air

I am writing this in the airplane. All I see our blue seats, the wing, murky desert hills and sky. I take my free flowing klonopin, the only drug that can get me to actually go on a plane and feel calm, collected and Catherine. I have a routine, once we get to the airport, through security and checking our bags, I go to the nearest shop and buy a coke and some m&ms (my airliner comfort). We try to sit in the exit row as I get claustrophobic easily and the extra room helps. Not this time though as the exit rows were full. Second best is a seat in the back and hoping someone doesn’t sit next to us, not so lucky this time. Then I eat my candy and read a magazine until we take off. Once we take off, I rest, I write. I always tend to think deeply on the airplane so it’s a good time to get my thoughts out. The klonopin helps as it slows down racing thoughts and anxiety and helps me think straight.

I painted my nails dark red and am ready for the day. Tonight we are meeting some of Ron’s friends to play a poker game. It should be fun but I am a little nervous about meeting new people. I am really shy and I hope that doesn’t come across as me being rude or uncaring.

I am trying to break some of my bad habits, one of them being to stop finishing people’s sentences. I hate when I do that, and I do it every time someone fumbles over their words. It’s a sign of not actively listening, my mind races and guesses what they will say next. I am trying to do better.

Wish me luck in more ways than one.

xox