"I consider the days of old, the years long ago"

Life seems better in retrospect. I think back on when Ron and I first got together and in retrospect things appear so perfect. Then I remember the parents rules, the long drive to see each other, lonely nights without him, my constant crying, trying to figure out how we could be together. I remember the first time I told him we should get married in September. We had only been together for seven months and engaged for two. I can still see him standing by the stove in his parents kitchen helping me cook pasta (my first dinner for him) as I brought up the idea. He responded with interest but warily and we spent the evening sitting in the backyard planning our future together. Marriage in September was one of the best ideas I've ever had.

In retrospect, even last year looks better than right now. Last year I was more active, smaller, busy house hunting. This year we live in a dilapidated doll house (which I heart greatly), I feel like a whale, and have no energy whatsoever. Then I remember last years struggles; the thoughts beckoning me, Ron staying home with me all the time because I couldn't trust myself, the absolute haunting and curse that began.

I am still haunted, cursed, every horrible sad word, but I'm stronger now, more ready to face it. I have checks and balances in my head to keep me from falling off the edge. I keep the doors and windows in my mind closed up tight, the curtains drawn, trying to hide from my demon. He still finds his way in...