Pink Christmas

I'm sitting on the couch listening to Ron play End War. Yesterday we bought a cute little 4.5 ft Christmas tree. It is all dolled up in plastic ornaments so we can move it easily. Its weird that Christmas is here, its weird that we're moving, its weird that I'm feeling good.

We still don't know when we will be moving exactly. We do have until the 20th to be in our apartment but we should get the house before then. We drove by it today and there is actual grass in the yard because of the rain. It looked green, happy and expectant for us to fix it up. I'm really excited.

Now to hot toddies and bed.

Thanksgiven

Well the day is ending and I'm at my computer thinking about what this holiday means. We spent the day at Shannon and Kevin's and it was fun. I am a little sick though, so that was a little damper on the day. Overall it was a good one. Two good days in a row, I'm on a rush.

Things I'm thankful for:

Ronald

Isabelle

Our new house and the people who helped us get there

Two good days

No more shakes

Dark chocolate

My creativity

The "where you want to be in five years" book

Flowers

Autumn

Cold nights with snuggles

Whiskey

Christams trees

All the supportive friends we have

My bed

Happy Thanksgiving world

Shaken

I'm at the office with Ron listening to him in a meeting. I'm tired and just went to my appointment which was rather rotten. First, we found out that we aren't going to be moving in with Paul and Laura if we can stay in our apartment longer because I can't handle too much change right now. Secondly, I found out that I have to go on another medicine with worse side effects next week. But we'll see. I have to do what I need to do and be strong.

I'm trying to write and be extra creative these days. Anything to keep me going through the dark cracks and crevices of depressiondom. It sounds romantic but isn't.

He is wonderful by the way, taking care of me and nursing me back to health in a slow steady way. He stays home with me and helps me get through the days when I don't think I can. To being with him tonight and soon.

Christmastime is nearly here and I can't wait. We are going to Vegas for Christmas which should be awesome. But I will miss the presents under the tree, the fire in the fireplace, making our cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Funny how many traditions we can have after being together only five years.

Halliday

We are at Panera Bakery taking time out to write and rest. I'm having a bad one today. Just here in this lonesome, sultry Autumn morning. His eyes are grey today along with my mood and he sits across from me nonchalantly busy on his laptop.

Isabelle has her hair cut extremely short so she is cold and shivery all the time. It's cute as she looks like a lioness with her ears as a mane. She is already anxiously waiting for Santa Claus as she plays with her snowman and Santa squeaky toy.

I'm weak as nostradomus in my defibrillating mood. And we are moving in five days.

upside down

Everything is a mess right now. We found out our loan is only going to cover $330k of the home price so we have to put down an even bigger down payment. We also found out that we aren't closing until December 5th but we are moving out of our apartment on the 30th and we may not get the keys until the 15th of December. I don't want to live with Ron's parents for a day, let alone two weeks. I'm so overwhelmed. The apartment is a wreck with boxes and dishes everywhere.

Anyway, it's Saturday and this afternoon we are going to make a plan and work everything out. I'm just tired. Tired of being sick and already tired of moving. But things will work out soon enough, I just need to get up and get moving.

early to bed

I'm usually asleep right now, but tonight I'm not for some reason. I think it could be that my medicine was reduced by ten milligrams, which helps me feel much more awake and in reality. It turned out I was on way too much medicine and had this weird reaction where my body couldn't stay still. Now I'm starting to calm down after a month of being anxious as hell. Thank god.

We are moving in ten days. Today we packed some of the kitchen. I'm excited for a beautiful Christmas in our new house. Then we went to Starbucks and enjoyed the Autumn day. Tonight we watched Alien vs Predator 2 and just made fun of it and we also gave Isabelle a haircut (a horrible idea) now she looks like a homeless dog and we have to take her into the groomer to get shaved so she can look partly normal. Poor girl.

normal

Last night we went to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra with Paul and Laura. It's our new tradition, bummer it's so cheesy. These silly "introspective" bottom dwellers telling us to love each other for Christmas. The narration is horrible and so unoriginal. But it's fun to watch P & L enjoy themselves. They think they are so rock and roll and it's very cute. I'm so excited for Christmas at our new house.

Life is getting back to normal. The turnaround is over, and things are settling out. I'm starting to come down and relax from holding myself together for a month. I am so antsy to have time with him tonight, my most interesting one. I want to pack everything up and move tomorrow, I'm so anxious-happy about the house.

Things really are coming together for us. In a lot of ways I am feeling better and stronger although depression still lurks in the corners and sinews. We got a dream doll house, things with the parents are over with, Christmas is coming, our love is growing. It seems today there is a God.

Isabelle is very sleepy. She woke me up just so she could go back to sleep in the living room. At three this morning I woke up to find her sitting next to me and watching me sleep and crying. What a cute girl who needs her mother so horribly.

homeless

So we got the loan, officially. This is such a relief and we are so excited. It's also the last day of the turnaround. How perfect, things are coming together.

I am feeling ok today. A little down but I can manage. Today I'm going to go grocery shopping and then to the mall with Melanie. It should be ok.

I just can't wait for today to be over. There are so many exciting things coming up but this turnaround just drags us down. We are so disconnected just from not having time together. But things will start getting back to normal soon and I miss him oh so much.

avarice

We should hear about our loan today, at least a preliminary decision. I rumble with anxiety over it. I'm exhausted from the waiting.

I'm getting depressed. I know I'm getting depressed when:

The apartment is messy and I don't care

I start living in bed

I'm always tired

I cry all the time

I think about cutting my arms off

I look in the mirror and only see an ugly sunken soul

My eyes are blank and expressionless

I don't laugh

I have no energy

I feel listless

I feel disconnected

I'm scared to leave the house

I'm not creative anymore

I'm trying to fight it though. I'm going to exercise in spite of it and do art in spite of it and go to lunch with Melanie. Really I just want to hide under the covers. Really this is the hardest thing. I can't handle another bout of this but I have to so wish me luck.

ugly doll

Only five days left for the turnaround. I feel like I'm in waiting. Waiting for the TA to end, waiting to hear about the loan, waiting for the time to tick by and the fog to clear outside.

Good things:

We are still alive

It's almost christmas time

We have an Isabelle

Sunday is almost here

www.uglydolls.com

But I'm tired on the inside, tired oh so much. I wish he was here to help me get through the day. This waiting is eating me alive. But I can handle it.

junkit

So our loan that was approved isn't anymore because they don't want to loan money since our home is a fixer upper. So gross! Now we have to start all over again. I just want this whole mess to be over with even if we don't get the house, I just want to know, have a final answer.

This is just the worst feeling, here we were just celebrating and now this.

bolsheviki

Its a cold, grey Russian morning. Isabelle is hunting and barking as usual. I'm tired and down, as usual and feeling disconnect uhm, as usual. Anyway. Here are some good things:

We got the house!

Isabelle won't bark so much once we move.

There are white roses on the coffee table.

It's almost Thanksgiving.

Only five more days of the turnaround.

I can do anything I want today.

I think I need to read Gifts From the Sea or something, I just feel so stuck and not myself. I don't feel creative anymore, I'm lackluster. I think I need to go back to bed and wake up on the right side. Maybe I will.

Love, me

the bells

Isabelle and I are on the couch waking up still. The countdown has begun since this is the last week of the turnaround, the last Monday, thank god. My jaw aches from stress and anxiety like someone is squeezing my poor nerves to death.

Things are going okay. We are still waiting for news on the loan but it should work out unless something insane happens. Once again, I'm still not ready to celebrate but do have a bottle of pink champagne that is waiting expectantly in the fridge. My life seems so cursed at times the idea that something good might happen is such a non-reality. But I keep my body crossed for good news.

when you're gone

It's Saturday and its just me and the dog who is in a very deep sleep. He is working, as always. I'm not used to being with him; when he comes home early (like last night) I just act awkward and fall asleep early because I feel so safe and comforted just like when we were dating. I took a nap every time we were together when we were dating because I felt so safe with him, away from my half-brutal perplexing family.

Today Shannon and I are going to Modesto to this gynormous thrift store which should be a lot of fun. We are looking for things for ebay and a few things for ourselves. I really need to find shirts so I will be on the sure-fire hunt.

He has the day off tomorrow so we can have some time to get used to each other, funny how unfamiliar you can get after being apart for about 90 hours. We are going to go to the movies and then watch Dexter together (the best show on earth). We can pretend life is simple just for a day.

mass

It's a clear cool Autumn day and the sun is shining through the window so bright it hurts my eyes. Ron is going to work late tonight again. Only ten more days to go, that seems like an eternity though. I have a bad headache and miss him 100 times 100.

We are both trying to focus on the bright side though. as the song goes "always look on the bright side of life" I hate that song. I am so negative most of the time. But here are some good things:

1. The loan documents should officially be finished on our end. Now to waiting...
2. I did some early Christmas shopping today and stayed on budget and bought good things.
3. I am drinking snapple iced tea.
4. On Saturday Shannon and I are going to the super thrift.
5. I have the cutest puffy-puff dog.
6. There are sunflowers on the coffee table.
7. He will be home tonight.

pony

It's the third glorious dull morning of the turnaround. Poor Ron dresses in layers and leaves for work at an ungodly hour. Luckily tonight he is going to get off at normal time (fingers crossed). We are going over to the kids house tonight (aka Shannon and Kevin's) which is always fun.

I feel all stitched up and upside down like a whirligig. I feel so lost when I'm alone, pointless and unnecessary. But to keep moving forward and lulling about in a determined sort of way. Things will be ok I just need to stay strong and brave like always. I'm tired of being strong and brave, I wish I had some time to fall apart. But if I fall apart alone that will mean doomsday.

The day is crisp and icy cool and calm. The sky is rich antique blue and the pine trees are so green and thick. It's gorgeous outside. Now to just let it seep into my bones so I can enjoy it.

homefront

Its the second day of the turnaround and I'm starting to get used to things. I went to my appointment today and got a lot of advice on how to be ok being alone and such. It also was explained to me why I'm like this. Basically, my parents never taught me how to self-comfort because they were so unpredictable and if they don't know how to rest they couldn't teach me how to rest. Instead they taught me how to stress out and be scared of things. So I learned to be afraid of being alone and of life itself and instead of resting when I am alone I get racing thoughts and anxiety. So the dr told me to buy some slippers and spa things and take care of myself so that is what I'm doing.

Isabelle is eating my new slippers though...she just can't help it. So I made a little fire and Ron should be home soon and I will make us a pizza and just rest with him. I can't wait to see him. This seems like the biggest thing but really it can be a good thing if I let it. To just rest and have peace.

the sea between you and me

They left yesterday thankfully. I thought I would be happy but I have a tinge of miss for my dad but hate to admit it since I still have so much anger and trepidation toward him. I'm still processing all that has happened and the more I think about it the more I feel disconnected and horrible about the whole thing. The real test is how they are when they get home and comfortable, if they will remember me then.

He is at the turnaround and I miss him so much. Today to getting through and moving forward even though I'm tired and down.

the devil in miss jones

My parents are still here. Our get togethers are awkward and uncomfortable. I am so overwhelmed with everything that is going on: the turnaround, the house, the parents; I feel sick to my stomach. I just want to sleep and cry, I'm getting thrown into a mild depression all topsy and turvy.

Ron starts the turnaround today. He only has to work until about 2:30 if things go as planned so that isn't so bad. But this week it begins. I have to focus on packing, art, resting and getting through without the restlessness, the thoughts that trail me like vultures.

The loan process for the house is really starting now, we should know by the end of the week if we got the loan. I'm cynical about the whole thing. Quite positive that just like most everything else, this too will end in failure. But to hope and laying waste to this thrill shrill anxiousness.

The parents are luckily leaving tomorrow. I have so much to process with the meeting, still so much anger and frustration toward them that being with them is nail biting. Just Shannon and I are hanging out today and that is especially scary. I will get through it and send them home tomorrow.

I just need to rest and assuage this restlessness that crinkle creeps through me constantly. I just don't feel like myself these days. I just feel like a trembling shell, an empty soul.

The good news is it has been raining for the last two days and is beautiful out. We had our first fire in the fireplace last night. If I can get myself to gently focus just a bit I can get a lot done during this time. I can do so much art, writing, packing it could be brilliant. The especially good news is I only have two days before I can see dr K and explain this constant jittering that is eating me alive and hopefully get some help.