So they are coming. On October 30th we will have our rumble. I learn of this from short sniper flash responses from my mother like, "we will be there". I'm horribly anxious about it. A little worried bunny. But it will be good or something at least. I wonder if I should hug them, if we will hang out afterwords, how I will fall apart when I see them, If I will be mad. And right now I am mad at those (curse words).
Today begins the hour of exercising. We ran out of coffee this morning so I had to run to the store all self-conscious in my pajamas and dull dream stupor. Now I feel like I have an excuse to not exercise, I mean we all need coffee and I missed my caffeine window. But this is a stretch so I have to be a good girl and do what is best for me to feel good. But for now I'm pissed and cranky. More later...
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
fly now
It's early for a Saturday. Ron is on his way to his first 18 hole golf course. I missed his warmth in bed so had to get up. He is sweet and cuddly, so determined in the things he wants, so cranky from time to time which is horribly cute.
This morning Shannon and I are going to the Livermore thrift store. It's the last Saturday of the month so everything is half priced so we are going to get there when it opens. Two bargain hunters on the prowl for our Burberry coats. I have twenty dollars so have to be smart and tactful in what to get. Twenty dollars can disappear like magic.
I have this anxiousness and sleepeness right in my center. It creeps all over me like a vine and chokes me. Anxious about getting better, what to do with parents, waiting. Sleepy because of life, getting better, a tiredness that erupts in my soul.
Tomorrow Dexter starts. I want to have a party for the entire day in expectation.
This morning Shannon and I are going to the Livermore thrift store. It's the last Saturday of the month so everything is half priced so we are going to get there when it opens. Two bargain hunters on the prowl for our Burberry coats. I have twenty dollars so have to be smart and tactful in what to get. Twenty dollars can disappear like magic.
I have this anxiousness and sleepeness right in my center. It creeps all over me like a vine and chokes me. Anxious about getting better, what to do with parents, waiting. Sleepy because of life, getting better, a tiredness that erupts in my soul.
Tomorrow Dexter starts. I want to have a party for the entire day in expectation.
Friday, September 26, 2008
bridge
Things start out slow. I went out this morning looking for pine cones only to find they had all been run over by cars in the parking lot. I'm still wondering what to do with my parents and feel crushed and swallowed like a little pill.
In other news I've started making a new thing, jars with pictures and goodies inside. I made my first one today and titled it "north, south, east, west" and I don't know. I sort of like it. I have to get paint and more jars and pictures and try again. I want it to look terribly exciting and interesting like a little portal into a scene of life. Oh well and we'll see and oh my.
I tried to get through the morning and got through the morning. I am still on the hunt for white pumpkins to put around the apartment. I am so excited about fall. Tomorrow night we are going to a show at The Shoreline so I have to wear a coat. After so much dry heaved heat it's hard to imagine wearing a coat.
Isabelle is pouting because we had to put her bark collar on after she went into a tizzy over someone walking past our apartment. She lays on the couch next to me and tries to go to sleep even though she isn't tired, facing away from me and kicking me with her back paws. Such a cute messy emotional little thing.
In other news I've started making a new thing, jars with pictures and goodies inside. I made my first one today and titled it "north, south, east, west" and I don't know. I sort of like it. I have to get paint and more jars and pictures and try again. I want it to look terribly exciting and interesting like a little portal into a scene of life. Oh well and we'll see and oh my.
I tried to get through the morning and got through the morning. I am still on the hunt for white pumpkins to put around the apartment. I am so excited about fall. Tomorrow night we are going to a show at The Shoreline so I have to wear a coat. After so much dry heaved heat it's hard to imagine wearing a coat.
Isabelle is pouting because we had to put her bark collar on after she went into a tizzy over someone walking past our apartment. She lays on the couch next to me and tries to go to sleep even though she isn't tired, facing away from me and kicking me with her back paws. Such a cute messy emotional little thing.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
panther
"it's hard to see the way out when you live in a house, in a house. But you don't realize that the windows were open the whole time." -DCFC
I'm stuck in the middle and smashed to the side. I'm having a falling out with my parents and it's horrible. I wait for notes and feel like I'm screaming at them but they still can't hear me. It has become such a bogged down emotional mess with six page emails from my brother expressing how I have ruined our entire family by bringing up the past and asking for a change in the future. Of course this is sinful when you exist in a happy snow-globe world where nothing has changed--ever. Of course this is sinful when you have never worked out a problem with your spouse, why would you ever do it for your daughter?
Now I have been asked to call my mom. Most likely because the emotional mess can't come through in my letters. Most likely because she wants to tell me how much everyone is hurting because of me and how I am ruining everything in this easy carefree world of "happy pills". Yes I'm bitter. Yes I am.
All I want is a healthy relationship with them. All I have said is these things need to change, please understand and let's move forward to a better relationship. Little did I know how much those words would cause chaos. I am in the midst of a grumbling city, the creator of the earthquake, the fucking fault line. The perfect pretend city is crumbling and they don't know what to do. I want to watch them squirm, see their terrified faces and make things all better. I want to know that my parents want to have a relationship with me even when it isn't easy--and I'm still waiting.
I'm stuck in the middle and smashed to the side. I'm having a falling out with my parents and it's horrible. I wait for notes and feel like I'm screaming at them but they still can't hear me. It has become such a bogged down emotional mess with six page emails from my brother expressing how I have ruined our entire family by bringing up the past and asking for a change in the future. Of course this is sinful when you exist in a happy snow-globe world where nothing has changed--ever. Of course this is sinful when you have never worked out a problem with your spouse, why would you ever do it for your daughter?
Now I have been asked to call my mom. Most likely because the emotional mess can't come through in my letters. Most likely because she wants to tell me how much everyone is hurting because of me and how I am ruining everything in this easy carefree world of "happy pills". Yes I'm bitter. Yes I am.
All I want is a healthy relationship with them. All I have said is these things need to change, please understand and let's move forward to a better relationship. Little did I know how much those words would cause chaos. I am in the midst of a grumbling city, the creator of the earthquake, the fucking fault line. The perfect pretend city is crumbling and they don't know what to do. I want to watch them squirm, see their terrified faces and make things all better. I want to know that my parents want to have a relationship with me even when it isn't easy--and I'm still waiting.
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