bridge

Things start out slow. I went out this morning looking for pine cones only to find they had all been run over by cars in the parking lot. I'm still wondering what to do with my parents and feel crushed and swallowed like a little pill.

In other news I've started making a new thing, jars with pictures and goodies inside. I made my first one today and titled it "north, south, east, west" and I don't know. I sort of like it. I have to get paint and more jars and pictures and try again. I want it to look terribly exciting and interesting like a little portal into a scene of life. Oh well and we'll see and oh my.

I tried to get through the morning and got through the morning. I am still on the hunt for white pumpkins to put around the apartment. I am so excited about fall. Tomorrow night we are going to a show at The Shoreline so I have to wear a coat. After so much dry heaved heat it's hard to imagine wearing a coat.

Isabelle is pouting because we had to put her bark collar on after she went into a tizzy over someone walking past our apartment. She lays on the couch next to me and tries to go to sleep even though she isn't tired, facing away from me and kicking me with her back paws. Such a cute messy emotional little thing.

panther

"it's hard to see the way out when you live in a house, in a house. But you don't realize that the windows were open the whole time." -DCFC

I'm stuck in the middle and smashed to the side. I'm having a falling out with my parents and it's horrible. I wait for notes and feel like I'm screaming at them but they still can't hear me. It has become such a bogged down emotional mess with six page emails from my brother expressing how I have ruined our entire family by bringing up the past and asking for a change in the future. Of course this is sinful when you exist in a happy snow-globe world where nothing has changed--ever. Of course this is sinful when you have never worked out a problem with your spouse, why would you ever do it for your daughter?

Now I have been asked to call my mom. Most likely because the emotional mess can't come through in my letters. Most likely because she wants to tell me how much everyone is hurting because of me and how I am ruining everything in this easy carefree world of "happy pills". Yes I'm bitter. Yes I am.

All I want is a healthy relationship with them. All I have said is these things need to change, please understand and let's move forward to a better relationship. Little did I know how much those words would cause chaos. I am in the midst of a grumbling city, the creator of the earthquake, the fucking fault line. The perfect pretend city is crumbling and they don't know what to do. I want to watch them squirm, see their terrified faces and make things all better. I want to know that my parents want to have a relationship with me even when it isn't easy--and I'm still waiting.

Handy

Isabelle is barking at the maintenance man who is working on our fridge. He keeps finding jingly cat toys so she keeps going in there to steal a few, get's rather excited/scared and comes running back to me. She looks like a cute rotten spoiled poodle now with her new haircut.

It's been a long time. Feels like I'm starting over with you darling. I'm feeling okay, other than horrible jump-out-of-my-skin antsy from my medicine. But it works in a few important respects in a so-so humdrum powerful parcel sort of way most of the time.

I have been rawther artistic lately which has been fun. I also want to start doing yoga and meditating from time to time. This will be my check in journal to keep track of how I'm doing and how I feel each day. So to do it. And to amen.

splayed

It's the start of a moderately busy day. I have the opening song to Rosemary's Baby in my head and just thinking about it scares me. I think that is actually the scariest part of the movie, other than how jealous I am of Mia Farrow's adorable hair and dresses.

I'm going to start using this blog as a check in on how I am doing at sticking with my goals each day. Some of them being doing yoga, art, writing, cooking, and the like. I'm thinking of taking up sketching again, mostly in pen and ink. I need to start journaling more and going out to parks to sketch and get the creativity flowing again.

We are planning on getting tattoos this month. Just need to find the ideas. I'm getting a sleeve of Valentine hearts, flowers and such. I think it will be gorgeous, and elegant.

Got to go get ready, things to do.

Look kids it's a bankroll!

Last night we had dinner with Ron's parents. After a brief discussion on how we lost our measly bankroll in one night at Bay 101, we discovered that they have been holding a $5,000 bonus for us for perhaps over a year, waiting to give it to us. They said they would ask us how we were doing with money, and of course we say fine because we are doing fine (doesn't mean we don't want or need more), but since we said we were doing fine they just kept holding it in their sneaky little way. Now that we know this, whenever they ask about money again we are going to say "we are horribly poor".

Anyway, this means we have a $5,000 bankroll which is not bad at all. Now we are planning our run to $10,000...
I'm a bit gun shy after our big losing session on Sunday, but at the same time I keep telling Ron "give me some money and I will sit down and eat their souls!" Oh, I am quite competitive when I want to be. Also, our tax rebate check of $1200 will be here soon and be used for some needlework...

In other news, Isabelle is starting to look like a woolly mammoth and the art room will be put together tomorrow. Then next week, my new writer-artist schedule will begin. And a doctors appointment because I am starting to suspect I have asthma.

birthday

It's my darlings birthday. Tonight we are going out to PF Chang's for sake and dinner, then to cold stone and the midnight showing of Indiana Jones. I bought him a few things and of course I doubt and suffer in the thought that he won't like them, but we will see tonight...He is wonderful and I hope I can let him know how special he is.

This weekend the party sort of continues. We are going to get an ice cream cake, and also go play poker at Bay 101 on Sunday. We are excited to dabble in live poker again. A win would be the best present. A lose, will be a downtrodden trip to denny's then home for some whiskey and sleep. 

Last weekend we cleaned out our second bedroom turned garage. It was horrible and good and overwhelming. Now it is becoming my art room and all that is left is organizing all my art stuff the way I want, and decorating. I'm excited. I'm also getting a laptop to keep in there for writing, I can't wait to get started on a schedule of doing the things I love. It's a battle for me, but to do it, really do it. To devote, and write and create--images, feelings, pangs. This is what I want to do. Now to fight my damn self effacing and get, get to it.

In June we are going to Vegas for Ron to go to a conference. I will have several days alone, staying at the Rio while the WSOP is in progress. I'm so excited to be able to watch some of the events and troll the hotel for our favorite players. But I will miss Ron and hate to fill him in on the exciting details of my day when he spent his in a classroom listening to a nasally voiced instructor.

"all that I need to get me through this is a long vacation"

We went to Disneyland. We went because we were both horribly close to losing our minds from the stress of the situation. So we road tripped down and stayed at a next door motel and became kids again as we walked to the park. Ron getting too dizzy on the teacups, me being attacked by a giant moth on the Matterhorn. We remembered how to laugh, how to smile. We skipped, galloped, ate cotton candy and churros. We both forgot for a while, the creeping-curdled mess within me that comes out most at home. All that mattered was what ride to go on next, what sweet treat we wanted, how we were going to pose for pictures. On the way home we refocused, planned-prodded. And now here we are still determined and mostly rested. What a wonderful wish, dream come true. 

We are working on organizing the apartment and also confronting my parents. Last night we organized our patio storage unit and then to the office where we are going to set up a big writing space for me and perhaps soon buy me a laptop just for writing. I'm so excited, inspired, determined to get through it all and to the things I want. Writing, floristry, being a strong loving creative soul. 

Isabelle is sleeping on Ron's pillow with pouty lips, not wanting to wake up. Last night we got her a bark collar, she barked once and then jumped back terrified, then slowly creeping forward, lightly, gently, imagining some mean spirited creature had just attacked her. Poor thing. And today she is getting a bath, extra poor thing. 

Now to the day-- and tonight bbq-ing, and watching the playoffs.