Wish

As you know, its my birthday. I always like to look back on the past year and contemplate what happened and imagine what will happen next year.

My twenty-fourth year was once again (along with my 19, 20, 21, 22, and 23rd) one of the hardest years in my battle with depression. From January to December I was lucky to get out of bed in the morning, I was lucky to be alive, just sitting on the couch was a feat, taking care of the dog, making the bed all these things were amazing little victories.

Then in December with some changes in medication and after confronting my parents about some things from the past it all started to click. I felt creative again, robust, strong, able to be out in public. I still struggle every day with getting overwhelmed and anxious but these past two months have been the best months of my life so far. Kind of amazing to think about. And here I am crafting again, writing, with a new crazy puppy, cooking dinners, going out with friends, its really an unbelievable improvement.

My wish for this year is pretty obvious and has been my wish for the last five years: that I continue to get better so I can live a full life. I'm twenty five today, I feel so old, I feel so lucky.

My Dearest

Granny is in the hospital in a coma. Last night we pulled her off life support and are now waiting for her precious life to end. This is so tragic and shocking as we were just setting up her hospice care and getting her ready to leave the hospital.

Its a sad day of waiting, I don't quite know what to write or do with myself. I wish I had more time to say goodbye and that I kissed her cheek as she always did mine. I have so many regrets, not calling or spending enough time with her.

She has the most beautiful pink cheeks and I remember she always wanted to go to Chili's when we got together and have the lettuce wraps. When I first met her she told me a story of how she broke a man's screen door and we still say "I broke the door I did, I did". She bought me one of the bud vases I have out right now that is full of daffodils. I miss her. I can't believe this is happening. The most important thing is that she is as comfortable as possible and that we know where she is going. I don't know what else to say...

Oh! Amelia

Meet our new addition, Amelia. Named after my favorite series of books as a kid Amelia Bedelia, stories of a crazy maid who took everything a bit too literally.

She is adorable and Isabelle absolutely loves her, they have been playing non-stop all morning. Little did I know yesterday that we would be getting a puppy. But we're allowed to be rash every once in a while right?

She is sleeping next to me now and I think we made the right choice.

Love, A happy birthday girl

The black puppy

I found these puppies yesterday. Ron and I have been wanting a Lab for as long as we have been together. We took a turn and wanted a Great Dane for a few months but changed our mind once we learned they only live for eight years. We contacted the seller and found out they have 2 females and one male left. We were so excited as we could just afford one and were planning on picking one up this afternoon as they are in Stockton (about an hour away from our house).

Then it hit me: How in the hell can we get another dog right now?!? So a little too responsible me changed our minds and we are going to wait. Wait for the house to be a little more fixed up, wait for us to have some extra money to spoil it some.

So now to figuring out what I actually want for my birthday. First it was a diamond solitaire necklace, then a puppy. What's next? I don't know.

We were going to name her Amelia...sigh.

Love, a little downtrodden Catherine

I thee

Peek a boo! I'm back. We got home yesterday from Colorado after celebrating Nick's wedding to his lovely-cute-sweet-gorgeous-Holly Golightly wife Heather. They are such a perfect pair, two little peas in a pod and I'm happy for them.

It was not as hard as I expected being there. As you know I haven't talked to my brother in over a year and I have just made up with my parents after a year apart. They are still quirky as ever and I had a meltdown during the wedding but still made it through pretty smoothly.


They had the cutest wedding cake, it was carrot cake and reminded me of bunnies. I loved eating the edible pearls!

Weddings are always sweet reminders of love, they always bring out the gooshy feelings and memories of the day Ron and I were married. We slow danced and reminisced about the lovely green grass day, my green tapestry dress, the willow tree, the string quartet...five years gone by, forever to go.

Ugly words

My new ugly word: Mortgage. The time is nearing for us to make our first payment on our high whole fat happy buddha house. We ran the numbers and we will get by and that is all we need and god am I scared. Having a mortgage is just so grown up, but I feel so little.

I love the house though, things are slowly coming along. The living room is my favorite room in the house with the dark beams and shimmery grey and sheer curtains, honeyed wood floors and our comfy tan couch. We have about 60% of the wallpaper down which is wonderful. Time to start planning our next project and time to pick out paint colors. I'm looking at cool grey-greens, icy blues, chocolate browns and buttery yellows.

Clover kitty

I think this picture is so cute. Little (actually quite big) Oliver investigating some clover I picked in the back yard. He is only brave when it comes to plants and flowers, he loves to eat and attack them. In everything else he is the most scared terrified little creature, constantly hiding under the covers in the bedroom.

I feel dull, drained and rather unmotivated this morning. Its beautiful sharp and cold outside. The sky is glowing frosty blue and our tree is on fire with red leaves trying to fool us into believing its still Autumn.

Now to starting this wobegon Monday. I hate weeks, they move through the weekends too fast.

Tissue flowers and red shoes

For a few years now I have resolved to always have fresh flowers in the house. I love going to the market on Mondays to pick out new flowers to set on the coffee table. This week there was an especially good selection and I found these elegant little tissue flowers. I call them tissue flowers because they look like the tissues after I cry, all crumpled and twisted up. I put them in an old jar I found in one of the cupboards of the house that the people who lived here before us left, my little country favor.


I found the cutest velvet kitten heels. I'm going to wear them to my brothers wedding in Colorado in two weeks. I'm not looking forward to going to the wedding since my brother and I haven't spoken in over a year. But I am happy for him and now I have some Dorothy slippers to tap together and remind myself "there's no place like home".

Polka dot bikini

I caught Isabelle sunbathing in the dining room this afternoon. As you can see, she was feeling quite photogenic.

Its morning and I'm in my trusty grey sweater trying to keep track of our rumple tumbled black mess of a puppy---Isabelle. Today she has decided to bark at the myriad of birds we have in our backyard and to sniff every corner in the house searching for snails, wooly elves, and strange darkling creatures.

Here is my lovely, lovely fabric for my first patchwork quilt. I love the mixture of bold and miniature patterns and the whimsical yellow. The pink/red fabric is my favorite. I sat down to start cutting my squares yesterday and discovered I had no scissors that were sharp enough to cut the fabric well. So I was off to the market in the afternoon to buy some sharp sewing sheers. Today I have everything I need, so off to the craft room.
In other news, I'm approaching another bout of depression. I've been in a deep melancholy for a few weeks now and it seems to be getting worse. Also, since we've moved I've been really struggling with feeling safe in the house alone, something about it, perhaps old ghosts and old memories keeps me ever so lightly frightened and bewildered. But to keep moving forward creatively and to staying strong and to getting through the days as gently and free as I can.

love me lately

As you can see, I finished setting up my art room. Its cute and valentine just like I wanted. No pictures on the wall yet until I paint, maybe a pale red or chocolate brown. Yesterday I went and bought fabric for my patchwork quilt, I will post pictures of that tomorrow.

I'm trying to live more creatively but I'm torn because I want to work on the house. There is so much to do; unpacking, cleaning, taking down wallpaper, decorating. Ron has been so great putting together all the furniture we bought at Ikea--my perfect handyman.

Ikea adventure

On Sunday we went to Ikea to spend some serious dough. Here is a glimpse of what we got.


A dreamy Breakfast at Tiffany's pink bookshelf for my art room

Two glowy globe lights for our nightstands

A shag rug for in front of the fireplace that Isabelle has adopted as her new bed

A serious crafters table


New Knobs for the kitchen cabinets. Amazing what a little change can do!

Today I'm off to an appointment and then after that fixing up my art room, it is nearly done so I will post pictures soon. And then to create, create, create. My patchwork quilt will be my next big project.

daffodil

Today I took pictures of the daffodils on my coffee table. I took them in between tearing down two ugly layers of wallpaper in our entry hall. It still isn't done, but after five hours of working at it, I called it a day.
I am going to start trying to live more simply and creatively. To see every moment as something to enjoy gracefully and sincerely. To notice the beauty and art in little things and how that makes me breathe a little slower, take a little longer. Let me heart skip a beat over daffodils, over his eyes, over the green frosted mornings.


Some good news today. Our deposit is coming back from our apartment and is more than we expected so I can get my dream list of things at Ikea tomorrow. I will take pictures and post my adventure for you on Monday.

All out of love

Its a stay at home day. I'm just in my pajamas relaxing and doing little projects around the house. I cleaned the living room floor and have also been tearing pages out of my old magazines--my own way of recycling. Now I'm settling down for a nap. I haven't had a relaxed day like this in months a while so its nice.

I'm getting excited about my art room. Hopefully I can get the things I need so I can start setting it up this weekend. I miss having my own space and all my supplies out for when I need them. I haven't done anything crafty for a few months so its time to get everything out of the boxes and start doing things again. I want to set up my sewing machine and make a quick robin egg blue, pale yellow, green and white patchwork quilt with little buttons on the edges, now just to get fabric and backing and start on it. I also want to start embellishing gloves, vintage purses and making artsy jewelry to sell on Etsy.com (check us out, search for seller SloeGinBetty).

Tomorrow we finally get an oven and dishwasher in the house. I can't wait to bake cookies and not have dry hands from washing dishes. Our little melon countered kitchen will be so happy and chic with new appliances. We are also going to start painting. The entryway is first, we just need to finish taking down the wallpaper and get the paint (a pale blue-green charcoal color) and start in.

avenger

My resolutions:

Write 1500 words a day
Meditate once a week
Get in shape
Do yoga
Fix up our house
Read more
Start selling some sort of art by the end of the year

I'm not sure when I am going to start on these. I am delaying the new year since there is so much to do with the move and since I'm exhausted from all the recent changes. It will take a while for me to adjust and want to get back into a semblance of normal life.

I think we might be getting a dishwasher this weekend. Kitchen appliances can become terribly exciting when my hands are cracked from doing dishes the old fashioned way.