Weeds

Here are some weeds from our hay and weed filled backyard. They are strange, prickly, and enormous. Some, like the one below, is growing through the leaves of a tree and is as tall as me. I like taking pictures of ugly things and trying to find something beautiful or interesting about them.

Today is therapy. Ron usually takes me, but he has to work so I'm on my own. I'm already running late as I should be in the shower right now, but don't really care. I feel old and rotten, overused like so much rubbish.

Good things:

Ronald
Amelia and tennis balls
Pajamas
Yoga Journal
Apple juice

Bad things:

Feeling worthless
My wedding ring doesn't fit during the Summer because my finger swells
Cramps
Being alone
Hiccups

Breakfast

My orange juice and powder blue coffee mug looked so pretty in the sun this morning. Its nice to be home and having a slow morning. I woke up when Ron left for work (6 am) and am hoping to have a productive day.

This picture is a little blurry but I love Amelia's silly morning face. Paul taught her to play fetch while we were gone. She will bring a toy back and if you say "thank you" she will give it to you. So cute!

Isabelle didn't learn any new tricks but does have a sleepy face this morning.

I'm feeling pretty good this morning. Last night I dreamt our house was falling apart, happy to wake up and realize there are only two holes in the floor rather than hundreds. I love our little bungalow.

The end of an era

We are at the airport with time to kill before our flight. I don't like saying things like "kill" when we are about to go on an airplane, but I just did. As you can see, I am very scared of flying. I already have one Klonopin in me (my pill that gives me the bravery to fly) and may need to take another one before we leave. This morning I was lying in bed with my heart pounding nearly out of my skin imagining our fateful deaths that felt imminent. Silly me.

We have had a great trip. Last night we went to dinner with jk3a (aka Jared) wiltontilt (aka aaron) and there wives and a few others. It was a lot of fun. Jared and Aaron are both professional poker players and Jared is Ron's poker coach. They are all really down to earth, laid back and cool. The buffet we went to is famous for its spicy crab legs and shrimp. Since I hate seafood with a passion I had turkey and mashed potatoes. I wish I took a picture of all the shrimp and crab that was on the table! All the guys had two to three heaping plates of the stuff, it was crazy. Sadly, the shrimp, or scrimp as Ron calls it, didn't settle too well in his belly so he has some eaters remorse.

Jesus was hanging from the ceiling in the Rio! I think it is supposed to be a lady, but her veil looks like a beard and as we know, Jesus is a party-er. He was right in the middle of the dancing ladies and slutty songs of sin city Vegas. I wonder what he was thinking, but love him nonetheless.

I'm excited to be coming home. It was nice to relax and hang out, but I am ready to get back to life- our little house and the puppies. I missed them terribly. Aaron and his wife Missy have the cutest puppy named Dexter. He is a King Charles Cavilier Spaniel, 5 months old and so friendly. We did a lot of snuggling. I wish he could meet Amelia, Isabelle and Winnie as I'm sure they would be fast friends.

xox

"When I was drinking when I was with you"

Its our last full day here in Vegas. So far it has been fun and relaxing. We are losing at poker but still have the whole day to hopefully turn that around.

Last night Ron took me to see the Phantom of the Opera. We have seen it here at least three times but it is such a great show we wanted to see it again. Then we went to the Grand Luxe Cafe for a late dinner. And to top it all off we had milkshakes from room service for dessert. We had a thoroughly good time.

Good things:
Ronald
We get to see the puppies tomorrow
Booze
Naps
My medication can now be covered through my insurance instead of paying out of pocket, a savings of $1000 a month.

Bad things:
Someone scraped up our rental car
We are losing
Our room has a turquoise headboard
Fanny packs

Oh

We are in our hotel room waiting for room service to bring our breakfast. We stayed out until midnight last night so we were very tired as we are like old people and usually go to bed around ten.

Yesterday was fun. We got an ugly red rental car and got lost quite a bit on the way to the hotel and to Jared’s house (Ron’s poker coach). We ate some yummy food at Noodle Asia at the Venetian and I played a little poker before watching Ron play a wild game of Pot Limit Omaha with a bunch of friends and professional poker players. It was rather intimidating as they pulled out thick wads of hundred dollar bills. Ron lost, but it was still a fun experience.

I’m feeling pretty good. Just trying to relax and have fun with my honey. Wish us luck today as I assume we are going to be playing a lot of poker…

air

I am writing this in the airplane. All I see our blue seats, the wing, murky desert hills and sky. I take my free flowing klonopin, the only drug that can get me to actually go on a plane and feel calm, collected and Catherine. I have a routine, once we get to the airport, through security and checking our bags, I go to the nearest shop and buy a coke and some m&ms (my airliner comfort). We try to sit in the exit row as I get claustrophobic easily and the extra room helps. Not this time though as the exit rows were full. Second best is a seat in the back and hoping someone doesn’t sit next to us, not so lucky this time. Then I eat my candy and read a magazine until we take off. Once we take off, I rest, I write. I always tend to think deeply on the airplane so it’s a good time to get my thoughts out. The klonopin helps as it slows down racing thoughts and anxiety and helps me think straight.

I painted my nails dark red and am ready for the day. Tonight we are meeting some of Ron’s friends to play a poker game. It should be fun but I am a little nervous about meeting new people. I am really shy and I hope that doesn’t come across as me being rude or uncaring.

I am trying to break some of my bad habits, one of them being to stop finishing people’s sentences. I hate when I do that, and I do it every time someone fumbles over their words. It’s a sign of not actively listening, my mind races and guesses what they will say next. I am trying to do better.

Wish me luck in more ways than one.

xox

Seashells

Here is the Mary I am thinking of getting on my forearm. I think she is quite beautiful and introspective.

Today I have therapy. My medication will be raised which could be good/bad/good. Good because it may help me feel better, bad because it adds another pill to my repertoire.

I have our packing list all ready for Vegas. I have a love-hate relationship with packing. Actually more of a hate relationship with packing. But soon we will be off to a good time in the city of sin.

Losing streak

On Wednesday we are leaving for a five day trip to Las Vegas. We are meeting some of Ron's friends there. They are all professional poker players so I am rather intimidated because I am so rusty at playing poker. But it should be really fun. I'm excited to relax and have maid service and be with my honey.

We are going to spend our winnings (if we win) on tattoos. I am debating whether I want to get my Mother Mary or the Gibson Girl. I am going to get both eventually but am not sure the order in which I want to get them. I am so ready for some more tattoos and hope beyond hope that we win.

Missing!

One yellow puffer fish! This was one of Isabelle's first toys and it has gone missing. She loves to suck on it and fall asleep doing a little paw dance. We like to call this habit of hers "puffing" since, after all, he is a puffer fish. If you spot him in the ice cream shop or Neiman Marcus please promptly return him to this lonely little puppy.

I am in the office with Ron since he is alone here and I was having a rotten morning. Last night we went to the Bridge (a Bible study) and I realized that I have to either decide to believe in God and figure him out, or decide to not believe and stop going to church. I decided I'm going to give him a chance and pulled out my Bible that has been on the bookshelf unread for about two years. I am going to read through the Psalms as they are full of appeals to God for strength, comfort and answers, which is what I need right now. Its hard because I am so bitter at God. I don't understand how he can let me and other people suffer so much. I feel so done with prayer and hope and the belief that he is a good god. In the same token, I can't imagine my life without him.

Today is Mike's memorial service. We couldn't attend since we are taking care of things down here. Tomorrow his daughter comes down to go to a camp for kids with skin diseases. We are going to spend some time with her. I hope I can be comforting and understanding. I just can't imagine how hard this time must be for them.

Cigarettes

I have been using old pictures as I haven't been in the mood to take my camera out for a while. There is just too much going on in my mind right now to think of being artsy.

Its a melancholy morning. I wish I didn't have this demon depression hanging on my back like so many rigid boulders. I cry myself to sleep, I rumple-tumble through the days like so many pieces of sand through the hourglass.

Bad things:

I feel like curse words.

My sewing machine keeps breaking.

I am unmotivated.

Having to take pills just to feel partly alive.

Good things:

Peonies

Amelia and Isabelle

Our adorable wreck of a house.

I can drink.

New

What do you think of the blogs new look?

Sandman

I really want these sandals. They remind me of something Katherine Hepburn would wear in the movie Summertime. I love all the straps and tiny buckles.

The puppies are hot and sleeping. There is an evil fly in the house. I'm tired and in a nappy mood.

Last night we had Lori and Karen over for dinner and games. The food turned out good and we had fun playing Rock Band and Scrabble. Tonight we are having Laura and Melanie over for dinner which should be fun.

I'm thinking about life and death a lot since Mike Peade died in a tragic motorcycle accident over the weekend. Its shocking to me. Life can be so short. Tragic things can happen in the blink of an eye. I feel so much for Sharon and the kids. I wish there was more that we could do. I wish we could bring him back. I wish so many things that won't happen, can't happen.

201

I just finished cleaning the house for our company tonight. Should be fun and we are having quite a yummy dinner with grilled chicken, corn and vegetable kabobs.

I just read some of my blog entries from last year and read this and thought of how true it is:

"Depression isn't what I thought it was before I had it--just down in the dumps. Instead its like your constantly losing something, like a death in the family feeling with no one else knowing, but you know and know well and scream inside and no one hears. I'm losing something, I'm losing myself in the brick black cave of death."

Winifred

Here is Paul and Laura's bulldog Winifred. She is sweet and burly-rolly. Slow and steady; the lover of wicker brooms which she tears to bits. She loves a belly rub and drinks water out of water bottles just like a human. She is constantly on a diet and working on her vivacious-piggy figure.

In other news:

I am forced to finally clean the house today as we are having company tonight which is a wonderful thing because we are drowning in mess.

This is my 200th post on blogger, which is sort of a landmark/exciting.

Amelia just stole some of my coffee after spilling it on the floor and she liked it.

Laughing in the dark

Our Isabelle is spunky and spirited. She is a 15 pound mess of fur and stubbornness, so strong willed and determined to chase deer, squirrels, Amelia. One of her best friends is Winnifred the fifty pound bulldog. She is little miss sunshine. Happy and content with simple things like her favorite toy the hedgehog, which she spends an hour each day holding in her mouth while she sleeps. She is one of the cutest little monster dogs I've ever met.

Our living room/honeybee

Our fireplace is my favorite now that its white.

Lanterns and you can see our drywalled entryway in the background.

The only wallpaper left in the house. I think its burlap or something similar.

We just finished decorating the living room this morning. Its nice to have another room nearly finished in the house. We still have to do the baseboards and some molding around a doorway but it looks mostly put together.

We have a bee hive somewhere around our house near one of our living room windows and they keep sneaking in through a small crack in the window hinge. Its scary as I am horribly afraid of bees. Yesterday I woke to ten bees on the window sill, luckily most of them were half dead. Then four more in the afternoon, and this morning we already have had one breaking through. Not fun.

I'm not feeling so great today. The dim weather outside doesn't help either.

xox

Melia, sit!

Amelia is one of the funniest dogs I ever met. She is spunky, klutzy and absolutely wild at times. As well as sweet, gentle, and terribly lazy. Her favorite new game is trying to get two toys in her mouth at once. She isn't very good at it yet, but it sure is fun to watch.

Other things:

• I am working on starting my own Etsy store: Cate Q Studio. I will be selling jewelry and lots of other fun goodies. I'm excited/nervous/dreamy about it.
  

• I'm not feeling so good today. Just tired and downtrodden.
  

• This weekend I'm hoping we make it over to the Farmers Market to buy some fresh flowers and yummy vegetables.
  

Sugar

I love carnations. They smell so sweet and yummy.

Ron is teaching and I'm home with the dogs trying to get motivated for the day. I think my new medication is starting to kick in a bit as I have a bit more energy and its a little easier to get out of bed in the morning. I also found out that I am allowed to drink again, after a week of being booze free, I'm happy to get back on the wagon and have a drink or two.

Our living room feels quite delicious and cozy these days. We are almost done decorating, just need to hang some lanterns and then I will post some pictures of the finished product.

I haven't been crafting or writing much these days. One big reason is that my art room is an absolute mess/disaster. I will clean it this week and get going on some more projects.

Ron and I have been talking a lot about what we want to do with our lives and who we want to be. I love talking with him, he is so deep and introspective-interesting. I don't really know what I want to do once I'm better. I have some little ideas but they are such a non-reality right now as I'm completely focused on getting through my illness. I hate being sick, but I know this is my lot in life and I have to do the best I can to get better. I do imagine myself wearing a 50's style dress and selling bouquets of flowers at the Farmers Market one day. I think that will happen, or at least I am somewhat hopeful it will. That is something to hold on to.

xox

Before and after part 1

Scary ugly fireplace.

Our phantom frame silhouettes.

Dirty walls.
Ron the paint boss.

Our gorgeous Icelandic bright white fireplace!

So pretty!

Now to decorating. I will post pictures of that next. This room looks so different its crazy. It was so dingy and old, now it looks sleek and chic.

after thought

We painted all weekend. Now I feel like I need another weekend just to recharge. No more scary frame outlines on the walls (woopee). I will post before and after pictures soon.

Today is my sister in-law Melanie's birthday. She took the day off work so we are going to venture out to Ikea and have a yummy afternoon lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Oh yes, we are awesome.

Got up early and went grocery shopping this morning, bought flowers, vegetables, fruit and the like and filled my cart so full that the bagger had trouble putting everything back in. Now we have lots of yummies to keep us satisfied.

I am feeling pretty good today and felt pretty good over the weekend. We'll see how long this lasts.

xox

blue-green

Here is our paint color swatch. The top two are the ones we are using in the entryway, hall and living room. I think they are so calm and airy looking I can't wait to get painting this weekend.

I feel tired and gloomy this morning. Just dragging myself to get breakfast, wake up, etc. I'm so tired of down days. I can't believe this is my life at times, its overwhelming. Most of the time I can't think about it. I can only force myself to keep going.

Hair dresser

I have cut my own hair for about a year now and I think this cut is the best one yet. I trimmed the ends and added some layers. I think it looks rather rock and roll which is what I was going for. What do you think?

Its my second day on my new medication and I'm a bit less worried about the side effects. Haven't felt any difference in my mood yet, but we'll see what happens a few days from now. Hopefully it makes me feel marvelous.

I have lost three pounds since Disneyland! I haven't lost any weight in almost a year, not even one pound. So its exciting to see that losing weight is possible even when I am on evil weight gain medicine. This is encouraging.

xox

Here is my most recent tattoo idea. Not sure if this is going to be the one or not but I love the idea of having a Gibson Girl on my arm. If we do any poker playing/winning in Vegas the proceeds are going to go to us getting more tattoos. Rather exciting if you ask me.

I just started my new medication last night. It takes a few days to start working so we'll see what happens. It has some scary side effects such as epidermis toxicity which means all your skin falls off, etc., etc. Today is a down day so far, I feel out of touch and sad. Oh well.

We got the paint for our living room and hallway. Two beautiful shades of blue/green. We can't wait to get painting this weekend. To finally get rid of the phantom frame silhouettes on the walls.

Wish that my skin stays on today. Yes, I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

Bedroom Bliss

We finished painting and decorating our bedroom over the weekend and I absolutely adore it. Its so nice to have things hanging on the walls again and I love that most of the decorations are handmade by me or from my thrifting adventures.

Today is my fateful meeting with my doctor to talk about switching medication and I'm quite nervous. As you can imagine this nervousness creates a bad gloomy day. At least afterward Ron and I are going to Home Depot to get some paint for the living room which I'm extremely excited about.

xox

New Life Plan

I have to admit I'm a big planner. My journal is full of plans for Ron and I and I love all of them. On the way home from Disneyland I made a new plan for myself. This is mainly a plan for when I'm depressed, but can be used when I am happy too. Here it is:

• Take a walk every morning
• Journal five times a week
• Write 1500 words once a week
• Cook most nights
• Craft twice a week
• Make a house cleaning schedule

Today is my first day on the plan and I've already hit a road block as I have a tummy ache and can't take a walk this morning. I will walk tonight instead though, and everything else should go as planned.

Other sundries:

Amelia has lined up four bones on the couch and she is taking turns chewing on each between naps.

Tomorrow I find out if the doctor is going to change my medicine (scared).

Our bedroom is all painted and decorated and looks very cute and comfy.