panther

"it's hard to see the way out when you live in a house, in a house. But you don't realize that the windows were open the whole time." -DCFC

I'm stuck in the middle and smashed to the side. I'm having a falling out with my parents and it's horrible. I wait for notes and feel like I'm screaming at them but they still can't hear me. It has become such a bogged down emotional mess with six page emails from my brother expressing how I have ruined our entire family by bringing up the past and asking for a change in the future. Of course this is sinful when you exist in a happy snow-globe world where nothing has changed--ever. Of course this is sinful when you have never worked out a problem with your spouse, why would you ever do it for your daughter?

Now I have been asked to call my mom. Most likely because the emotional mess can't come through in my letters. Most likely because she wants to tell me how much everyone is hurting because of me and how I am ruining everything in this easy carefree world of "happy pills". Yes I'm bitter. Yes I am.

All I want is a healthy relationship with them. All I have said is these things need to change, please understand and let's move forward to a better relationship. Little did I know how much those words would cause chaos. I am in the midst of a grumbling city, the creator of the earthquake, the fucking fault line. The perfect pretend city is crumbling and they don't know what to do. I want to watch them squirm, see their terrified faces and make things all better. I want to know that my parents want to have a relationship with me even when it isn't easy--and I'm still waiting.