I feel the coolness of the day and remember my Autumns of inspiration where I would write and do art for hours. I miss those times. I miss being calm and stable.
I'm tired again this morning but am going to go out for a long walk with my ipod and then to tidying up the apartment, and getting ready for school. I hate school more than anything these days. It is my evil partner, my downswing.
I want to just stay home and do art, open the window in my art room and feel the cool breeze. It's a mess in there right now so I need to pick things up and think of something to make. I miss being creative so much. Maybe that is a good sign. I don't really know anymore.
I can't believe the economy these days. It's scary. Our 401k and business have been hemorrhaging money. It puts off our home buying ideas which weren't really moving too much anyway. I miss the idea of it though, the hope of it. Now I'm over it, we are doomed to our cute, gorgeous apartment all dolled up with no place to go.
Now to walking and going up up and away to a better mood, fingers crossed. I hope something magical can happen.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
mourning
Isabelle is lying next to me upset that I put her bark collar on, she is very serious this morning. Serious, and sleepy with her eyebrows constantly shifting in strange thoughts and proddings. Perhaps plotting my death, perhaps plotting breakfast.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought our pumpkins for Halloween, one white and one cinderella pumpkin. Which is a gorgeous pale orange with green sections and nice and squat and wide like someone sat and smooshed a regular pumpkin. They are sitting by the fire place and I love them. They make me feel warm and autumned.
Last night I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 8 this morning. I have been incredulously tired lately. It clamors up my spine and straight into my soul. Such a tired, depressed girl these days. I just feel awful, awful. Nothing feels good anymore, nothing is exciting.
But its Autumn and this gives me a shade, a tinge of happiness when I think of slow sweet holidays, bundling up near the fireplace, peppermint mochas, the leaves turning, the cold rush and chill.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought our pumpkins for Halloween, one white and one cinderella pumpkin. Which is a gorgeous pale orange with green sections and nice and squat and wide like someone sat and smooshed a regular pumpkin. They are sitting by the fire place and I love them. They make me feel warm and autumned.
Last night I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 8 this morning. I have been incredulously tired lately. It clamors up my spine and straight into my soul. Such a tired, depressed girl these days. I just feel awful, awful. Nothing feels good anymore, nothing is exciting.
But its Autumn and this gives me a shade, a tinge of happiness when I think of slow sweet holidays, bundling up near the fireplace, peppermint mochas, the leaves turning, the cold rush and chill.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Topple
I'm so down in the mornings. I miss my dear Cymbalta. You don't know how good something works until you don't have it anymore.
In other news this was a pretty good weekend. On Saturday I went and got my ears pierced again, I sat in the chair like a little girl and pop there it went and I exclaimed "it's not as bad as a tattoo!" silly me. Then we went to a new restaurant (Pho Asian Bistro) and to see Nick and Norah and the Infinite Playlist. It was pretty cute and the restaurant was great.
Sunday we went to the California Grand to play some poker. Ron had a horrible run which still makes me feel gross to think about, some bad beats and he was incredibly card dead. Me on the other hand...after the first two hours of being card dead I hit a sick rush. I was in for $400 and left with $1900. I made about $166 dollars an hour! Our table was filled with wonderful donkeys so I just stacked up their chips and called them my own. Would have much rather had Ron be the big winner because having that many chips terrifies me, but was glad to build our bankroll.
I have to go to school and stick it out (that's what she said) this week no matter what. I don't want to but will continually recite to myself "I don't give a shit if you don't give a fuck" and remind myself of the stacks of cash at home. Oh I will be such a gangsta. Then to grocery shopping which isn't a very gangsterish thing to do at all but my name will be swizznizzle regardless. Peace.
In other news this was a pretty good weekend. On Saturday I went and got my ears pierced again, I sat in the chair like a little girl and pop there it went and I exclaimed "it's not as bad as a tattoo!" silly me. Then we went to a new restaurant (Pho Asian Bistro) and to see Nick and Norah and the Infinite Playlist. It was pretty cute and the restaurant was great.
Sunday we went to the California Grand to play some poker. Ron had a horrible run which still makes me feel gross to think about, some bad beats and he was incredibly card dead. Me on the other hand...after the first two hours of being card dead I hit a sick rush. I was in for $400 and left with $1900. I made about $166 dollars an hour! Our table was filled with wonderful donkeys so I just stacked up their chips and called them my own. Would have much rather had Ron be the big winner because having that many chips terrifies me, but was glad to build our bankroll.
I have to go to school and stick it out (that's what she said) this week no matter what. I don't want to but will continually recite to myself "I don't give a shit if you don't give a fuck" and remind myself of the stacks of cash at home. Oh I will be such a gangsta. Then to grocery shopping which isn't a very gangsterish thing to do at all but my name will be swizznizzle regardless. Peace.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Blue Sunday
Depressed this morning, hopefully the pills will kick in soon to give me a manageable day. We are getting ready to play poker at some casino, I can't remember the name. It should be good. I think I'm going to wear my boots today and dress girly, the more girly the more I can make them believe I don't know what I'm doing. To bad I'm a tough cookie and not sweet and flirtatious, all these things rack up like dollar signs. So easy to take advantage of susceptibilities. I'm not so good at it though, to shy and somewhat genuine and open booked.
But this morning I'm tired and down, down, down in the black pit of raven wood horror. I'm stuck in the crevice. The monster smacks its lips at me, ready to tear me apart. And I'm trapped and oh so used up to fight it.
We took Isabelle for a walk this morning. the streets were lined with water from the melting frost and sprinklers so she left little wet paw prints everywhere she went like a secret code, a path to home. Now she is happy and running about the apartment like a robot.
But this morning I'm tired and down, down, down in the black pit of raven wood horror. I'm stuck in the crevice. The monster smacks its lips at me, ready to tear me apart. And I'm trapped and oh so used up to fight it.
We took Isabelle for a walk this morning. the streets were lined with water from the melting frost and sprinklers so she left little wet paw prints everywhere she went like a secret code, a path to home. Now she is happy and running about the apartment like a robot.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Something to say
I'm tired and here with red nail polish. Isabelle and Oliver are sleeping next to me all sweet and cuddly. My eyes want to close and I'm terribly yawny. But its another day and to getting through and having a moderate one unlike yesterday.
Last night I dreamt these aliens came that looked like humans but didn't know how to be human, they knew all our thoughts and would come and live with us like exchange students and we had to teach them how to bathe, how to eat, how to sleep, and if we thought something bad about them they would zap us to death. It sounds silly now, but it was so scary in my established dreamland world.
Last night we went to Wal-Mart in our pajamas and bought this craft I can make today. Little cute pom-pom animals, a skunk, a bunny, a squirrel and an owl. They are very sweet and it will be fun to make and act little.
Yesterday was a bad one, I was so down and creeping depressed. Still am now but trying to be more measured about it and to remind myself this is (hopefully) only temporary. There is just this emptiness right in the middle of me that I hate. This hopelessnes, this lack of passion, this lack of substance and the knowledge that it is taking over and this feeling that I'm losing myself. Depression isn't what I thought it was before I had it: just down in the dumps. Instead its like your constantly losing something, like a death in the family feeling with no one else knowing, but you know and know well and scream inside and no one hears. I'm losing something, I'm losing myself in the brick black cave of death.
Last night I dreamt these aliens came that looked like humans but didn't know how to be human, they knew all our thoughts and would come and live with us like exchange students and we had to teach them how to bathe, how to eat, how to sleep, and if we thought something bad about them they would zap us to death. It sounds silly now, but it was so scary in my established dreamland world.
Last night we went to Wal-Mart in our pajamas and bought this craft I can make today. Little cute pom-pom animals, a skunk, a bunny, a squirrel and an owl. They are very sweet and it will be fun to make and act little.
Yesterday was a bad one, I was so down and creeping depressed. Still am now but trying to be more measured about it and to remind myself this is (hopefully) only temporary. There is just this emptiness right in the middle of me that I hate. This hopelessnes, this lack of passion, this lack of substance and the knowledge that it is taking over and this feeling that I'm losing myself. Depression isn't what I thought it was before I had it: just down in the dumps. Instead its like your constantly losing something, like a death in the family feeling with no one else knowing, but you know and know well and scream inside and no one hears. I'm losing something, I'm losing myself in the brick black cave of death.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Happenstance
A dull morning. I'm down and can't help it for now. I am so tired of struggling so much just to get through the day. But I need to keep trudging through and try try again. I'm going to go for a walk and start moving thoroughly in order to get to a better place. Right now I'm tired, bitter, and filled with melancholy and depression like a sieve.
I couldn't sleep good last night, I woke up every two hours throughout the night and now feel the pin aches of restlessness reverberating through my body.
In other other news, I'm excited for the vice presidential debate tonight. I don't really like Sarah Palin all that much, I'm just so-so about her, but I do like McCain and think overall she was a pretty good pick. I'm interested to see more of her tonight and see how she does in the fire of Washington.
I'm excited for the weekend, especially because its going to rain on Saturday (fingers crossed). Today I'm going to set out our fireplace tools and get our apartment winterized. I'm also going to plan how I can spend perhaps $160 on Curb your enthusiasm, a fur blanket, perfume and a jean skirt. I doubt this can happen unless I get a lotto ticket...and win. But I am happy either way, just wishing and hoping.
Now to getting through this thoroughly terrible Thursday.
I couldn't sleep good last night, I woke up every two hours throughout the night and now feel the pin aches of restlessness reverberating through my body.
In other other news, I'm excited for the vice presidential debate tonight. I don't really like Sarah Palin all that much, I'm just so-so about her, but I do like McCain and think overall she was a pretty good pick. I'm interested to see more of her tonight and see how she does in the fire of Washington.
I'm excited for the weekend, especially because its going to rain on Saturday (fingers crossed). Today I'm going to set out our fireplace tools and get our apartment winterized. I'm also going to plan how I can spend perhaps $160 on Curb your enthusiasm, a fur blanket, perfume and a jean skirt. I doubt this can happen unless I get a lotto ticket...and win. But I am happy either way, just wishing and hoping.
Now to getting through this thoroughly terrible Thursday.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Agenda
Yesterday I started working on an agenda for when my parents come. Oh tiring and oh so overwhelming. Now we are going to meet at Starbucks an hour before the battle, how scary and awkward.
I think I am going to get my ears pierced again, I'm excited but nervous since the last time I did it I was nine years old. I imagine a high horror. But it will be cute and I want it, so to doing it this weekend.
I'm tired and restless. Mostly from life and mostly from five pills a day. The thing about taking medicine to improve your mood: side effects. The thing about not taking medicine: dying. I weigh the options constantly and still take the pills to save this little shell of a thing I call myself.
School today and I dread it. Most people have friends or a sit-by-buddy, I have no one and am the lonely girl in the corner feeling awkward and uncomfortable, right where I put myself. I sigh about it and feel alone. Then remember this is only school, in real life I have a life. In college I am my biggest fear: lonesome and disregarded. But to challenge myself to go there today and just sit in it and make love to it and feel it deep in my pining soul and how this makes me more depressed.
Now to exercising for an hour and then to starting the day in a mild mood and expression. Hopefully a mild mood, fingers crossed.
I think I am going to get my ears pierced again, I'm excited but nervous since the last time I did it I was nine years old. I imagine a high horror. But it will be cute and I want it, so to doing it this weekend.
I'm tired and restless. Mostly from life and mostly from five pills a day. The thing about taking medicine to improve your mood: side effects. The thing about not taking medicine: dying. I weigh the options constantly and still take the pills to save this little shell of a thing I call myself.
School today and I dread it. Most people have friends or a sit-by-buddy, I have no one and am the lonely girl in the corner feeling awkward and uncomfortable, right where I put myself. I sigh about it and feel alone. Then remember this is only school, in real life I have a life. In college I am my biggest fear: lonesome and disregarded. But to challenge myself to go there today and just sit in it and make love to it and feel it deep in my pining soul and how this makes me more depressed.
Now to exercising for an hour and then to starting the day in a mild mood and expression. Hopefully a mild mood, fingers crossed.
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