"Where's dad?"

When I say "where's dad?" with a quick cunning voice the girls immediately rush to the window in search of him. They look this way and that and if he is not there they settle back down. If he is home, they run to the door and wait anxiously for him to unlock the door and come in. They love him ever so much.

Red

park

I miss the park. I used to go a lot years ago. I would bring a blanket, books, my journal and a cold drink. Set it all out in my favorite spot, in the middle of an area that was sunk in that I liked to call the "cereal bowl". I would read and soak in the sun and feel comfortable and at home among the trees and green.

Goodies from the backyard

button

I won this vintage cigar box full of buttons on Ebay a few weeks ago. It finally arrived in the mail last week. I love it. The buttons span from the 1940s to the 1970s. I'm excited to make things with them. T-shirts with buttons, canvases with buttons in cute designs, button mobiles, scrapbook pages. Did I tell you I love buttons? Well, I do.

Camille

Amelia's new nickname: Camille

Amelia's new game: Running outside through the garage and then instantly wanting to come in through the dining rooms sliding glass door. Her very secret exciting route of entry. The only way to stop her is to leave her outside for half the morning. Something she enjoys especially when she is with the fluffy-barky Isabelle.

Ring

Here is my cutest little vintage ring. I absolutely adore it. It is so tiny I can hardly feel it on my finger, yet so detailed and interesting to look at. I couldn't get a good picture of it as it is so small, so this was the best I could do.

Girl With a Pearl Earring

Last night I finished reading Girl With a Pearl Earring. It took me less than a week to read. It was a weird book, I couldn't put it down because I was waiting for the plot to thicken. It always seemed on the verge of getting brilliant and exciting but it never got there. I was surprised this book was so well praised and that a movie was made about it.

Now onto Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Wolf. I love Virginia and have a feeling she won't let me down.

Rest

Organize

Our house is so not organized. Poor house, he feels cluttered and rather lonesome. Once I feel a little better I am going to be an organizing machine and get the house in order. I love organizing in general. The finished product is so nice.

My blog is going through some changes. It will now be less about me and more about other things. There are a few reasons why but I won't get into them here. I'm a little sad about it but I think I'll adjust.

Wedding ring

Ron just ordered me a new wedding ring from Etsy. This is just an in-between ring as my actual wedding ring isn't fitting at the moment and I don't want to get it resized until the Summer is over. This is from the fifties and I think it is oh so cute. I love the intricate details and how it has a cute little diamond in the center. The sides are yellow gold and the top of the ring is white gold which is awesome. It was a real steal of a deal and I can't wait to get it in the mail this week!

snapshots (little pictures from around the house)

The jar of jewelry Shannon bought me on her thrift adventure.

Flowers on our bar.

Our mortgage payment.

Amelia's food dish.

Goodies in our office.

Our Summer bed.

assesment

Last week my doctor raised my Lamictal to 150 mg. He keeps telling me that things will magically improve once I get to 200 mg and now I'm starting to believe him. I still feel as blue as a plate, but I have been able to do the dishes, I find pleasure in little things, and I can make the bed. These are big steps. I still don't have the energy to do the laundry or smile regularly but today I imagine it will come.

I'm extremely depressed though. I don't see the point to life, in fact I hate living, but I have no other option but to continue. When everything hurts so bad it is hard to keep going. My mantra is "keep moving forward" and I have been reminding myself of that constantly. Things feel blank yet muddled. I feel like I am standing in a white room full of people and screaming as loud as I can but no one hears me. I ache and ache with it. I feel nauseas all the time. I think it is self induced as I constantly imagine and long to wretch out my insides and cut out this disease. I know its a matter of synapse and seretonin, but I wish it were simpler.

I do find comfort in simple things like the way it feels when I start to fall asleep; that restful I can feel my heart beat feeling, getting slightly lost in a book, going window shopping when I can get myself out the door, and making the bed with our soft white fluffy blanket. I have also been loving little things like my pillow, all my books, the dogs sleeping next to me, the feeling of his skin, and the smell of the lotion I put on before bed.

I can't wait to get cooking again, creating again, feeling excited about something (anything) again. I used to cook and listen to sultry old music and drink wine while waiting for him to come home, I miss that. I miss feeling ok/stable and like I won't do something rash. I miss feeling comfortable in my own skin. I miss laughing (really laughing). I miss feeling like Catherine.

I fake things a lot because I think I have to. I fake in emails, in relationships, in social situations. I smile even if I'm thinking the worst thought because I see everyone else smiling, I laugh when they laugh. I ask questions because they asked the question. I hide things, hide that I am in the cave, hide that I am chained and being beaten by my demon. I think I am good at hiding and I hate that but at the same time need it, otherwise I wouldn't stop crying.

I'm glad I have this place, this soft safe place to tell the truth.

bookie

Yesterday I saw my doctor and he is putting me on some new medication that should give me an increase in energy. I had to get a blood test before I started taking it and it was rotten as my poor veins are so little and hard to find. The new medicine should take 1 to 3 weeks to kick in so we will see how it goes. I have to take it in the morning on an empty stomach so now all this elaborate planning as to the exact time I will take it and then when I will have breakfast and my other meds. I feel like I take medication around the clock, but really it is only three times a day.

I am hoping I will feel moderate soon, or wonderful. I will take wonderful.

In other news, I have been reading sweet sultry books in the evenings before bed. This time A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway describing his life in Paris in the 1920s, so rich and simple and good. It helps to read and get lost in a story when it feels like everything around you is falling apart.

worm

I love books. I love books so much I had to set them on our dining room table. It reminds me of the Alfred Hitchcock movie Rope, where the two main characters kill a man and after, they invite his father over for a dinner party and to look at books that they have set out on the dining room table, all while the sons body is laying in a trunk in the room. Creepy and excellent at the same time. Anyway, there are books on our dining room table but luckily no bodies.

As usual, I'm not feeling good this morning. I am meeting with my doctor today and I'm going to talk to him about how I don't think my medicine is working. I feel just as bad as before I was taking medication. I hope he will understand and that we will make some changes. He is pretty cautious about doing any abrupt changes so we will see what happens. Most of the time I am glad he is cautious, right now though I hope he can understand how bad it is.

gone to pot

As I have said before, I'm struggling a lot with my creativity these days. There are a lot of reasons. The biggest being that most of the time I don't have the energy to do things perfectly, which makes problems for me as I sew and then I get irritated and give up. Since I've been sick irritability has been at my doorstep, something I usually don't struggle with. Its to say the least, irritating.

Yesterday I worked on two black apple dolls and this is about as far as I got. After lots of seam ripping I realized that I cut the legs out in the same direction which means that some of the fabric was going to be inside out after I sewed. After a while I realized that making dolls is too intricate of a task for me at the moment. Once again, something I can't do right now. I feel like I'm being stripped of all the good things in my life.

Accept

Last night Ron and I were talking about how I need to come to grips with where I am right now. I'm in a dark place, a place where I can only focus on surviving. I am immersed in my struggles because they take up all my energy. I was talking about how when I am doing well I can immerse myself in other things than only my hard time, but now isn't one of those times. Now its a fight to get through the days unscathed and level headed and I need to accept that. I need to be ok with that.

Maybe I can't craft as much as I like to, I can't start working on my Etsy store dream, I can't write like I used to, I can't go out as often as I would like to, I can't keep the house as clean as I would like, I can't cook as much as I want to. But I am surviving right now, and in survival mode you have to let everything go and have your only focus be providing for your immediate needs.

So in that light here is my new life plan:

Get out of bed every morning
Eat lots of fruit and vegetables
Journal when I can
Craft when I have the energy
Keep the house somewhat livable and ask Ron for help
Read as often as I can
Watch movies
Keep my chin up
Continue blogging
Take care of myself physically (shower, paint nails, put on perfume, brush hair)
Ask for what I want
Pay the bills
Take care of the dogs
Go to the grocery store for flowers and produce once a week

I hate living like this. It makes me feel like such a failure. But really I need to remember that I am in a battle for my life and I need to let everything go and focus on fighting as hard as I can.

This is life simplified to the lowest common denominator. Maybe I will learn something. Maybe I will let go. Wish me luck.

Vintage kitchen

Here are some pictures of our cute vintage kitchen. It is tiny and reminds me of something you would find in a dollhouse and it is one of my favorite parts of the house. I never thought I would love faded orange countertops next to old dark brown cabinets. Its tiny and intimate and ours. One day we will remodel and I am looking forward to having more space, but I have to say I will miss this quirky little kitchen.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 1:30 shopping on Ebay for beads and fabric. I didn't buy anything, but I'm watching a zillion items. Then I tossed and turned the rest of the night unhappy and reticent. So now to a dark blue morning. I feel shaded, sunk, collapsed.

"The bleeding hearts nailed to the side"

I have been searching for my Bible for a long time now. It is a thin burgundy leather, all broke in and cozy to use. Pressed in it are flowers from our wedding and all the comforting Psalms and most of Job are highlighted. I found it last night after saying a brief prayer about it. I haven't read the Bible in about two years. I'm so tired and downtrodden in regards to God, but I'm going to try again. Right now I really need some comfort and I hope reading the Bible will help. Even if I don't know whether I believe in God, the thoughts and ideas are expressive, poetic and have the ability to comfort.

I'm feeling ok this morning. Hoping the one and a half pills at bedtime are working. Today I am having lunch with Shannon and then crafting. I have cut out the patterns for two dolls, one white with blond hair and one yellow with purple hair.

So many birds are chirping outside. Mostly Blue Jays and a few little brown stout ones. The brown ones are so cute and hoppy, I want to name them cute names like Elizabeth and Henry.

"I consider the days of old, the years long ago"

Life seems better in retrospect. I think back on when Ron and I first got together and in retrospect things appear so perfect. Then I remember the parents rules, the long drive to see each other, lonely nights without him, my constant crying, trying to figure out how we could be together. I remember the first time I told him we should get married in September. We had only been together for seven months and engaged for two. I can still see him standing by the stove in his parents kitchen helping me cook pasta (my first dinner for him) as I brought up the idea. He responded with interest but warily and we spent the evening sitting in the backyard planning our future together. Marriage in September was one of the best ideas I've ever had.

In retrospect, even last year looks better than right now. Last year I was more active, smaller, busy house hunting. This year we live in a dilapidated doll house (which I heart greatly), I feel like a whale, and have no energy whatsoever. Then I remember last years struggles; the thoughts beckoning me, Ron staying home with me all the time because I couldn't trust myself, the absolute haunting and curse that began.

I am still haunted, cursed, every horrible sad word, but I'm stronger now, more ready to face it. I have checks and balances in my head to keep me from falling off the edge. I keep the doors and windows in my mind closed up tight, the curtains drawn, trying to hide from my demon. He still finds his way in...

"I don't dance anymore, think I'd like to I've lost touch."

I'm down this morning. I woke up thinking "I hate Tuesdays" and can't get the thought out of my head. I'm so tired of having the blues and being so exhausted.

I'm meeting with Dr. K today and we need to have a serious talk about what is going on with me. I don't think the Lamictal is working and I think we need to try something else. Its scary to switch medications because of all the side effects. The side effect I am most worried about is weight gain as I have already gained so much weight being on Abilify. Oh well, I need to remember that my feeling good is more important than the number on the scale but that can be hard when you live in a skinny-mini town in California.

Its hard to be struggling so much. I have one or two moderate days where I can smile and laugh and have a little fun followed by a mass of bad days where getting out of bed is difficult. The little things of being sick drive me crazy like the house is a mess, I don't cook dinner, I don't get out of the house. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel that I can't. My body and mind and soul scream that I can't.

But he, Ronald, is sweet and understanding. He works for us, comes home and cleans, takes Tuesdays off to take me to my appointments, doesn't care what size I am, spoils me with the things I need to be creative, loves me in spite of myself. I'm so thankful to have him in my life

Poor Amelia

This one is going to the vet today as we suspect she has a urinary tract infection. Poor girl. We need to give her some cranberry juice.

This weekend was pretty good. Saturday I spent the day with Melanie. Sunday we relaxed and went to Walnut Creek to walk around and see The Orphan. That afternoon I did some sewing on my new machine. It is so quiet and nice, I am thoroughly impressed. I made some dog toys just to practice with all the functions.

I'm feeling a little blue today for a few reasons. Its Monday so that doesn't help. I'm still adjusting from the doctor lowering my Cymbalta. I'm feeling pretty good with it overall though. We'll see what happens.

crafting and the lost boy

Its morning and I haven't had breakfast yet because I'm too tired to get up. Of course I always have energy to blog...

I cried a lot last night and am feeling rather weepy and down this morning. But I'm going to craft regardless. I think I'm going to work on making a doll. I want to start working on my eggshell doll, but I don't know if I feel creative enough to design it, cut out a pattern etc... So perhaps a black apple doll.

My new sewing machine arrived yesterday. It is so fancy and I am very excited about it. The stitch diagram looks like some alien language. Its all a little confusing but I'm hoping I can figure it out.

In other news, we lost our dear kitty Oliver last night. We didn't really know he was gone until around midnight when we didn't hear his little meow and pitter-patter throughout the house. We searched all his hiding places and he was no where to be found. Then we started to search the backyard and heard some faint meowing only to find him in the front yard walking up to the doorstep. This was a little scary as we love the little guy and it reminded us of the first time he went missing as a kitten. So glad to have the Boocheesey back!

issues

I'm going to force myself to do things in spite of my desire to stay on the couch to cry and sigh the day away. It will be hard but I think I can do it. The house is a wreck and I have to go to Kaiser to pick up my medications at the pharmacy.

My new sewing machine should arrive on my doorstep today. I have been questioning my creativity lately. I can't imagine selling things on Etsy. I can't imagine making anything anyone would want to buy. I can't imagine making anything that I am satisfied with. Ron says I haven't really tapped into my creativity, I wonder if I have anything to tap into.

I feel like I'm running out of parts of myself. Running out of patience, creativity, grace, peace, gentleness. I hold the rungs tightly but I am starting to fall. I slip slowly and my hands burn and pinch and hurt. Sometimes the slipping is the hardest part.

But for now, just get out of bed, have some breakfast and move forward.