shit

I'm trying to find little pretty things in the house to take pictures of since I've been such a sick little home girl these days. And no, that is not in a ghetto way. This has been a miserable week so far.

My doctor has been lowering my dose on Cymbalta the last two weeks. This is a good thing except for the dizziness and nausea that getting off of it causes. I feel pretty shitty in general. I'm having more bad days than good days. I just sleep all the time because there seems to be no point in doing anything and I have no energy to get up and get going.

I can't describe how exhausted I am. Its like when you have the flu and are so damn tired, but that tiredness never goes away no matter how much sleep you get. I'm feeling rather pointless and have no idea why this has to happen to me.

This is a bit of a whiny post but sometimes I just have to vent about how terrible this illness is.

Bad things:

depression
bipolar
messy house
too much sleep
hopelesness

Good things:

Ronald
Netflix
Dr. K
Dr. Muzzafar
New sewing machine arriving tomorrow

Spinning

This is a picture of the lanterns above the teacups at Disneyland. I love to look at them as we spin and see all the weird colors and shapes. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm spinning now, and we aren't at Disneyland.

For one thing my medication is making me dizzy, this is the weirdest feeling and I end up staying on the couch even more because I don't want to fall over. Life seems to be spinning around me as I am stationary, but at the same time, I feel like I'm spinning in circles and leaving life in the dust. This is Bipolar disorder as you and I well know. The ups and the downs. Sadly, I have Bipolar II which means I don't get the ecstatic highs, but instead get the melancholy highs of racing thoughts and anxiety. I will have two "high" days followed by three or four down days. This illness is horrible in its ability to strike me down flat on my face right when I think I am making progress.

Off to therapy now. Wish me luck as I have to explain this as well as several other things in fifty minutes. Sometimes I feel so rushed...

"Its just that at night I've got nowhere to hide"

I'm up early because I'm not feeling well. Its frustrating. I am frustrated about a lot of things these days. Here are a few:

Kaiser doesn't want to cover my medication
New side effects
Old side effects
I'm sick today
Crafting is on hold
We don't have a/c and its hotter than Hades
My thumb goes numb inexplicably

In other news. I am loving reading these days. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez is such a delicious book. Plus I'm quite into poetry right now. Especially the poems of Anna Akhmatova, W.H. Auden, and the lustful mystical poems of Allen Ginsberg.

Today to going to the market and then to resting in order to quench this blank sickness.

Not in the mood

to post much today. I had one of the worst tension headaches of my life last night. It was horrible. Seven ibuprofen, an ice pack, a head massager, a nights sleep and one heat pad later the tension has moved from my head to my neck and shoulders. Woop-dee-doo.

Wish me better please.

Tonight to go see Brand New in the city and tomorrow to Hanford (we have to leave at four in the morning!).

Oh, air conditioning how I miss you. Its a hot Summer and you aren't here, except for a very tiny unit in the dining room that hardly cools us down. I wish you were close and throughout the house and that I could feel your cool air upon me.

Its a down, blue, hot morning. Down because I'm blue, blue because I'm hot, and so on and so forth. All of it muddles up like a giant ball of yarn and rolls over me *ouch*. I get stuck to it and roll along, half-hurting for the day. It all sounds very whimsical and dreamy but its not.

Good things:

Our talk last night
Isabelle didn't die from choking
The new healthy eating plan
Coffee with Melanie

Bad things:

Heat
Blurred vision
Nausea
Working on the weekend

Wants and gots

Here is a vintage poster I want. I love the colors and her expression. It is only $19.99 for a print, such a good deal and I think it would look fabulous in our dining room (once we paint it powder blue).

I need a new sewing machine as mine is so old and dilapidated. I haven't done any sewing for about a month. No doll making, no quilts, and I miss it. This is the new sewing machine I want but it is rather expensive so I need to be patient

Ron just bought me this glorious perfume. It is usually $75 but he got it for a steal ($37) on Amazon! I have had a bottle of this before and it is my absolute favorite besides Channel No. 5. I am so happy to wear it today. So spoiled to have such a sweet boyfriend.

"I am the grass, let me work."

Once again, its therapy day. I've already taken a nap as my medication causes me to have extremely vivid dreams at night that keep me from resting. Last nights dreams were that our neighbors were peeking into our house, a murder mystery at a beauty contest, and one about Shirley Temple. I feel like I've only had two hours of sleep, which is rotten.

I have a lot to talk about in therapy today. I really need to figure out these medication side effects and see if there is anything we can do to assuage them, I hope there is. Then to get out some of this rotting that is occurring right in my center.

In other news, I am going to do a little clothes shopping tomorrow which I am rather excited about. Hopefully I can find some skirts and cute blouses. We shall see...