Agenda

Yesterday I started working on an agenda for when my parents come. Oh tiring and oh so overwhelming. Now we are going to meet at Starbucks an hour before the battle, how scary and awkward.

I think I am going to get my ears pierced again, I'm excited but nervous since the last time I did it I was nine years old. I imagine a high horror. But it will be cute and I want it, so to doing it this weekend.

I'm tired and restless. Mostly from life and mostly from five pills a day. The thing about taking medicine to improve your mood: side effects. The thing about not taking medicine: dying. I weigh the options constantly and still take the pills to save this little shell of a thing I call myself.

School today and I dread it. Most people have friends or a sit-by-buddy, I have no one and am the lonely girl in the corner feeling awkward and uncomfortable, right where I put myself. I sigh about it and feel alone. Then remember this is only school, in real life I have a life. In college I am my biggest fear: lonesome and disregarded. But to challenge myself to go there today and just sit in it and make love to it and feel it deep in my pining soul and how this makes me more depressed.

Now to exercising for an hour and then to starting the day in a mild mood and expression. Hopefully a mild mood, fingers crossed.