now. Its hard because I am so bitter at God. I don't understand how he can let me and other people suffer so much. I feel so done with prayer and hope and the belief that he is a good god. In the same token, I can't imagine my life without him.

Today is Mike's memorial service. We couldn't attend since we are taking care of things down here. Tomorrow his daughter comes down to go to a camp for kids with skin diseases. We are going to spend some time with her. I hope I can be comforting and understanding. I just can't imagine how hard this time must be for them.

Cigarettes

2009-06-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have been using old pictures as I haven't been in the mood to take my camera out for a while. There is just too much going on in my mind right now to think of being artsy.

Its a melancholy morning. I wish I didn't have this demon depression hanging on my back like so many rigid boulders. I cry myself to sleep, I rumple-tumble through the days like so many pieces of sand through the hourglass.

Bad things:

I feel like curse words.

My sewing machine keeps breaking.

I am unmotivated.

Having to take pills just to feel partly alive.

Good things:

Peonies

Amelia and Isabelle

Our adorable wreck of a house.

I can drink.

New

2009-06-17T16:08:00.001-07:00

What do you think of the blogs new look?

Sandman

2009-06-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

I really want these sandals. They remind me of something Katherine Hepburn would wear in the movie Summertime. I love all the straps and tiny buckles.

The puppies are hot and sleeping. There is an evil fly in the house. I'm tired and in a nappy mood.

Last night we had Lori and Karen over for dinner and games. The food turned out good and we had fun playing Rock Band and Scrabble. Tonight we are having Laura and Melanie over for dinner which should be fun.

I'm thinking about life and death a lot since Mike Peade died in a tragic motorcycle accident over the weekend. Its shocking to me. Life can be so short. Tragic things can happen in the blink of an eye. I feel so much for Sharon and the kids. I wish there was more that we could do. I wish we could bring him back. I wish so many things that won't happen, can't happen.

201

2009-06-16T11:55:00.000-07:00

I just finished cleaning the house for our company tonight. Should be fun and we are having quite a yummy dinner with grilled chicken, corn and vegetable kabobs.

I just read some of my blog entries from last year and read this and thought of how true it is:

"Depression isn't what I thought it was before I had it--just down in the dumps. Instead its like your constantly losing something, like a death in the family feeling with no one else knowing, but you know and know well and scream inside and no one hears. I'm losing something, I'm losing myself in the brick black cave of death."

Winifred

2009-06-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

Here is Paul and Laura's bulldog Winifred. She is sweet and burly-rolly. Slow and steady; the lover of wicker brooms which she tears to bits. She loves a belly rub and drinks water out of water bottles just like a human. She is constantly on a diet and working on her vivacious-piggy figure.

In other news:

I am forced to finally clean the house today as we are having company tonight which is a wonderful thing because we are drowning in mess.

This is my 200th post on blogger, which is sort of a landmark/exciting.

Amelia just stole some of my coffee after spilling it on the floor and she liked it.

Laughing in the dark

2009-06-15T11:02:00.001-07:00

Our Isabelle is spunky and spirited. She is a 15 pound mess of fur and stubbornness, so strong willed and determined to chase deer, squirrels, Amelia. One of her best friends is Winnifred the fifty pound bulldog. She is little miss sunshine. Happy and content with simple things like her favorite toy the hedgehog, which she spends an hour each day holding in her mouth while she sleeps. She is one of the cutest little monster dogs I've ever met.

Our living room/honeybee

2009-06-13T10:21:00.000-07:00

Our fireplace is my favorite now that its white.

Lanterns and you can see our drywalled entryway in the background.

The only wallpaper left in the house. I think its burlap or something similar.

We just finished decorating the living room this morning. Its nice to have another room nearly finished in the house. We still have to do the baseboards and some molding around a doorway but it looks mostly put together.

We have a bee hive somewhere around our house near one of our living room windows and they keep sneaking in through a small crack in the window hinge. Its scary as I am horribly afraid of bees. Yesterday I woke to ten bees on the window sill, luckily most of them were half dead. Then four more in the afternoon, and this morning we already have had one breaking through. Not fun.

I'm not feeling so great today. The dim weather outside doesn't help either.

xox

Melia, sit!

2009-06-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

Amelia is one of the funniest dogs I ever met. She is spunky, klutzy and absolutely wild at times. As well as sweet, gentle, and terribly lazy. Her favorite new game is trying to get two toys in her mouth at once. She isn't very good at it yet, but it sure is fun to watch.

Other things:

I am working on starting my own Etsy store: Cate Q Studio. I will be selling jewelry and lots of other fun goodies. I'm excited/nervous/dreamy about it.

I'm not feeling so good today. Just tired and downtrodden.

This weekend I'm hoping we make it over to the Farmers Market to buy some fresh flowers and yummy vegetables.

Sugar

2009-06-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

I love carnations. They smell so sweet and yummy.

Ron is teaching and I'm home with the dogs trying to get motivated for the day. I think my new medication is starting to kick in a bit as I have a bit more energy and its a little easier to get out of bed in the morning. I also found out that I am allowed to drink again, after a week of being booze free, I'm happy to get back on the wagon and have a drink or two.

Our living room feels quite delicious and cozy these days. We are almost done decorating, just need to hang some lanterns and then I will post some pictures of the finished product.

I haven't been crafting or writing much these days. One big reason is that my art room is an absolute mess/disaster. I will clean it this week and get going on some more projects.

Ron and I have been talking a lot about what we want to do with our lives and who we want to be. I love talking with him, he is so deep and introspective-interesting. I don't really know what I want to do once I'm better. I have some little ideas but they are such a non-reality right now as I'm completely focused on getting through my illness. I hate being sick, but I know this is my lot in life and I have to do the best I can to get better. I do imagine myself wearing a 50's style dress and selling bouquets of flowers at the Farmers Market one day. I think that will happen, or at least I am somewhat hopeful it will. That is something to hold on to.

xox

Before and after part 1

2009-06-09T08:56:00.001-07:00

Scary ugly fireplace.

Our phantom frame silhouettes.

Dirty walls.
Ron the paint boss.

Our gorgeous Icelandic bright white fireplace!

So pretty!

Now to decorating. I will post pictures of that next. This room looks so different its crazy. It was so dingy and old, now it looks sleek and chic.

after thought

2009-06-08T10:19:00.000-07:00

We painted all weekend. Now I feel like I need another weekend just to recharge. No more scary frame outlines on the walls (woopee). I will post before and after pictures soon.

Today is my sister in-law Melanie's birthday. She took the day off work so we are going to venture out to Ikea and have a yummy afternoon lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Oh yes, we are awesome.

Got up early and went grocery shopping this morning, bought flowers, vegetables, fruit and the like and filled my cart so full that the bagger had trouble putting everything back in. Now we have lots of yummies to keep us satisfied.

I am feeling pretty good today and felt pretty good over the weekend. We'll see how long this lasts.

xox

blue-green

2009-06-05T09:38:00.001-07:00

Here is our paint color swatch. The top two are the ones we are using in the entryway, hall and living room. I think they are so calm and airy looking I can't wait to get painting this weekend.

I feel tired and gloomy this morning. Just dragging myself to get breakfast, wake up, etc. I'm so tired of down days. I can't believe this is my life at times, its overwhelming. Most of the time I can't think about it. I can only force myself to keep going.

Hair dresser

2009-06-04T11:00:00.001-07:00

I have cut my own hair for about a year now and I think this cut is the best one yet. I trimmed the ends and added some layers. I think it looks rather rock and roll which is what I was going for. What do you think?

Its my second day on my new medication and I'm a bit less worried about the side effects. Haven't felt any difference in my mood yet, but we'll see what happens a few days from now. Hopefully it makes me feel marvelous.

I have lost three pounds since Disneyland! I haven't lost any weight in almost a year, not even one pound. So its exciting to see that losing weight is possible even when I am on evil weight gain medicine. This is encouraging.

xox

2009-06-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

Here is my most recent tattoo idea. Not sure if this is going to be the one or not but I love the idea of having a Gibson Girl on my arm. If we do any poker playing/winning in Vegas the proceeds are going to go to us getting more tattoos. Rather exciting if you ask me.

I just started my new medication last night. It takes a few days to start working so we'll see what happens. It has some scary side effects such as epidermis toxicity which means all your skin falls off, etc., etc. Today is a down day so far, I feel out of touch and sad. Oh well.

We got the paint for our living room and hallway. Two beautiful shades of blue/green. We can't wait to get painting this weekend. To finally get rid of the phantom frame silhouettes on the walls.

Wish that my skin stays on today. Yes, I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

Bedroom Bliss

2009-06-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

We finished painting and decorating our bedroom over the weekend and I absolutely adore it. Its so nice to have things hanging on the walls again and I love that most of the decorations are handmade by me or from my thrifting adventures.

Today is my fateful meeting with my doctor to talk about switching medication and I'm quite nervous. As you can imagine this nervousness creates a bad gloomy day. At least afterward Ron and I are going to Home Depot to get some paint for the living room which I'm extremely excited about.

xox

New Life Plan

2009-06-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I'm a big planner. My journal is full of plans for Ron and I and I love all of them. On the way home from Disneyland I made a new plan for myself. This is mainly a plan for when I'm depressed, but can be used when I am happy too. Here it is:

Take a walk every morning
Journal five times a week
Write 1500 words once a week
Cook most nights
Craft twice a week
Make a house cleaning schedule

Today is my first day on the plan and I've already hit a road block as I have a tummy ache and can't take a walk this morning. I will walk tonight instead though, and everything else should go as planned.

Other sundries:

Amelia has lined up four bones on the couch and she is taking turns chewing on each between naps.

Tomorrow I find out if the doctor is going to change my medicine (scared).

Our bedroom is all painted and decorated and looks very cute and comfy.

Disneyland Fun

2009-05-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

C is for Catherine

R is for Ronald

Me and Mr. Indian are tight.

Meet Mathilda the fuzzy new addition to our family.

My narrow loss to Ron on the Buzz Lightyear ride--68700 to 75000.

Getting ready to bring the pain!

Ron is always ready.

My two Knights.

What we did a lot of--waiting in line.

We love this ride.

We took the Ferry.

"I'm on a boat motherfucker don't you ever forget it!"

Beer tasting at California Adventure. Awesome to have booze at Disneyland!

Ron nerding out playing the Star Wars game at the arcade.

I wish I took more pictures, but we were just having too much fun that I forgot to take out the camera...sigh. Now back to real life. Today to going grocery shopping and going to see Up at the movie theater.

Things I made

2009-05-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Here is my latest doll. The first blond and the first made almost entirely on the sewing machine. Her legs were the hardest to stuff as they are so tiny, but I was able to make her in one evening (instead of one day when I hand sew) which was nice.

I love her gingham and purple lace scarf.

Here is a little collage I made as well. It was really fun and easy to make and I framed it in a dark walnut frame which I think makes it look rather chic. All of these goodies were sent to Rachelle for her to enjoy.

I just woke from a nap at the hotel. I think we are just going to relax tonight as my feet are so sore they are not wanting to walk around much. We might go to Downtown Disney to have dinner at the ESPN Zone and watch the Lakers vs Nuggets game which I am rather excited about (go Lakers!).

We are leaving tomorrow. Its kind of sad to leave this happy place, but I am excited to get home to the dogs. I am going to make a new life plan on the way home so I can hopefully get back on track and further away from this soul rotting depression.

We are also bringing a new addition home with us, a little lamb we made at the Build A Bear Factory. Her name is Mathilda and she is wearing nothing but a pair of hello kitty slippers. Now the challenge will be keeping her from the dogs as they would love to adopt her as there new toy....

xox

2009-05-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

As you know, we are at Disneyland. Our road trip went pretty well with a few bumps. I drove some, which I was so scared to do because I'm not very brave in the realm of driving. I found myself going 90 on the 5 and that was fun and freeing.

Speaking of driving too fast--we got a ticket! Confession: we were going 82 in a 55 zone (we thought it was 65) oops!

We arrived to an upgraded room because it is Ron's birthday and are having a great time. Yesterday we went to Disneyland (of course) and then to California Adventure. My favorite thing was riding the Hollywood Tower of Terror. I couldn't sleep last night so we are up early and ready to start our first full day of fun! Hope you are having a fun day too!

Beard(y)

2009-05-22T16:27:00.000-07:00

Isabelle is quite beardy these days. She looks like an adorable old man and is so snuggely with her longish hair.
Tomorrow we are taking her to the groomer to get a new Summer hair-do since all this fur is much too hot for her.

Lately she has been extremely in love with her hedgehog stuffed toy which is a little too big for her to control. She loves to hold it in her mouth and do a little paw dance and then fall asleep on it like a pillow.

In other news, I'm not feeling so good today. Just down with no energy. Can't wait to get to Disneyland and take a little rest from everything that is going on. Sunday come quickly!

"I'm awake in my room"

2009-05-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of me around the same time last year at Disneyland. My hair is a lot shorter then, I was thinner, but in many ways things are the same. The biggest similarity is that I'm still struggling with my illness. Still searching for balance in a body that has gone chemically haywire.

In happier news. Today is my darlings birthday. I'm so happy he exists and was born. He is such a wonderful person. Such a joy to know. To have, to hold. He has grown so much from the boy I knew at twenty three and I am so proud of him. And he's still in love with ice cream cake (which I think is quite cute).

Now to cleaning the house up and getting ready to have lunch with my Melanie.

grey

2009-05-20T09:04:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamed I was writing, last night I dreamed a lot of things and when I woke I realized they weren't true. Today I wish I was hiding under a big flower all safe and secure and shaded from the sun.

Ron is staying home with me once again to take care of/keep an eye on me. These times are the worst/best. On the one hand I am so happy to spend time with him, on the other hand I know I am in one of my worst and darkest caves. I hate it when its doctors orders to have someone keep an eye on you, then you know you are doing really bad. Then you see the darkness crevice through your eyes like a burrowing drill.

The doctor also mentioned that he is going to change my medicine in two weeks. Back to side effects and the trial and error hypothesis of making me better, somehow I don't believe it.

I'm hoping Disneyland will be a quiet reprieve from this harsh reality. A little clean escape. Only four more days to go until we enter a fanciful dreamland of wishing wells. Wish me well.

Doll part three

2009-05-18T09:30:00.001-07:00

Here is my third doll and I think she came out rather well. I used some of my leftover quilt fabric and her dress is made out of part of a cute floral handkerchief. I even gave her a little scarf with some ric rac I got from Rachelle.

Here is the group.

Cute sleepy face. Once again made with markers.

Bunches of legs.

This week is my boyfriend's birthday week so we are going to do a lot of fun things like getting an ice cream cake from Coldstone, going to see the new Terminator movie coming out on his birthday, and of course going to Disneyland in t-minus six days!

I'm doing ok overall. Melancholy and down a lot of the time but I'm hanging in. Still trying to get my life back on track from my bad cold a few weeks back. I'm finally feeling almost totally better. So to making dinner tonight (I haven't cooked in weeks) and to barreling through these paltry emotions.

a dream is a wish your heart makes

2009-05-15T16:53:00.001-07:00

A bad day. Luckily our vacation countdown has begun.

happy-sad

2009-05-14T08:15:00.000-07:00

Ron is teaching, the dogs are sleeping and I'm here in my pjs quietly contemplating life. I have some very serious lingering questions, to note a few:

Why am I here?
Why am I sick?
Why are there so many people hurting in the world?
Why do you seem so far away?
Why is it so hard to get through the day?

I prod, ponder and pummel, with few answers as of yet. First, I am here for Ronald. Second, I don't know why I'm sick. Third, because of the fall of man. Fourth because he is God and damn mysterious. Fifth, because I'm sick. Those are all the answers I have and I keep holding on.

I am happy about the following things:

His soft skin
Silly puppies
Good friends
Fabric and dolls and creativity
Gorgeous flowers inside and outside the house
The thought that maybe God is out there somewhere
Disneyland
Fresh strawberries in the new fridge

Another doll

2009-05-13T09:12:00.001-07:00

Here is my second doll. Her shiny silver dress makes her look ready to go into outer space. Sadly, I don't think she can make the next NASA mission. She is quite (quite) wonky as I made the following mistakes:

a. sewed her arms on upside down (woops!)
b. used blue thread on her soft pink skin that is too contrasting and shows up every uneven
stitch.
c. the pink fabric was too fragile and tore a bunch in her arms and legs.

I do like her hair and face though.

I'm feeling ok these days. A little less depressed now that I can get up and get around since I'm not sick anymore. I have to admit, the idea of our Disneyland trip is really keeping me going, which is a good thing (thank you Martha Stewart). I also have some wonderful friends who spend lots of time with me and even send me care packages! I got the most adorable box of goodies from Rachelle including a bag that is so chic and just my style. I am rather, very, very spoiled and lucky.

George Bush State

2009-05-12T20:56:00.000-07:00

We just got back from Yosemite this afternoon. We were there because Ron had to teach a class so we got to stay one night. Luckily we got there a little early yesterday so we were able to walk near one of the waterfalls. This is a picture from near the waterfall, we both got so wet and the wind and water were so strong it took our breath away, seriously we couldn't breath when we faced the waterfall, it was amazing!
Half dome is so cute.

I loved this sign!

Me getting squished.

A stone wall.
It was a beautiful day.

Ron reading the interesting factoids.

The same waterfall we saw close up from far away.

Blossoming Dogwood trees.

While we were driving Ron and I had lots of time to talk. We made up some inside jokes and talked about God and life a lot. Seeing the violence and beauty of nature really affected both of us (in a good way). We talked a lot about how we respond to God and who we think he is. Being in Yosemite made us both feel so small and minuscule, then again, if God can create such a beautiful place in nature, what can he do with us? In many ways, I'm encouraged.

New shoes and a weird day

2009-05-08T14:11:00.001-07:00

I just ordered some Toms from Amazon. They will be so comfy for Disneyland. Toms is a cool company as when you buy a pair of shoes they give a pair to a child in need. I love the understated pink and how they look like slippers.

Its a weird day. I'm not feeling sick necessarily just rundown and exhausted. I've already taken a nap but that didn't seem to help. Oh I am so spoiled with my naps, so lucky to not have to work, So unlucky in my hard time. I think I will work on making another doll today, they will be quite a cute pair.

xoxo

Gidget

2009-05-07T08:06:00.001-07:00

Here is my black apple doll. She was really fun and easy to make as the instructions were so simple and clear.

I used vintage fabric from Shannon and for the face I just used fine point markers after testing them on another piece of fabric. I'm already excited to make another one!

Now she is resting on the mantle next to Mother Mary (she is feeling quite holy by association) silly girl...

The coffee table is full of pills. All my antidepressants mingled with sudafed and ibuprofen for my earache. Oh how I hate taking so many pills, and oh how I need them.

Next week we are going to Yosemite overnight for Ron to teach a class. I can't wait to go and take pictures and act like a settler.

Wish me luck today as I have a lot to do...xox

On a roll

2009-05-06T10:31:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a quick break from cleaning as the Orkin man is here giving our house a termite inspection. Its a little embarrassing watching him walk through our backyard amongst weeds as tall as me, but Ron continually reminds me its just a termite inspector...he says "imagine John Goodman in Arachnophobia."

In other news I am doing some blog purging today. I deleted about ten to fifteen blogs I usually read every day that I'm not absolutely in love with. It was hard, but less time on the computer reading about other peoples lives instead of living my own is a good thing I think.

Next to cleaning the disaster of a bedroom and rounding up the dust bunnies throughout the house.

Bootstraps

2009-05-06T08:10:00.000-07:00

I've stopped writing. I used to write fifteen hundred words a day. I'm too busy and too down to write these days. I haven't written at all this year and that is horribly disappointing. I need to start again but I'm scared; scared of realizing I've finally lost my tiny little shred of talent, scared of failing.

Therapy was hard yesterday. I kicked off my shoes, snuggled up on the couch and cried and complained. I cried in the car on the way home. Once home I slept for hours. Last evening we went for a walk and that helped, being out and seeing there is still a world humming along with or without me.

Today is cleaning day. Wish me luck.

Goodie

2009-05-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

We're going to one of our favorite places, Disneyland! We will be there for five days and staying at the Disneyland Hotel. I'm so excited I keep doing little boogie dances. We are using some of our home project money to go, but we think its worth it. We really need some time away to get rejuvenated and excited about life again.

Other things:

We finally bought a new fridge that should be arriving Saturday! Thank the Lord for tax refund checks!
I'm still sick.
The house is a wreck.

Other other things:

I'm slowly falling into a depression. I think it has something to do with my being sick as I'm not able to get up and get moving which usually helps day to day. I think it also has to do with my lack of a purpose, and my questioning of my creativity. I'm hanging on though, trying to cling to the outside world as I get dragged back into my cave of despair. There isn't much I can do other than make healthy choices and get prepared for what's coming. I've been through it before though, so I can do it again. Its hard always having to be aware of the doom that comes and goes on its own schedule. These days I need more than luck, these days I need to be rescued.

cop glasses

2009-05-02T13:22:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend is working today and I miss him. Once he comes home we are going to help host a charity poker event at Ron's parents house so we will be busy. I'm still feeling sick so I have been on the couch all day in my favorite pajama pants and brown fuzzy sweater watching mystery/murder shows on MSNBC (exciting I know).

Yesterday I hung out with Shannon and started making a black apple doll. We were both feeling very lazy after searching for the Yoga Journal magazine all over town, so making a doll was the perfect way to pass the time as Kevin and Ron played online poker on the patio. I will post pictures of my doll when I'm finished. Oh I love crafting.

The sudafed eating dog monster

2009-05-01T10:15:00.001-07:00

This is the sly look you get from Amelia after she eats a box of Sudafed. We ran around the house counting pills; we found six, so she must have eaten three. This morning she is feeling quite hyper and decongested. I could hardly sleep last night worrying we would wake up to a dead dog. She is such a monster and her new home is the garage anytime we go anywhere, no matter what. This is hard as they hate the garage more than anything and I am such a pushover.

I'm very slowly getting better (very slowly). Yesterday I confessed to Shannon how much laundry I have to do and she dared me to do two loads today so I have to keep my word. I need to change the bedsheets, clean the swinging trapeze mess of a kitchen and pick up all the bits of tissue Amelia has spread out on the floor.

Its raining out and its beautiful. Our backyard full of weeds as tall as me will grow even higher. Our little experiment.

My next craft project is to make another doll, this one with a red velvet dress and felt hair. Shannon's gorgeous faceless doll has inspired me.

Cotton

2009-04-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm slowly starting to feel better. Today I was able to clean the kitchen and go to the store by myself. A big deal when for the past nine days I've hardly been able to stand up. Now I can emerge out of my dazed dreamland and slowly tread back into real life.

Life is kind of scary these days. I'm mildly depressed and don't really know what my purpose is. Its hard to get through the days when you can't quite pinpoint why you are here. But I hope there is a reason and that keeps me going. There is so much I want to do in life that I have to keep fielding through the drudgery of the day to day. Depression has a loud voice at times. But I will try to keep my own voice a little louder. A voice of hope and reason.

the green in between

2009-04-29T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm still sick. I had a telephone appointment with my doctor and she told me to just keep taking decongestants and I should be better in two weeks. Two more weeks?!? Oh my word.

I'm slowly going to start getting up and moving about between resting. This afternoon I will tidy the house a bit. Tomorrow perhaps go out to the grocery store to buy some fresh fruit, vegetables and flowers. I think I have to work myself up to getting better. I can't really be on the couch for two more weeks, I have to get moving or my mild case of depression is going to get worse.

Therapy was rather interesting yesterday. It seems that my defenses were down because I wasn't feeling well, so a lot came out which pleased my doctor a great deal and left me feeling rather confused and full. Next appointment will be a tough one as he warned me he is going to do some serious probing. Oh well, this is how we make progress.

I can't wait to get back to crafting, making dolls, painting, paper crafts, oh how I miss you. And taking pictures! I miss my little camera tremendously, or rather, the energy to use it.

More things

2009-04-28T09:20:00.001-07:00

This book is by the author who wrote The Historian, an amazing suspense novel about Dracula. I'm so excited about her new book that is coming out this Autumn!
This photo carousel is just awesome. I would love to set it up on my coffee table with pictures and mementos of our life.
I love this chair and think it will look so good and add some color to our living room.

Points:

Sick day number eight.
I have to go to therapy this morning which I'm not looking forward to.
Both the dogs are pretending they are sick so they can get extra attention.
I have absolutely nothing to talk about so I've been whining quite a bit to Ronald.
I baked chocolate chip cookies last night.
I feel like I'm going to cough up my lungs.

Sick bed

2009-04-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm still sick and have been spending a lot of time on the internet. Here are a few things I want. The cutest vintage style Dr. Scholls sandals. So perfect with rolled up jeans.

This poster for over our couch.

And the second season of 30 Rock so I can have something to laugh about.

Points:

I haven't had a full nights sleep in 7 days
I'm suspecting our dogs are actually spawns of the devil
I have some gorgeous purple flowers on the coffee table to cheer me up
I have a new love for strawberries
I'm so bored
Drinking Coke is the best way to relieve a sore throat
Alamo Palace has the best Chinese food

My Mister

2009-04-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

My boss is so sweet.

He is so handsome.
He is so silly.

And he loves whiskey.

Points:

I'm still really sick
Its pretty out
I wish I could go out and enjoy the day
I'm excited for the weekend
I want pizza for dinner

Mess

2009-04-23T09:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I had the energy to get off the couch and walk the fifteen feet to grab my camera and take a picture of the mess of pill packaging, tissues and dishes on the coffee table then upload the picture to the computer and post it on here, but right now that seems much too complicated and difficult as I am still sick and to make it all worse--I am sicker than I was yesterday.

I had a horrible night of coughing and that wacky nasty feeling of not wanting to swallow because when you do your ears feel like they are going to explode with pressure and your throat hurts. I did have the energy to look through a magazine, a real feat since all I have been able to do is sleep and watch television which is sucking my mind dry.

I sit here imagining going grocery shopping; buying fresh flowers, candles, fresh bread, fruit and vegetables. I am so hungry for my cooking, not that I'm a great cook just that homemade food tastes delicious. I sit here imagining cleaning the house, opening the curtains, dusting, clearing the amassing clutter, febreezing everything so the house doesn't smell like a dog.

Speaking of dog. These dogs are crazy. They have been asleep for about three hours now so its guaranteed that they will be up for the rest of the day getting into trouble and not realizing that their mother is feeling horrible. Not to mention that we are puppy sitting Winnifred until Monday who is their favorite playmate/troublemaker friend. I do feel bad though, as the vet sent a happy birthday email to Isabelle today and I forgot it was her birthday. Yes, they are our babies and spoiled rotten. We will get her a present this weekend and oh how I live vicariously through them.

Now to toddling to the kitchen to get some apple juice and throw away some of my Mount Diablo sculpture, also known as my pile of tissues.

Memory lane

2009-04-22T10:04:00.001-07:00

One of our best memories was going to Disneyland last year. I was in such a deep depression I was bedridden. I didn't know if I could go, but with some coaxing from Ron we went. I had to take it slow but we had such a great time. One of our best trips ever. As you know, Disneyland is a place you can go to and forget all your cares and that's what we did for five days.

The best part of the trip was watching the Electrical Light Parade at California Adventure. Ron had seen this parade as a kid and loved it, I had never seen it. We got coffees and bundled together to watch the parade which was so fun and brilliant. We laughed and Ooh-d and aahh-d for a long time. We had the best seats on a bench right in front.

Right now I wish we were back in Disneyland. I'm tired of having this nagging cold and this nagging hard time. I'm in a gentle unmotivated depression at the moment and its no fun. I wish I was in a manic period just so I could do Spring cleaning, think straight and have some energy. But manic also brings irritability and no sleep so I guess I should be glad my mood swings are more slow and steady.

I just hate having colds on top of my hard time, it makes me get so melancholy and hopeless. But today I will dream of Disneyland and remember all the fun we have had and will have when things are a little bit better. One thing I do have to say is that I am the luckiest girl to have someone as wonderful as Ronald to stand by me through this time. Wish me better.

Lists

2009-04-21T17:26:00.000-07:00

Bad things:

Its hot (91 degrees)

I'm sick

We only have one little air conditioner unit in the dining room

Amelia's new hobby is eating paper including pay checks

Good things:

The puppies are snuggling me to help me feel better

I have my new laptop!

Ron is making me a yummy smoothie

Its the Playoffs so lots of basketball to watch

I've taken two and a half naps today

Bag girl

2009-04-16T10:52:00.000-07:00

I made my first bag this morning. Its a little wonky as one: I hate ironing and two: the plaid isn't sewn together perfectly straight and three: I once again didn't use a pattern. But I think its cute and pretty good given how quickly I made it.

I put a fuzzy pink liner on the inside and the pictures don't give the cute fabric justice as it actually is a very bright red. I used shiny brown ribbon for the handle. I'm excited to make more with little patches and embellishments. Its kind of a weird size, I think I will make my next one just a bit bigger.

In other news:

Ron is staying home with me for the rest of the week as I'm having a bad one.
I keep having nightmares about spiders and being kidnapped.
Wonderful P & L bought me a new laptop that should be ready on Monday.
I love my art room.

Puppy dog tails

2009-04-15T20:37:00.001-07:00

The past two nights I've been making toys for the dogs (yes, they are extremely spoiled). Last night I made the toys above, simple rectangles made out of this cool funky kitchen towel, with little gingham and heart patches. Even though they don't squeek the girls love them and have been playing with them non-stop since I made them. Weird that they finally like to play with something other than our shoes!

Here is Amelia playing with her new toy.

these are what I made tonight. Little quilted tubes, or as Ron likes to call them "sausages". They haven't bonded with these as much as the previous two, I thought they would have more fun with this shape, but they are both quite unpredictable and silly. I like making toys for them because I can practice using my sewing machine without having to worry about being perfect.

Hope you have a good night snuggling someone you love (even if its a puppy).

"There's a light up ahead"

2009-04-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

I don't have therapy today, it has been months since I've had a Tuesday to myself. It feels strange. I'm 95% sure about my decision. My heart skips a beat in a bad way when I think about the repercussions of it. Sometimes though, the right thing is the hard thing and I think this is one of those times. Still I can't help but experience a strange sort of relief when I think about it, still I am calm and peaceful.

I'm growing up; a bit more honest, a bit more true to myself. I can see my progress. The way out of the cave. And am still prodding slowly through the thick muddy road to freedom.

Easter in the backyard

2009-04-13T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hope you had a great Easter! Ron and I started our day taking the girls for a walk. Isabelle ran away as I lost hold of her leash (thankfully we caught her), the girls pulled and got into even more trouble, but then met two dogs so were happy and sleepy on the way home.

Then we got ready and Ron played a little Rock Band. We went out to Hacienda Crossings to try to buy this rug we have been looking at, but the store was closed (we were surprised at how many stores were closed for the day). Then we had a salad lunch and played a little more Rock Band before going to Paul and Laura's house to have Easter dinner.

We met up in their backyard with Rob and Wanda, Melanie, Paul, Laura and Winnifred. We brought the girls and they had a lot of fun eating oranges and lots of ham. I had fun getting rather tipsy and then taking pictures.

Birch tree.

Amelia smelling a foot toy.

Isabelle being quite introspective about the holiday.

A flower.

My favorite pink pom pom tree.

And little miss big Winnie. We had a lot of fun with friends and delicious food. How was your Easter?

I have a big decision that is almost made but will be made officially in about eight days. I can't help but have the line from the Pedro the Lion song in my head "One thing on his mind, to get behind her desk and make some big decision." Its scary, monstrous, and yet sort of peaceful in Catherine-ville these days. Will let you know what happens.

Blurb

2009-04-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Its the start of another day of working on the house. Today we are going to continue our never ending painting of the bedroom. Luckily we are very close to finished. We just have to do touch ups, and put in new molding. But today I'm tired and not in the mood. I'd rather put on a sundress and go out somewhere relaxing and romantic. Wish me luck in getting through the day.

What are you doing this weekend?

xox

nature girl

2009-04-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I took a walk in the rain on the Iron Horse Trail that is just a few steps away from our house.
The trail was rain slicked and as EE Cummings would say, "mudluscious". It was so quiet because the rain kept everyone indoors. I love walking in the rain, the cold drops on my face and hands, the wind wipping my hair back, the spicy mysterious smell of the wet grass and weeds.

The grey/green eucalyptus against the white sky.

Happy little weeds.

Our state flower all closed up and hidden from the thick pregnant drops of water.

I love wisteria and all these flowering trees in the neighbors yard, they smell so sweet.

My poor poppy turned umbrella. How beautiful and melancholy.

nicknames

2009-04-09T10:00:00.001-07:00

Proper name: Eleanor
Nickname: Mutti

Proper name: Amelia
Nickname: Melia

Proper name: Oliver
Nickname: Boocheesey

Proper name: Isabelle
Nickname: Shmoehawk

Don't ask me how we came up with most of these nicknames. We haven't had Amelia long enough to come up with a very strange one (although Ronald likes to call her Turkey). Isabelle's nickname is from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Eleanor's translates to "Mom" in German. I have no idea how we came up with the nickname for Oliver, but we do like to pretend he is a famous author and that is his pen name. He has a very tragic autobiography out at the moment about his search for a never ending food and cat nip dispenser.

Zen

2009-04-08T16:16:00.001-07:00

Today I'm trying to find my peaceful place. I light candles, stare at the jar of daffodils, put on comfortable pajamas, make tea, talk to Ronald, eat dark chocolate dots (my little addiction), journal, plan to do yoga tonight.

It seems like right when I figure it out, something happens to trounce me again. But today I'm going to be peaceful about it. Peaceful and calm in a noteworthy sort of way.