avarice

We should hear about our loan today, at least a preliminary decision. I rumble with anxiety over it. I'm exhausted from the waiting.

I'm getting depressed. I know I'm getting depressed when:

The apartment is messy and I don't care

I start living in bed

I'm always tired

I cry all the time

I think about cutting my arms off

I look in the mirror and only see an ugly sunken soul

My eyes are blank and expressionless

I don't laugh

I have no energy

I feel listless

I feel disconnected

I'm scared to leave the house

I'm not creative anymore

I'm trying to fight it though. I'm going to exercise in spite of it and do art in spite of it and go to lunch with Melanie. Really I just want to hide under the covers. Really this is the hardest thing. I can't handle another bout of this but I have to so wish me luck.