swink

Its morning and I'm tired and cold. My car is frozen over like frosty the snowman and the tree in our front yard is full of orange and red-green leaves. I'm doing so-so this morning. I can feel the downswing coming. After all the excitement of the initial move and Vegas things begin to settle including my emotions.

Our bedroom is a reluctant pink and I just put grey curtains in the living room. I love our little house but am so unmotivated in finishing things up. I'm just tired this morning and the coffee isn't working like it promised.

Isabelle sleeps above the couch where the kittens sleep, and the kitty sleeps in Isabelle's bed. They are all moderately confused from the move.

Now to the day and getting through

Living proof

We are at the point of unpacking where you could convince yourself to stop altogether and live out of boxes for the rest of your life. There are clever little pathways to the kitchen and living room that could remain for years if we let it. For today I think we will.

We are leaving for Vegas tomorrow morning. Its exciting to get away from our little messy doll house for a while, then again I want to stay here forever and get things done. I'm ready though, ready for a break and to paint my nails and get dolled up.

Christmas is here even without a Christmas tree and this is weird. Mostly I think about presents. Mostly I hope we got good things for everybody.

I don't know what to do with all the strange mail coming in. Mortgage paperwork and homeowners insurance bills, its rather terrifying.

Back to unpacking...

Stipulate

I'm finally relaxing on the couch after a day of unpacking and unloading. I tweaked my back lifting boxes of books so that is a bummer. I just watched the Lakers lose a game by two points, and Ron is out buying me my Christmas present(s).

Its rawther exciting here. First the move and house, secondly Las Vegas in two days and thirdly Christmas. Sadly, we had to throw our Christmas tree away because it has already died. So now we have our little lighted Santa whose light is broken, and a miriad of presents at his feet. But there are stockings by the fire and candles so that works for now.

Now to doing laundry in preparation for Vegas...whoopee

One scotch

Its our second night in the house. We finally have heat and cold water after a night and morning of absolutely freezing. I feel so disconnected from reality these days. All I think of is what to unpack or clean. Things will slow down as we get more and more tucked in. Vegas is happily creeping up on me...

My body aches from working so hard but that's overall a good thing. Our house is cute and dingy and comfortable. It feels like a home even without decorations. Its comfortable and in an amazing location, our little woodsy get-away, right next to Danville dreamland. I'm so happy except for when I think about the mortgage coming up in February.

We have to get rid of our dear fish Aritstotle because there is no high road to hide him from the kittens. Hopefully Shannon and Kevin will be take the little guy.

I'm moderately tipsy after drinking a glass of Glenfarclas 1974, delicious and succulent as always...now to bed at 8 pm.

Kisses...

wanting, waiting

There is a rumor spreading that we are going to get the keys to our house today. I don't quite know what to do with this information. The hours creep by like slithery slugs and I'm anxious to all hell.

Last night we went on a date and saw The Day the Earth Stood Still in Imax. It had the potential to be a great creepy movie ala War of the Worlds but it fell short. Oh well.

Today is Santa Poker. Our companies yearly charity event. It should be fun but I'm rather stressed with the house and packing and all. I'm just going to try to relax and enjoy the day though.

meet

We are one day closer to getting the house. Why does time slow down when something exciting is about to happen? But today I did some sneaky Christmas shopping for Ronald. If I tell you what I bought, I would have to kill you and I'm not sure you'd want that.

Isabelle keeps getting fooled that Ron is home, she looks outside and every time someone walks by her tail wags and she runs to the door. Poor soon to be disappointed thing. She has the longest ever list for Santa Claus, mostly for treats and slippers.

We have a pink poinsettia and a tiny Christmas tree and they are ever so lovely and abiding. Our little reminders that the holidays are here, and oh the thought of moving it all to a new place is daunting.

shmohawk

So we don't have the keys to the house yet. The seller, also known as Slow Poke McGee, is taking his sweet time moving out. I blame and don't blame him. I'm just anxious and excited to move. We should have the place by Sunday or Monday though so its not too bad.

I have my appointment with Dr K today. I'm dreading it. I don't really want to get all deep and philosophical today. But alas, I must. I'm still feeling pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good which is rather amazing and exciting. There is so much exciting stuff going on its hard not to feel good.

On Sunday we bought a digital camera, which is awesome. I've been taking pictures of everything. Now we can take pictures of the entire move and of our dream vacation in Vegas. I'm so excited for Vegas, it will be a nice break from moving. I can't wait to play poker and have a reason to get dolled up.

Peace.

crash

So my down day is finally here. I had about a seven day streak which is the longest stretch of good days I've had in about a year. Its sort of sad to think about but its the reality of the situation. I just want to lay around and cry all day, but that won't do. Now back to fighting for simple things like a moment of peace.

Christmas is coming though and our new house is coming, and the weekend. So there is reason to get through the day.

night

Its morning and I'm tired. The house is officially ours now. Hopefully the seller moves out soon so we can go clean it and start moving in. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it...ok enough of that.

I'm watching the big three automakers talk to the Senate Banking Committee and its rather, extremely boring. I hate how jaded I am in regards to big business and the government, all I hear coming out of their mouths is a bunch of bullshit.

I'm so excited to live in Alamo. Its such a dreamland holy place. Right next to Danville and our house is just a few steps from the iron horse trail. Isabelle is going to love having a big backyard and I'm going to love our tiny orange kitchen and pink bathroom. Oh, I just can't wait.

Good thing: peppermint mochas
Bad thing: being carless

hamper

Ron is teaching in Oakland today and I'm waking up watching the glowing Christmas tree and wanting to go Christmas shopping. I'm still feeling good which is rather unnerving as I'm waiting for the crash, but I need to live in the moment and enjoy feeling good. What a relief and break from the dark cave I so often reside in.

Yesterday we went and saw the house. It is messy and smells so old. I want to open the windows and spray Febreeze everywhere. Its cute with all the original fixtures which are so 60s and the pink bathroom which is gorgeous. It needs a lot of work though so I am overwhelmed. But it will be ours any day now and I'm sure we will love it. Especially after Laura and I clean it.

The closer

This morning we signed the closing papers on our house. Just a few days to go and we will be homeowners officially! Its all so surreal at the moment. I can't even believe its Christmas time, let alone that we are getting a house. I'm not ready to celebrate quite yet, I'm still biting my fingernails in the anticipation that something will go wrong. This evening we are going to do our final walk through of the house so that will be fun.

I'm still feeling good so that is a surprise. Now I just have to enjoy and not worry about the downswing that certainly will come one of these days. It always comes. To live in the moment.

Our Christmas tree is so happy and stout. I love it and am going for a peppermint mocha tonight. It's so cold and gorgeous outside I want to live in scarves and wool mittens.

Good thing: Snuggly Isabelle
Bad thing: Her Santa squeaky toy

gone

He went back to work today, carrying his cold with him like a rock. It's weird to be alone after having so much time together. I keep thinking he is in the other room. I miss him already. I don't have a car so I'm stuck at home.

Isabelle is sleeping next to me and our Christmas tree is glowing and I'm feeling mild and rather calm. Sort of unmotivated but not really down. This is a good thing. I hope this feeling lasts for more than a few days, I need a break from the monster.

The Christmas season is here and it does and doesn't feel like it. I'm excited though. Everything is lush, beautiful and abiding.

We should know today or tomorrow when we will close on the house. I'm so excited I want to do a little shimmie shake dance.

Pink Christmas

I'm sitting on the couch listening to Ron play End War. Yesterday we bought a cute little 4.5 ft Christmas tree. It is all dolled up in plastic ornaments so we can move it easily. Its weird that Christmas is here, its weird that we're moving, its weird that I'm feeling good.

We still don't know when we will be moving exactly. We do have until the 20th to be in our apartment but we should get the house before then. We drove by it today and there is actual grass in the yard because of the rain. It looked green, happy and expectant for us to fix it up. I'm really excited.

Now to hot toddies and bed.

Thanksgiven

Well the day is ending and I'm at my computer thinking about what this holiday means. We spent the day at Shannon and Kevin's and it was fun. I am a little sick though, so that was a little damper on the day. Overall it was a good one. Two good days in a row, I'm on a rush.

Things I'm thankful for:

Ronald

Isabelle

Our new house and the people who helped us get there

Two good days

No more shakes

Dark chocolate

My creativity

The "where you want to be in five years" book

Flowers

Autumn

Cold nights with snuggles

Whiskey

Christams trees

All the supportive friends we have

My bed

Happy Thanksgiving world

Shaken

I'm at the office with Ron listening to him in a meeting. I'm tired and just went to my appointment which was rather rotten. First, we found out that we aren't going to be moving in with Paul and Laura if we can stay in our apartment longer because I can't handle too much change right now. Secondly, I found out that I have to go on another medicine with worse side effects next week. But we'll see. I have to do what I need to do and be strong.

I'm trying to write and be extra creative these days. Anything to keep me going through the dark cracks and crevices of depressiondom. It sounds romantic but isn't.

He is wonderful by the way, taking care of me and nursing me back to health in a slow steady way. He stays home with me and helps me get through the days when I don't think I can. To being with him tonight and soon.

Christmastime is nearly here and I can't wait. We are going to Vegas for Christmas which should be awesome. But I will miss the presents under the tree, the fire in the fireplace, making our cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Funny how many traditions we can have after being together only five years.

Halliday

We are at Panera Bakery taking time out to write and rest. I'm having a bad one today. Just here in this lonesome, sultry Autumn morning. His eyes are grey today along with my mood and he sits across from me nonchalantly busy on his laptop.

Isabelle has her hair cut extremely short so she is cold and shivery all the time. It's cute as she looks like a lioness with her ears as a mane. She is already anxiously waiting for Santa Claus as she plays with her snowman and Santa squeaky toy.

I'm weak as nostradomus in my defibrillating mood. And we are moving in five days.

upside down

Everything is a mess right now. We found out our loan is only going to cover $330k of the home price so we have to put down an even bigger down payment. We also found out that we aren't closing until December 5th but we are moving out of our apartment on the 30th and we may not get the keys until the 15th of December. I don't want to live with Ron's parents for a day, let alone two weeks. I'm so overwhelmed. The apartment is a wreck with boxes and dishes everywhere.

Anyway, it's Saturday and this afternoon we are going to make a plan and work everything out. I'm just tired. Tired of being sick and already tired of moving. But things will work out soon enough, I just need to get up and get moving.

early to bed

I'm usually asleep right now, but tonight I'm not for some reason. I think it could be that my medicine was reduced by ten milligrams, which helps me feel much more awake and in reality. It turned out I was on way too much medicine and had this weird reaction where my body couldn't stay still. Now I'm starting to calm down after a month of being anxious as hell. Thank god.

We are moving in ten days. Today we packed some of the kitchen. I'm excited for a beautiful Christmas in our new house. Then we went to Starbucks and enjoyed the Autumn day. Tonight we watched Alien vs Predator 2 and just made fun of it and we also gave Isabelle a haircut (a horrible idea) now she looks like a homeless dog and we have to take her into the groomer to get shaved so she can look partly normal. Poor girl.

normal

Last night we went to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra with Paul and Laura. It's our new tradition, bummer it's so cheesy. These silly "introspective" bottom dwellers telling us to love each other for Christmas. The narration is horrible and so unoriginal. But it's fun to watch P & L enjoy themselves. They think they are so rock and roll and it's very cute. I'm so excited for Christmas at our new house.

Life is getting back to normal. The turnaround is over, and things are settling out. I'm starting to come down and relax from holding myself together for a month. I am so antsy to have time with him tonight, my most interesting one. I want to pack everything up and move tomorrow, I'm so anxious-happy about the house.

Things really are coming together for us. In a lot of ways I am feeling better and stronger although depression still lurks in the corners and sinews. We got a dream doll house, things with the parents are over with, Christmas is coming, our love is growing. It seems today there is a God.

Isabelle is very sleepy. She woke me up just so she could go back to sleep in the living room. At three this morning I woke up to find her sitting next to me and watching me sleep and crying. What a cute girl who needs her mother so horribly.

homeless

So we got the loan, officially. This is such a relief and we are so excited. It's also the last day of the turnaround. How perfect, things are coming together.

I am feeling ok today. A little down but I can manage. Today I'm going to go grocery shopping and then to the mall with Melanie. It should be ok.

I just can't wait for today to be over. There are so many exciting things coming up but this turnaround just drags us down. We are so disconnected just from not having time together. But things will start getting back to normal soon and I miss him oh so much.

avarice

We should hear about our loan today, at least a preliminary decision. I rumble with anxiety over it. I'm exhausted from the waiting.

I'm getting depressed. I know I'm getting depressed when:

The apartment is messy and I don't care

I start living in bed

I'm always tired

I cry all the time

I think about cutting my arms off

I look in the mirror and only see an ugly sunken soul

My eyes are blank and expressionless

I don't laugh

I have no energy

I feel listless

I feel disconnected

I'm scared to leave the house

I'm not creative anymore

I'm trying to fight it though. I'm going to exercise in spite of it and do art in spite of it and go to lunch with Melanie. Really I just want to hide under the covers. Really this is the hardest thing. I can't handle another bout of this but I have to so wish me luck.

ugly doll

Only five days left for the turnaround. I feel like I'm in waiting. Waiting for the TA to end, waiting to hear about the loan, waiting for the time to tick by and the fog to clear outside.

Good things:

We are still alive

It's almost christmas time

We have an Isabelle

Sunday is almost here

www.uglydolls.com

But I'm tired on the inside, tired oh so much. I wish he was here to help me get through the day. This waiting is eating me alive. But I can handle it.

junkit

So our loan that was approved isn't anymore because they don't want to loan money since our home is a fixer upper. So gross! Now we have to start all over again. I just want this whole mess to be over with even if we don't get the house, I just want to know, have a final answer.

This is just the worst feeling, here we were just celebrating and now this.

bolsheviki

Its a cold, grey Russian morning. Isabelle is hunting and barking as usual. I'm tired and down, as usual and feeling disconnect uhm, as usual. Anyway. Here are some good things:

We got the house!

Isabelle won't bark so much once we move.

There are white roses on the coffee table.

It's almost Thanksgiving.

Only five more days of the turnaround.

I can do anything I want today.

I think I need to read Gifts From the Sea or something, I just feel so stuck and not myself. I don't feel creative anymore, I'm lackluster. I think I need to go back to bed and wake up on the right side. Maybe I will.

Love, me

the bells

Isabelle and I are on the couch waking up still. The countdown has begun since this is the last week of the turnaround, the last Monday, thank god. My jaw aches from stress and anxiety like someone is squeezing my poor nerves to death.

Things are going okay. We are still waiting for news on the loan but it should work out unless something insane happens. Once again, I'm still not ready to celebrate but do have a bottle of pink champagne that is waiting expectantly in the fridge. My life seems so cursed at times the idea that something good might happen is such a non-reality. But I keep my body crossed for good news.

when you're gone

It's Saturday and its just me and the dog who is in a very deep sleep. He is working, as always. I'm not used to being with him; when he comes home early (like last night) I just act awkward and fall asleep early because I feel so safe and comforted just like when we were dating. I took a nap every time we were together when we were dating because I felt so safe with him, away from my half-brutal perplexing family.

Today Shannon and I are going to Modesto to this gynormous thrift store which should be a lot of fun. We are looking for things for ebay and a few things for ourselves. I really need to find shirts so I will be on the sure-fire hunt.

He has the day off tomorrow so we can have some time to get used to each other, funny how unfamiliar you can get after being apart for about 90 hours. We are going to go to the movies and then watch Dexter together (the best show on earth). We can pretend life is simple just for a day.

mass

It's a clear cool Autumn day and the sun is shining through the window so bright it hurts my eyes. Ron is going to work late tonight again. Only ten more days to go, that seems like an eternity though. I have a bad headache and miss him 100 times 100.

We are both trying to focus on the bright side though. as the song goes "always look on the bright side of life" I hate that song. I am so negative most of the time. But here are some good things:

1. The loan documents should officially be finished on our end. Now to waiting...
2. I did some early Christmas shopping today and stayed on budget and bought good things.
3. I am drinking snapple iced tea.
4. On Saturday Shannon and I are going to the super thrift.
5. I have the cutest puffy-puff dog.
6. There are sunflowers on the coffee table.
7. He will be home tonight.

pony

It's the third glorious dull morning of the turnaround. Poor Ron dresses in layers and leaves for work at an ungodly hour. Luckily tonight he is going to get off at normal time (fingers crossed). We are going over to the kids house tonight (aka Shannon and Kevin's) which is always fun.

I feel all stitched up and upside down like a whirligig. I feel so lost when I'm alone, pointless and unnecessary. But to keep moving forward and lulling about in a determined sort of way. Things will be ok I just need to stay strong and brave like always. I'm tired of being strong and brave, I wish I had some time to fall apart. But if I fall apart alone that will mean doomsday.

The day is crisp and icy cool and calm. The sky is rich antique blue and the pine trees are so green and thick. It's gorgeous outside. Now to just let it seep into my bones so I can enjoy it.

homefront

Its the second day of the turnaround and I'm starting to get used to things. I went to my appointment today and got a lot of advice on how to be ok being alone and such. It also was explained to me why I'm like this. Basically, my parents never taught me how to self-comfort because they were so unpredictable and if they don't know how to rest they couldn't teach me how to rest. Instead they taught me how to stress out and be scared of things. So I learned to be afraid of being alone and of life itself and instead of resting when I am alone I get racing thoughts and anxiety. So the dr told me to buy some slippers and spa things and take care of myself so that is what I'm doing.

Isabelle is eating my new slippers though...she just can't help it. So I made a little fire and Ron should be home soon and I will make us a pizza and just rest with him. I can't wait to see him. This seems like the biggest thing but really it can be a good thing if I let it. To just rest and have peace.

the sea between you and me

They left yesterday thankfully. I thought I would be happy but I have a tinge of miss for my dad but hate to admit it since I still have so much anger and trepidation toward him. I'm still processing all that has happened and the more I think about it the more I feel disconnected and horrible about the whole thing. The real test is how they are when they get home and comfortable, if they will remember me then.

He is at the turnaround and I miss him so much. Today to getting through and moving forward even though I'm tired and down.

the devil in miss jones

My parents are still here. Our get togethers are awkward and uncomfortable. I am so overwhelmed with everything that is going on: the turnaround, the house, the parents; I feel sick to my stomach. I just want to sleep and cry, I'm getting thrown into a mild depression all topsy and turvy.

Ron starts the turnaround today. He only has to work until about 2:30 if things go as planned so that isn't so bad. But this week it begins. I have to focus on packing, art, resting and getting through without the restlessness, the thoughts that trail me like vultures.

The loan process for the house is really starting now, we should know by the end of the week if we got the loan. I'm cynical about the whole thing. Quite positive that just like most everything else, this too will end in failure. But to hope and laying waste to this thrill shrill anxiousness.

The parents are luckily leaving tomorrow. I have so much to process with the meeting, still so much anger and frustration toward them that being with them is nail biting. Just Shannon and I are hanging out today and that is especially scary. I will get through it and send them home tomorrow.

I just need to rest and assuage this restlessness that crinkle creeps through me constantly. I just don't feel like myself these days. I just feel like a trembling shell, an empty soul.

The good news is it has been raining for the last two days and is beautiful out. We had our first fire in the fireplace last night. If I can get myself to gently focus just a bit I can get a lot done during this time. I can do so much art, writing, packing it could be brilliant. The especially good news is I only have two days before I can see dr K and explain this constant jittering that is eating me alive and hopefully get some help.

The aftermath

So yesterday I met with my parents and it went (insert drum roll) amazingly well. They want to have a relationship and I can already see changes. My dad wants to take me to lunch today, something we have never done. It's scary and exciting to have parents again. To have a dad really, for the first time. It's a sad but also happy moment. There is still so much grieving to do but also so much hope for the future.

The turnaround has officially started and I already miss Ronald. He will probably have to work this weekend. But I just have to take this time and pack, do art, meditate, listen to calm sultry music and drink tea.

Isabelle is very silly as we have found a new tickle spot on her back. Each time we scratch it her leg goes into scratchy convulsions and she lifts her head with the happiest most anxious expression. She is rotten as she woke me up early only to go back to sleep after we shared my poptart. What a selfish adorable mooch.

Now to the day, to a scary-exciting lunch with my dad and to resting and being thankful.

this is the part

So they are coming tomorrow. I am horribly, sickly anxious about it but still moving. It's only 11:30 am but I feel like it should be night already from all the thinking and worrying I have done today. I'm ready to just get it over with. Tonight to lots of drinking, seeing the house at 4 and having a home meeting with Ron's parents which should be good. I'm rather excited/nervous about the house and expectant joyful to see it again today. The little darling mess of a thing that will suck up all our money like a leach in a festering pond.

I'm all practiced up with what I am going to say but not ready. Ready to talk but not ready to see them, the backs of their eyelids, the sinews of their flesh. To actually see, touch, be, with them is terrifying. These things, these ravaging creatures, this mom and dad.

We are at Panera and it's nice to sit and relax or try to relax. I am full, full of anxiety and vegetable soup. Friday is Halloween and we are going to see Beetle Juice at the theater tomorrow. And then carve the little white pumpkin Friday night. Our version of celebration for an all howls eve.

Oh lord of lore, wish me luck for the humdrum horrid monster tomorrow.

pillow talk

I'm feeling mostly better from the dank putrid cold. Now back to normal life. But not so normal...instead its a looming week since my parents are coming to town on Wednesday. Thursday is the big meeting and I am practicing and nervous and oh so Catherine about it. The thing is I'm just afraid of falling apart and being rejected. I'm afraid I won't get my point across. I'm afraid they will promise to change in the moment but won't actually change at all. I'm afraid of really losing them. One of the big control freak things I'm worried about is getting the apartment clean. My mom is a neat freak and I want everything to be impressive and perfect to hide how falling apart I really am. Bad I suppose in one respect, but in another it's something to do, a way to cope, a way to feel a little more stable.

Also we are moving quite, quite soon. So already to finding boxes (a score in the dumpster yesterday finding about five), already to getting rid of things our dining room is full of things to bring to Goodwill. Then to organizing, packing during the turnaround, and taking it all apart in order to put back together in a new dream house.

Today to grocery shopping in a nice slow budget friendly way and to cleaning the apartment top to bottom and to feeling that nervous fear/excitement lumped in the middle.

Hope for flowers

So we got the house! We are so excited and just can't believe it. It actually is an interesting story as to how we ended up getting it and it just proves that it is the house for us. When we first went to see the house we noticed there were buddha statues in the front yard and we mentioned to our realtor the story about grandpa and how his congestive heart failure gave him a big belly so he got a tattoo of buddha on his belly and we called it the buddha belly and rubbed it for luck. Well, it turns out our realtor shared this story with the seller and that is why we got the house! He thought we were the right couple to live in his families home and even took less money for it! Ron and I just couldn't believe it. It just shows how things work out and how there is hope when money doesn't always speak louder than words. He is also going to give us one of the buddha statues and we are going to give it a special place in a yard in memory of grandpa.

So now we are moving in 40 days. It's all really overwhelming but good. There is so much work to do, getting the loan documents together, packing and getting rid of all our junk, budgeting for the mortgage, budgeting the fixes on the house, etc...It's going to be quite a big job but I know we can do it.

Counter counter counter

We got a counter offer on the house for $570k and we re-countered with $545k once again it is a long shot for our offer to be accepted. There are six offers total, two cash, two funky ones that shouldn't be accepted and one like ours which is the one we are worried about. But we shall see. I love this house but am willing to walk away. I'm still anxious-excited but we should know in a few hours.

If this house doesn't work out there are several in Walnut Creek that we are interested in so we should have a house by the first of the year, fingers crossed and oh so exciting. The problem is I've already fixed up and decorated the house in Alamo...oops. I can't help it.

I'm still sick but feeling a little better after last night since I was able to sleep for most of the night without interruptions other than waking at four for about an hour. Hopefully I will be better by the weekend.

Sick girl

My cold just keeps getting worse. Even with nighttime cold medicine I couldn't sleep last night. I feel miserable now, exhausted but I can't sleep. Oh well.

It's about 99% sure we didn't get the house in Alamo. That's ok though. It needed a lot of work and there were a lot of things we didn't like about it that we may not have been able to fix up since we were rather strapped for cash. So now to looking for another...most likely in Walnut Creek or San Ramon, since finding houses in our range in Danville and Alamo is a rarity. Still excited though but a bit disappointed at the moment.

My parents are coming next week. I met with my doctor and went over what I was going to say and the sensation of public speaking crept over me. I am sort of giving a speech, but instead of something simple and non-emotional this is a speach on my innards, not just a speech, a conversation with the people I quake and sigh over. Its going to be so hard.

After my parents come the turnaround starts. I'm anxious about it but it should be easier than some of the past turnarounds. I just have that sick feeling that I'm going to fall apart again right at the beginning of it. As usual, I have horrible timing. As usual, we run so bad.

But today I'm just sick so that tinges everything with grey sad edges.

"I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"

Last night we made an offer on the house for sale in Alamo. It apparently has several offers on it and we offered $75k below asking price so we doubt we will get it but it's worth a shot. It was good to see how serious the parents are, I know we will get a house soon even if it isn't this one and it was also good to go through the whole process in general.

So I'm rather anxious today and horribly sick with the devil cold. I have to go see Dr. K and go pick up some medicine regardless. I wish I had a maid though because I'm tired as I hardly slept last night because we didn't have any night time cold medicine.

One thing I have to say is I'm so sick of the coverage of McCain and Obama's rallies. They say the same exact thing and everyone feigns and shouts and stutters like they are The Beatles or something. Only 14 more days to handle at least.

Isabelle is trying to dig to China through the couch. She loves to dig but has no yard so the couch is a suitable replacement. She wants to go to her home country to get some won tons and is very sighy and growly about the whole thing.

Sick day

My cold has suddenly got really bad which is just what I need on a Monday. I'm going to do things in spite of it which is probably a terrible idea.

Yesterday we went to look at a house in Alamo. It's a total remodel but has good bones and a huge yard. I love it but am worried it would be too much work for us and cost too much. I think I would like the challenge though. We will just wait and see and continue to think about it.

This weekend was pretty good overall. Saturday Ron went golfing so Shannon and I hung out all day which was a lot of fun. Then yesterday was house hunting and just resting with my baby and Isabelle.

This week Ron is busy with meetings so its my challenge to get through the days without him coming to help me. This will be a good test as to how things will be during the turnaround. I'm doing ok so far other than feeling sicky. Wish me luck...

Implode

I'm so tired this morning with my little cold shrouding my head like a wreath. It's Friday and that's a good thing. I don't have much of anything to say. Isabelle is sleeping and sighing very seriously. I keep dreaming we have a baby.

This weekend we are going house hunting with Paul and Laura. They brought it up and think we should still be in the market even with the economy being as it is. So that is good news. I'm a tiny bit excited but trying not to get overly hopeful.

We have a little ebay business now. Sloe Gin Betty is on the move. We have made about $40 dollars but need to make some adjustments to keep the money flowing. Tonight to doing more planning and taking some more pictures. It's really fun though and hopefully we will hit the motherload with an item soon and get more than one or two bids.

I'm having a down down morning as usual. Oh well, ah me.

Senator Government

The debates were rather feisty last night. The most entertaining of them all at least. Once again there wasn't a clear winner. I think there were certain questions and points where each candidate got owned by the other. I especially liked when McCain said "Joe you're rich, congratulations" and when he said he wasn't George Bush. I think McCain missed a lot of opportunities to attack and attacked on some odd issues. But McCain is finished even though I voted for him last night on my absentee ballot.

I'm still not feeling good and now I have a cold too. The doctor changed my medicine all around but again, this takes time. It will take about a month for me to be on the right doses again of the medicine I was on previously. So now the waiting game begins and patience is needed, but I feel slightly desperate. Ron has taken the week off work to be with me and that helps a bit. We are going out to Starbucks or Panera every day in order to be social and cunning writers.

I'm finally and disappointedly dropping out of my class at school. I'm so behind in homework and have missed so many lectures there is no way I can catch up before the deadline. Alas, another point in which I failed.

My parents are coming in two weeks and I'm scared and half ready. Right on schedule. I'm trying to write about it every day and plan for the meeting. This is going to be so hard, and I'm slightly distrusting of my doctor as the mediator after I fell apart last Tuesday.

Thing I hate: Being sick
Thing I love: Viva Pinata game

bliss-ter

It's an encroachable Monday after a down down down weekend. On Saturday we went to the movies and sushi, Sunday to Panera and then a rest day of watching Dexter and eating chinese food. I took a nap last evening and woke up in the darkness which always scares me. I'm down because my parents are coming and perhaps this darn medicine isn't working so well.

Now to a better Monday. I'm getting closer and closer to dropping out of school, I have to just make a choice because the longer I wait, the more entrenched I get. Everyone says I shouldn't but the depression increases every time I have to go and I hate it. "I'm a loner dottie, a rebel"

I'm just tired of feeling like shit. Very, very tired. I want something, anything to ease the pain of being here. But I have to be a big girl now and do what is overall best for me, which at this moment is to exercise. Wish me luck

caribou

I woke up in the middle of the night wanting to cry over my dad. I almost woke you up but you were so calm sleeping beside me. I don't know how my dad can be so blank and seemingly heartless. We'll be seeing him soon and all I want to say to him is goodbye.

Shannon and I are ebay-ers now. Selling things and planning our sloe gin betty escape from the working world. We have one bid but it's from my mother in-law so though it is sweet it doesn't really seem to count. Tonight the boys are going to the whiskey fest so Shannon and I are going to have an ebay party with a glass or two of booze. I don't know how to be a model, we don't know how to take good pictures, we aren't so good at organizing but it's fun to learn together and try new things like struggling artists.

My red nail polish is chipping just like my soul. I'm feeling moderate today. I was able to clean up the apartment and have energy to redecorate some and clean up my art room but I miss the steady hand, steady heart, being able to close my mouth without my teeth chattering. I want to be a smooth, cinder-calm artistic girl who is strong and stable and effortless.

Schmoe

I took Isabelle for a walk on a new fangled leash and she suddenly became a good girl who doesn't pull and yank this way in that in order to attack leaves and rocks and sniff every inch of grass. Now she is all happy and proud of herself and running around kicking a plastic cup this way and that. Yes, we have a very strange-cute dog.

Yesterday I decided to take my pills that make me sleepy at bedtime rather than throughout the day and it felt so much better. Instead of going to sleep at 8:00, I went to bed at 10:30 and was able to lay in bed and read for half an hour. It was so relaxing to not just fall asleep right away but to be able to unwind from the day, I missed that time and now hopefully it will stay this way.

Today I'm going to use my art room and do some crafts and other such fun things. I don't like having to guide myself on bad days like this. I'd much rather have to go out and get away, but this will be good. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin, in my own house alone. It's a high struggle but I will try.

the bird is the word

I feel the coolness of the day and remember my Autumns of inspiration where I would write and do art for hours. I miss those times. I miss being calm and stable.

I'm tired again this morning but am going to go out for a long walk with my ipod and then to tidying up the apartment, and getting ready for school. I hate school more than anything these days. It is my evil partner, my downswing.

I want to just stay home and do art, open the window in my art room and feel the cool breeze. It's a mess in there right now so I need to pick things up and think of something to make. I miss being creative so much. Maybe that is a good sign. I don't really know anymore.

I can't believe the economy these days. It's scary. Our 401k and business have been hemorrhaging money. It puts off our home buying ideas which weren't really moving too much anyway. I miss the idea of it though, the hope of it. Now I'm over it, we are doomed to our cute, gorgeous apartment all dolled up with no place to go.

Now to walking and going up up and away to a better mood, fingers crossed. I hope something magical can happen.

mourning

Isabelle is lying next to me upset that I put her bark collar on, she is very serious this morning. Serious, and sleepy with her eyebrows constantly shifting in strange thoughts and proddings. Perhaps plotting my death, perhaps plotting breakfast.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought our pumpkins for Halloween, one white and one cinderella pumpkin. Which is a gorgeous pale orange with green sections and nice and squat and wide like someone sat and smooshed a regular pumpkin. They are sitting by the fire place and I love them. They make me feel warm and autumned.

Last night I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 8 this morning. I have been incredulously tired lately. It clamors up my spine and straight into my soul. Such a tired, depressed girl these days. I just feel awful, awful. Nothing feels good anymore, nothing is exciting.

But its Autumn and this gives me a shade, a tinge of happiness when I think of slow sweet holidays, bundling up near the fireplace, peppermint mochas, the leaves turning, the cold rush and chill.

Topple

I'm so down in the mornings. I miss my dear Cymbalta. You don't know how good something works until you don't have it anymore.

In other news this was a pretty good weekend. On Saturday I went and got my ears pierced again, I sat in the chair like a little girl and pop there it went and I exclaimed "it's not as bad as a tattoo!" silly me. Then we went to a new restaurant (Pho Asian Bistro) and to see Nick and Norah and the Infinite Playlist. It was pretty cute and the restaurant was great.

Sunday we went to the California Grand to play some poker. Ron had a horrible run which still makes me feel gross to think about, some bad beats and he was incredibly card dead. Me on the other hand...after the first two hours of being card dead I hit a sick rush. I was in for $400 and left with $1900. I made about $166 dollars an hour! Our table was filled with wonderful donkeys so I just stacked up their chips and called them my own. Would have much rather had Ron be the big winner because having that many chips terrifies me, but was glad to build our bankroll.

I have to go to school and stick it out (that's what she said) this week no matter what. I don't want to but will continually recite to myself "I don't give a shit if you don't give a fuck" and remind myself of the stacks of cash at home. Oh I will be such a gangsta. Then to grocery shopping which isn't a very gangsterish thing to do at all but my name will be swizznizzle regardless. Peace.

Blue Sunday

Depressed this morning, hopefully the pills will kick in soon to give me a manageable day. We are getting ready to play poker at some casino, I can't remember the name. It should be good. I think I'm going to wear my boots today and dress girly, the more girly the more I can make them believe I don't know what I'm doing. To bad I'm a tough cookie and not sweet and flirtatious, all these things rack up like dollar signs. So easy to take advantage of susceptibilities. I'm not so good at it though, to shy and somewhat genuine and open booked.

But this morning I'm tired and down, down, down in the black pit of raven wood horror. I'm stuck in the crevice. The monster smacks its lips at me, ready to tear me apart. And I'm trapped and oh so used up to fight it.

We took Isabelle for a walk this morning. the streets were lined with water from the melting frost and sprinklers so she left little wet paw prints everywhere she went like a secret code, a path to home. Now she is happy and running about the apartment like a robot.

Something to say

I'm tired and here with red nail polish. Isabelle and Oliver are sleeping next to me all sweet and cuddly. My eyes want to close and I'm terribly yawny. But its another day and to getting through and having a moderate one unlike yesterday.

Last night I dreamt these aliens came that looked like humans but didn't know how to be human, they knew all our thoughts and would come and live with us like exchange students and we had to teach them how to bathe, how to eat, how to sleep, and if we thought something bad about them they would zap us to death. It sounds silly now, but it was so scary in my established dreamland world.

Last night we went to Wal-Mart in our pajamas and bought this craft I can make today. Little cute pom-pom animals, a skunk, a bunny, a squirrel and an owl. They are very sweet and it will be fun to make and act little.

Yesterday was a bad one, I was so down and creeping depressed. Still am now but trying to be more measured about it and to remind myself this is (hopefully) only temporary. There is just this emptiness right in the middle of me that I hate. This hopelessnes, this lack of passion, this lack of substance and the knowledge that it is taking over and this feeling that I'm losing myself. Depression isn't what I thought it was before I had it: just down in the dumps. Instead its like your constantly losing something, like a death in the family feeling with no one else knowing, but you know and know well and scream inside and no one hears. I'm losing something, I'm losing myself in the brick black cave of death.

Happenstance

A dull morning. I'm down and can't help it for now. I am so tired of struggling so much just to get through the day. But I need to keep trudging through and try try again. I'm going to go for a walk and start moving thoroughly in order to get to a better place. Right now I'm tired, bitter, and filled with melancholy and depression like a sieve.
I couldn't sleep good last night, I woke up every two hours throughout the night and now feel the pin aches of restlessness reverberating through my body.

In other other news, I'm excited for the vice presidential debate tonight. I don't really like Sarah Palin all that much, I'm just so-so about her, but I do like McCain and think overall she was a pretty good pick. I'm interested to see more of her tonight and see how she does in the fire of Washington.

I'm excited for the weekend, especially because its going to rain on Saturday (fingers crossed). Today I'm going to set out our fireplace tools and get our apartment winterized. I'm also going to plan how I can spend perhaps $160 on Curb your enthusiasm, a fur blanket, perfume and a jean skirt. I doubt this can happen unless I get a lotto ticket...and win. But I am happy either way, just wishing and hoping.

Now to getting through this thoroughly terrible Thursday.

Agenda

Yesterday I started working on an agenda for when my parents come. Oh tiring and oh so overwhelming. Now we are going to meet at Starbucks an hour before the battle, how scary and awkward.

I think I am going to get my ears pierced again, I'm excited but nervous since the last time I did it I was nine years old. I imagine a high horror. But it will be cute and I want it, so to doing it this weekend.

I'm tired and restless. Mostly from life and mostly from five pills a day. The thing about taking medicine to improve your mood: side effects. The thing about not taking medicine: dying. I weigh the options constantly and still take the pills to save this little shell of a thing I call myself.

School today and I dread it. Most people have friends or a sit-by-buddy, I have no one and am the lonely girl in the corner feeling awkward and uncomfortable, right where I put myself. I sigh about it and feel alone. Then remember this is only school, in real life I have a life. In college I am my biggest fear: lonesome and disregarded. But to challenge myself to go there today and just sit in it and make love to it and feel it deep in my pining soul and how this makes me more depressed.

Now to exercising for an hour and then to starting the day in a mild mood and expression. Hopefully a mild mood, fingers crossed.

like bringing a knife to a gunfight

So they are coming. On October 30th we will have our rumble. I learn of this from short sniper flash responses from my mother like, "we will be there". I'm horribly anxious about it. A little worried bunny. But it will be good or something at least. I wonder if I should hug them, if we will hang out afterwords, how I will fall apart when I see them, If I will be mad. And right now I am mad at those (curse words).

Today begins the hour of exercising. We ran out of coffee this morning so I had to run to the store all self-conscious in my pajamas and dull dream stupor. Now I feel like I have an excuse to not exercise, I mean we all need coffee and I missed my caffeine window. But this is a stretch so I have to be a good girl and do what is best for me to feel good. But for now I'm pissed and cranky. More later...

fly now

It's early for a Saturday. Ron is on his way to his first 18 hole golf course. I missed his warmth in bed so had to get up. He is sweet and cuddly, so determined in the things he wants, so cranky from time to time which is horribly cute.

This morning Shannon and I are going to the Livermore thrift store. It's the last Saturday of the month so everything is half priced so we are going to get there when it opens. Two bargain hunters on the prowl for our Burberry coats. I have twenty dollars so have to be smart and tactful in what to get. Twenty dollars can disappear like magic.

I have this anxiousness and sleepeness right in my center. It creeps all over me like a vine and chokes me. Anxious about getting better, what to do with parents, waiting. Sleepy because of life, getting better, a tiredness that erupts in my soul.

Tomorrow Dexter starts. I want to have a party for the entire day in expectation.

bridge

Things start out slow. I went out this morning looking for pine cones only to find they had all been run over by cars in the parking lot. I'm still wondering what to do with my parents and feel crushed and swallowed like a little pill.

In other news I've started making a new thing, jars with pictures and goodies inside. I made my first one today and titled it "north, south, east, west" and I don't know. I sort of like it. I have to get paint and more jars and pictures and try again. I want it to look terribly exciting and interesting like a little portal into a scene of life. Oh well and we'll see and oh my.

I tried to get through the morning and got through the morning. I am still on the hunt for white pumpkins to put around the apartment. I am so excited about fall. Tomorrow night we are going to a show at The Shoreline so I have to wear a coat. After so much dry heaved heat it's hard to imagine wearing a coat.

Isabelle is pouting because we had to put her bark collar on after she went into a tizzy over someone walking past our apartment. She lays on the couch next to me and tries to go to sleep even though she isn't tired, facing away from me and kicking me with her back paws. Such a cute messy emotional little thing.

panther

"it's hard to see the way out when you live in a house, in a house. But you don't realize that the windows were open the whole time." -DCFC

I'm stuck in the middle and smashed to the side. I'm having a falling out with my parents and it's horrible. I wait for notes and feel like I'm screaming at them but they still can't hear me. It has become such a bogged down emotional mess with six page emails from my brother expressing how I have ruined our entire family by bringing up the past and asking for a change in the future. Of course this is sinful when you exist in a happy snow-globe world where nothing has changed--ever. Of course this is sinful when you have never worked out a problem with your spouse, why would you ever do it for your daughter?

Now I have been asked to call my mom. Most likely because the emotional mess can't come through in my letters. Most likely because she wants to tell me how much everyone is hurting because of me and how I am ruining everything in this easy carefree world of "happy pills". Yes I'm bitter. Yes I am.

All I want is a healthy relationship with them. All I have said is these things need to change, please understand and let's move forward to a better relationship. Little did I know how much those words would cause chaos. I am in the midst of a grumbling city, the creator of the earthquake, the fucking fault line. The perfect pretend city is crumbling and they don't know what to do. I want to watch them squirm, see their terrified faces and make things all better. I want to know that my parents want to have a relationship with me even when it isn't easy--and I'm still waiting.

Handy

Isabelle is barking at the maintenance man who is working on our fridge. He keeps finding jingly cat toys so she keeps going in there to steal a few, get's rather excited/scared and comes running back to me. She looks like a cute rotten spoiled poodle now with her new haircut.

It's been a long time. Feels like I'm starting over with you darling. I'm feeling okay, other than horrible jump-out-of-my-skin antsy from my medicine. But it works in a few important respects in a so-so humdrum powerful parcel sort of way most of the time.

I have been rawther artistic lately which has been fun. I also want to start doing yoga and meditating from time to time. This will be my check in journal to keep track of how I'm doing and how I feel each day. So to do it. And to amen.

splayed

It's the start of a moderately busy day. I have the opening song to Rosemary's Baby in my head and just thinking about it scares me. I think that is actually the scariest part of the movie, other than how jealous I am of Mia Farrow's adorable hair and dresses.

I'm going to start using this blog as a check in on how I am doing at sticking with my goals each day. Some of them being doing yoga, art, writing, cooking, and the like. I'm thinking of taking up sketching again, mostly in pen and ink. I need to start journaling more and going out to parks to sketch and get the creativity flowing again.

We are planning on getting tattoos this month. Just need to find the ideas. I'm getting a sleeve of Valentine hearts, flowers and such. I think it will be gorgeous, and elegant.

Got to go get ready, things to do.

Look kids it's a bankroll!

Last night we had dinner with Ron's parents. After a brief discussion on how we lost our measly bankroll in one night at Bay 101, we discovered that they have been holding a $5,000 bonus for us for perhaps over a year, waiting to give it to us. They said they would ask us how we were doing with money, and of course we say fine because we are doing fine (doesn't mean we don't want or need more), but since we said we were doing fine they just kept holding it in their sneaky little way. Now that we know this, whenever they ask about money again we are going to say "we are horribly poor".

Anyway, this means we have a $5,000 bankroll which is not bad at all. Now we are planning our run to $10,000...
I'm a bit gun shy after our big losing session on Sunday, but at the same time I keep telling Ron "give me some money and I will sit down and eat their souls!" Oh, I am quite competitive when I want to be. Also, our tax rebate check of $1200 will be here soon and be used for some needlework...

In other news, Isabelle is starting to look like a woolly mammoth and the art room will be put together tomorrow. Then next week, my new writer-artist schedule will begin. And a doctors appointment because I am starting to suspect I have asthma.

birthday

It's my darlings birthday. Tonight we are going out to PF Chang's for sake and dinner, then to cold stone and the midnight showing of Indiana Jones. I bought him a few things and of course I doubt and suffer in the thought that he won't like them, but we will see tonight...He is wonderful and I hope I can let him know how special he is.

This weekend the party sort of continues. We are going to get an ice cream cake, and also go play poker at Bay 101 on Sunday. We are excited to dabble in live poker again. A win would be the best present. A lose, will be a downtrodden trip to denny's then home for some whiskey and sleep. 

Last weekend we cleaned out our second bedroom turned garage. It was horrible and good and overwhelming. Now it is becoming my art room and all that is left is organizing all my art stuff the way I want, and decorating. I'm excited. I'm also getting a laptop to keep in there for writing, I can't wait to get started on a schedule of doing the things I love. It's a battle for me, but to do it, really do it. To devote, and write and create--images, feelings, pangs. This is what I want to do. Now to fight my damn self effacing and get, get to it.

In June we are going to Vegas for Ron to go to a conference. I will have several days alone, staying at the Rio while the WSOP is in progress. I'm so excited to be able to watch some of the events and troll the hotel for our favorite players. But I will miss Ron and hate to fill him in on the exciting details of my day when he spent his in a classroom listening to a nasally voiced instructor.

"all that I need to get me through this is a long vacation"

We went to Disneyland. We went because we were both horribly close to losing our minds from the stress of the situation. So we road tripped down and stayed at a next door motel and became kids again as we walked to the park. Ron getting too dizzy on the teacups, me being attacked by a giant moth on the Matterhorn. We remembered how to laugh, how to smile. We skipped, galloped, ate cotton candy and churros. We both forgot for a while, the creeping-curdled mess within me that comes out most at home. All that mattered was what ride to go on next, what sweet treat we wanted, how we were going to pose for pictures. On the way home we refocused, planned-prodded. And now here we are still determined and mostly rested. What a wonderful wish, dream come true. 

We are working on organizing the apartment and also confronting my parents. Last night we organized our patio storage unit and then to the office where we are going to set up a big writing space for me and perhaps soon buy me a laptop just for writing. I'm so excited, inspired, determined to get through it all and to the things I want. Writing, floristry, being a strong loving creative soul. 

Isabelle is sleeping on Ron's pillow with pouty lips, not wanting to wake up. Last night we got her a bark collar, she barked once and then jumped back terrified, then slowly creeping forward, lightly, gently, imagining some mean spirited creature had just attacked her. Poor thing. And today she is getting a bath, extra poor thing. 

Now to the day-- and tonight bbq-ing, and watching the playoffs.

drop

It has been an infernal stretched, run amuck long time. This month has been creeping along, my hypothesis is that it will never end. I want to get to a new month just to prove to myself that life can continue after turnarounds. But I know time is moving even though it may only be squirming awkwardly in it's chair because my flowers are dying. 

I'm trying some new things. Simple humdrum ideas to pull my creativity out of the mire, like reading every day, slowing down and spending more time in thought and writing. Yesterday I bought a new red journal and now to use it and persevere. I have to keep digging deep within myself to stay on the high hill and out of the black cave I came from.

Things have been busy but we are still finding some sort of time. We have a date once a week. Last night we went to Applebee's and then to Starbucks to share an Americano and read our book together, which is almost over and quite exciting. For Easter we bought each other little presents, he got me the sixth season of Curb Your Enthusiasm (dare I say the best show on earth?) and I bought him the first season of Flight of the Conchords, which is amazing. So we have been watching those at night and going to bed for pretend early, and eating ice cream. We are having fun amidst the craziness of life in general. We have also started going out on Sunday mornings and reading Paulo Coelho books (the alchemist and the fifth mountain) and journaling. It's nice to have our own sort of time to refocus both alone and together. 

This is a time of change for us, in a lot of areas. With me starting to feel better it changes a lot of things, life is more vivid in that there is more nuance and things to figure out, choices and plans to make. It really has been years since thing have been this good. We were walking last night and talking about how it feels like we just got married, because for so many years of our marriage time stopped. It was just about taking care of me and getting better. Now we return to that first year of marriage before I got really sick, with a newness, a new connection and growth. It's exciting and scary at the same time. But we can see each other and see our life, and we are happy.

1:00 am

At night we light the candles and climb into bed and both of us are sleeping within ten minutes of setting our heads on the pillow. Maybe it's because we are tired, or maybe it's because our addiction to Curb Your Enthusiasm is having more of an impact than we expected, after all, he is retired. 

I want to be retired today. Mostly because I have to pack and run approximately 500 errands for our trip down south to a gorgeous acidic chemical plant. We are leaving tomorrow in a "that there's an RV" to start work on Saturday working 24 hours a day for ten days. I will be sneaking between a hotel room and the rv to be with Ronald when he has to work nights, I want to pretend I'm a secret agent and spray some evil looking person with spent acid but that is very immature. I need to use this time to write and relax. It's hard to use this as a vacation when I know Ron is going to be working his booty off amidst mud, greasy ladders, and other depressing sundries. 

In other news, Isabelle has been refusing to wake up in the morning because she is way behind on her beauty sleep. She takes up 1/3 of the bed every night, leaving me sandwiched between her and Ron with no room to move. She has quite a long mustache at the moment which makes her look very regal, if you forget she is a girl, and we took her to the vet and found out she has cooties...hehehe

morning muddle mess

After being together for nine days straight, he is gone. Teaching a class to postal workers deep in the sick veins of Oakland.  Life has sort of stopped, or gone on with me still left on the barge formulating my excuse for not coming along. All I do now is sleep and sigh about how I can't do anything, because that is all I can do. Words can never explain the pining philosophy we hold onto when we realize our insides are slowly dying, and have been for years.  But he is good, and we are still together and fighting. These little ruminations are what I have to hold onto. 

I got the strangest birthday present of my life, a real landmark, a black sweater that is Ron's size with tassels and mohair and gold buttons. Somehow, someone saw that and thought of me. I see it and think of Ron pretending he is Stevie Nick's. 

Isabelle has a new game--getting her head stuck in a little blue cup and running around until she goes into a panic from not being able to see. She is also better than ever at having accidents in the house.

Yesterday we went to Michael's to spend a $50 giftcard I got for my birthday. I bought paintbrushes, gesso, and some scrapbook things only to find out that the one bag of goodies cost $90! Lesson learned: next time calculate by price, not the amount of items in your basket. 

Sweetest

I cut my hair and love it. Confession: this is how I look at 7 in the morning after having five hours of sleep so don't judge the mascara/raccoon eyes or I will have to assassinate you.

Ron skipped his cereal this morning just so I could have the last of the milk. Even when he has to work on Saturday for fifteen hours he thinks first of his little wife who will be home all day having a weekend. That is something I never asked for because I didn't think it was possible, now it's all I can ask for. The most encompassing all I've ever had.

I woke at three in the morning and grabbed my darling legal pad where I wrote a whole page of things that make little sense right now. This whole thing is really weird, I may be the most productive thoughtful sick person on earth. Not thoughtful in a sweet way, thoughtful in the lot's of thoughts way. They race by me, ideas of us moving, I started job hunting online at 6 am. I don't know how to describe it, I think faster than I can think and process, I am jittery, my heart races but there is no happiness, no orgasmic euphoria like webmd says there can be. Damn, I miss out on even the perks of an illness. Back to another pill to settle me down enough so I can function like a human rather than a robot in a marathon. I can't stop. That's the main thing, not even for sleep, not even when I'm exhausted beyond words. I am the non-stop, I don't need to eat even, I just have to keep doing, doing anything, just moving to stop the beating in my head of thoughts like a clanging bell. And this is called a "manic episode" and yet I feel remarkably normal. That word alone "manic" means rubber rooms just because of all the movies I've seen. Now to getting up and vacuuming for I think the third time this week because I have to do something to expel this restless spasmodic energy. Oh Lord, to the dream of feeling better. 

 

"Every time you're leaving I don't know what to say"

The world is cold flutter-trembling like a dance under the sheets, but this is just a storm. A rounded mass of white I watch in the weather reports, curling into town like an invisible wandering hand. Curious like all of us wondering how things feel and taste. 

I have been diagnosed, over the phone because I was a little too smart for my own good and did my own soul-searching mathematics. I figured it out and asked my Doctor if he has too, and yes, he has but he was waiting until I had some more sleep to break the news. Well, I know now and I don't know how to react. There is no reaction, because it has been there anyway, like a nameless black shape, but still this does something to me. It changes me, how I see myself. Maybe it shouldn't, maybe it should, but I am here in this pink old skinned soul and dealing with it. There is no formula of how one is supposed to respond to illness, if there was it would be a lot easier. All I know is, I'm here, I'm sick, I'm dealing with it and going to get better, but now I'm horribly shocked and sad about it.  There is something everyone says about boot straps, but the only people I have seen say that are the onlookers.

Now onto the storm cloud hole punched day. I'm getting my haircut short short and am nervous but excited, but nervous about it. I go back and back and forth. I wish for Ron, he has already worked sixty hours this week and I miss his sweet face and words horribly. I decorated the apartment with little vintage hearts for Valentine's but without my valentine it's pretty but worthless, like so many empty bottles. 

tingle

All I can say is I slept last night. I'm still in bed rubbing my eyes and thinking, thinking, wrapped in our wine colored blanket. I'm crashing from being off the saviour medicine. I have to start over with basically everything. Even my sleeping pills don't work, I only slept last night because I had been up since 5:30 the day before. Somehow this turns into a sick story blog, like I have cancer. But it's there, in the corners, haunting like an etch-a-sketch. I will be patient because I have to be patient. I will start from square one because I have to start from square one, there is no other option, I live and seep amongst all this like a dirty fish tank. 

But to move today. I have a new painting of the beach and hate it because it isn't like the one in the lesson, but like it because I made it, I'm in a seashell conundrum about it. But now I have two paintings and now to set up my art room for my birthday, fingers crossed for money. Today to move around a bit and rescue my poor car that is far away from me with the keys stuck in it's belly button, poor car, now named George. Tragedy brings us together even when he rumble tumbles with noise and tired muscles each time I drive him, and he smells like smoke, and is always generally moody.

He is my heart felt and taking me to Vegas for my day. Not my car, my Ron. We read together every night and live amidst a survival tunnel, but it works and he is my sweet wonderful, and reason.

"when you feel so tired but you can't sleep"

I've been up since seven and then up since four and et cetera, et cetera, I can't sleep. Isabelle is laying on Ron's bed pillow half under the covers thinking she looks like him when she does this, but I know all her tricks. She snores quietly thinking she is a wonderful actor.

I have been having all the songs from Sweeney Todd in my head this week. We went and saw it by ourselves late but we ended up falling asleep and each missing little bits, then to go with Josh and Shawna on Monday and it was so much better the second time. The music and colors and blood are awesome, I can't wait to get the soundtrack and Ron and I keep talking about all the interesting nuances of the story.

My Journals of Sylvia Plath; my sacred, sweet book that I am on my third or fourth time reading has broke in half today. Perhaps it's a sign from the Lord, the tearing of the life-shattered royal curtain. Oh the destruction of my apartment kingdom. Regardless I have to buy another soon, reading half a book doesn't work so well as I tried that all last year. Putting half-read books back on the shelf because I took too much time between reading is damn depressing, partly because I know I will rarely go back and start it over which promises that the story is over. The girl in Daniel Deronda is forever in her river-soaked dress in the living room drinking tea, The Brother's Karamazov are still in there own philosophical gospel and I will never know what happens. The books are locked and frozen shut. 

And now to today. To my second day of no more soul-stitching feel better medicine. I had a reaction and am still slurring my speech a bit and having my teeth chatter quickly and uncontrollably. The sad thing is that was the first medicine I have responded to in six months of being on medication (with every two weeks changing the dose or the medicine itself), that is a lot of drugs but now that I have had this reaction I can't try anymore of this class of medication because I will have the same reaction to all of them. So now the search continues. 

newlywed

I have decided to chop all my hair off like this picture. I need a change from these eel-black twists and purges of long hair. When I look in the mirror I see the soul sunk girl I have been and I want to see something different, not remember the horror of all the things I've done, thought of, in my worst heart pierced moments, but instead see something hopeful and slightly forgetful of this recent past. A pure slate of a Catherine, with little short simple hair so all I have to do is put on bright pink lipstick, or red and some pearl earrings and be free and easy new and content. Hopefully I will get it cut this week and find some money in a mailbox to pay for it...

I'm here in my pajamas with the morning mist sparkle hardly escaping the moss covered clouds. Isabelle is sleeping beside me, very exhausted from her supposed night shift of work (which if this happens, she has yet to receive a pay check).  She is always so determined, serious, even in things as simple as sleeping-- she sighs constantly as if it requires much focus and effort. Of course it does, she is a puppy damn it and that is hard and she has a green bow in her hair which she thinks is just awful.

Jittery lumberjack

It's one thing to call your doctor and answer his question by saying: "It's not that I have to keep moving my legs, I can sit down." It's another thing to do this in Wal-Mart. I felt horrible, like I finally fit in with the overweight grey hairy moled, spandex and polyester clad poor boy groupie women while I stood in the pillow isle trying to answer the awkward questions. But I'm home now and my dreamed up, hammered out idea of coolness is returning, slowly.

Tonight Ron and I are going to have a communion dinner. This will consist of club sandwiches on sourdough bread, soda, beer, and candles on the coffee table. Music and Ron and I talking about life and Jeezer. I'm looking forward to it, we are a little simple and unrefined about it, but I think that is the way it should be, because that's real. That's really who we are. Simple unrefined club sandwich kids...sweet.

incantation

It's morning again, again. Mornings tromp by when I have trouble sleeping, I've finally gotten there with puffy grey bags under my eyes. But today I will be off to painting with my most creative Lori. I am not such a realist about it but abstract and easy and that's fine with me for now. It's more a study in color and crooked lines, but from far away I am surprised because it starts to look like something: a tree, a face, a doppelganger. 

Darling, you're lucky

My face is swollen and bruising from passing out last night. Sadly, I can't say it was from alcohol...At least if I have to pass out I'd want it to be blamed on something fun gone wrong. Instead I have to say it was from medicine and bad mexican food.

The New Hampshire primaries are tonight and I'm horribly curious. I predict Obama and John McCain will take it down this round. I guess I believe the polls this time around. I think Hillary winning tonight is a long shot and who else is there on the Democratic side that matters, Edwards only matters as an abstract phantom candidate to a few people...maybe he could be a running mate (sorry buddy). 

Ron and I are trying to get more informed for this election. He is actually reading their foreign policy statements. You really have to sneak around all the smooth-furry talk to get to what they supposedly really think about things. I want to pull out their records and see what they have done. 

It's morning but I am going to say goodnight for no real reason other than I want to.

Goodnight. 

Jelly

Goodmorning you me and the in between. I'm awake again and still in my skin and next to my soul like a shy stranger. Sleep was again full of awkward creep-flash dreams and interrupted at four a.m. for no reason in particular other than that even sleeping can be difficult at times like tackling an albatross. My dear albatross, how I love you. Oh the tongue in the cheek. 

The last two days have been (I hate to say it) miraculous. But that is the only word to explain how relieving it is to have a few days reprieve from the evil incandescent and invisible monster, my monster- depression. After nine months a day or two is a miracle. We've gone on a date, finished reading a book together, I have been cooking again (haven't done that in a year), and I set up the dining room as a writing space.  Maybe it's all because of the catholic candles on the coffee table with the manufactured prayer on the sticker, it's easier to reason the change to anything other than Viagra shaped pills.

Isabelle is the black dolly puppy and very busy today. Focusing on things like finding the best toys from the bedroom and bringing them out to the living room including a santa hat that is somehow still out and a pair of my panties, she acts serious and silly, all floppy-mop topped. So easy difficult to be a dog. 

Now to the day that is so sharp and pungent like a flower so far. Hopefully it stays this way...