Cotton

I'm slowly starting to feel better. Today I was able to clean the kitchen and go to the store by myself. A big deal when for the past nine days I've hardly been able to stand up. Now I can emerge out of my dazed dreamland and slowly tread back into real life.

Life is kind of scary these days. I'm mildly depressed and don't really know what my purpose is. Its hard to get through the days when you can't quite pinpoint why you are here. But I hope there is a reason and that keeps me going. There is so much I want to do in life that I have to keep fielding through the drudgery of the day to day. Depression has a loud voice at times. But I will try to keep my own voice a little louder. A voice of hope and reason.

the green in between

I'm still sick. I had a telephone appointment with my doctor and she told me to just keep taking decongestants and I should be better in two weeks. Two more weeks?!? Oh my word.

I'm slowly going to start getting up and moving about between resting. This afternoon I will tidy the house a bit. Tomorrow perhaps go out to the grocery store to buy some fresh fruit, vegetables and flowers. I think I have to work myself up to getting better. I can't really be on the couch for two more weeks, I have to get moving or my mild case of depression is going to get worse.

Therapy was rather interesting yesterday. It seems that my defenses were down because I wasn't feeling well, so a lot came out which pleased my doctor a great deal and left me feeling rather confused and full. Next appointment will be a tough one as he warned me he is going to do some serious probing. Oh well, this is how we make progress.

I can't wait to get back to crafting, making dolls, painting, paper crafts, oh how I miss you. And taking pictures! I miss my little camera tremendously, or rather, the energy to use it.

More things

This book is by the author who wrote The Historian, an amazing suspense novel about Dracula. I'm so excited about her new book that is coming out this Autumn!
This photo carousel is just awesome. I would love to set it up on my coffee table with pictures and mementos of our life.
I love this chair and think it will look so good and add some color to our living room.

Points:

• Sick day number eight.
• I have to go to therapy this morning which I'm not looking forward to.
• Both the dogs are pretending they are sick so they can get extra attention.
• I have absolutely nothing to talk about so I've been whining quite a bit to Ronald.
• I baked chocolate chip cookies last night.
• I feel like I'm going to cough up my lungs.
  

Sick bed

So I'm still sick and have been spending a lot of time on the internet. Here are a few things I want. The cutest vintage style Dr. Scholls sandals. So perfect with rolled up jeans.

This poster for over our couch.

And the second season of 30 Rock so I can have something to laugh about.


Points:

• I haven't had a full nights sleep in 7 days
• I'm suspecting our dogs are actually spawns of the devil
• I have some gorgeous purple flowers on the coffee table to cheer me up
• I have a new love for strawberries
  
• I'm so bored
• Drinking Coke is the best way to relieve a sore throat
• Alamo Palace has the best Chinese food
  

My Mister

My boss is so sweet.

He is so handsome.
He is so silly.

And he loves whiskey.

Points:

• I'm still really sick
• Its pretty out
  
• I wish I could go out and enjoy the day
• I'm excited for the weekend
• I want pizza for dinner
  

Mess

I wish I had the energy to get off the couch and walk the fifteen feet to grab my camera and take a picture of the mess of pill packaging, tissues and dishes on the coffee table then upload the picture to the computer and post it on here, but right now that seems much too complicated and difficult as I am still sick and to make it all worse--I am sicker than I was yesterday.

I had a horrible night of coughing and that wacky nasty feeling of not wanting to swallow because when you do your ears feel like they are going to explode with pressure and your throat hurts. I did have the energy to look through a magazine, a real feat since all I have been able to do is sleep and watch television which is sucking my mind dry.

I sit here imagining going grocery shopping; buying fresh flowers, candles, fresh bread, fruit and vegetables. I am so hungry for my cooking, not that I'm a great cook just that homemade food tastes delicious. I sit here imagining cleaning the house, opening the curtains, dusting, clearing the amassing clutter, febreezing everything so the house doesn't smell like a dog.

Speaking of dog. These dogs are crazy. They have been asleep for about three hours now so its guaranteed that they will be up for the rest of the day getting into trouble and not realizing that their mother is feeling horrible. Not to mention that we are puppy sitting Winnifred until Monday who is their favorite playmate/troublemaker friend. I do feel bad though, as the vet sent a happy birthday email to Isabelle today and I forgot it was her birthday. Yes, they are our babies and spoiled rotten. We will get her a present this weekend and oh how I live vicariously through them.

Now to toddling to the kitchen to get some apple juice and throw away some of my Mount Diablo sculpture, also known as my pile of tissues.

Memory lane

One of our best memories was going to Disneyland last year. I was in such a deep depression I was bedridden. I didn't know if I could go, but with some coaxing from Ron we went. I had to take it slow but we had such a great time. One of our best trips ever. As you know, Disneyland is a place you can go to and forget all your cares and that's what we did for five days.

The best part of the trip was watching the Electrical Light Parade at California Adventure. Ron had seen this parade as a kid and loved it, I had never seen it. We got coffees and bundled together to watch the parade which was so fun and brilliant. We laughed and Ooh-d and aahh-d for a long time. We had the best seats on a bench right in front.

Right now I wish we were back in Disneyland. I'm tired of having this nagging cold and this nagging hard time. I'm in a gentle unmotivated depression at the moment and its no fun. I wish I was in a manic period just so I could do Spring cleaning, think straight and have some energy. But manic also brings irritability and no sleep so I guess I should be glad my mood swings are more slow and steady.

I just hate having colds on top of my hard time, it makes me get so melancholy and hopeless. But today I will dream of Disneyland and remember all the fun we have had and will have when things are a little bit better. One thing I do have to say is that I am the luckiest girl to have someone as wonderful as Ronald to stand by me through this time. Wish me better.

Lists

Bad things:

Its hot (91 degrees)

I'm sick

We only have one little air conditioner unit in the dining room

Amelia's new hobby is eating paper including pay checks


Good things:

The puppies are snuggling me to help me feel better

I have my new laptop!

Ron is making me a yummy smoothie

Its the Playoffs so lots of basketball to watch

I've taken two and a half naps today

Bag girl

I made my first bag this morning. Its a little wonky as one: I hate ironing and two: the plaid isn't sewn together perfectly straight and three: I once again didn't use a pattern. But I think its cute and pretty good given how quickly I made it.

I put a fuzzy pink liner on the inside and the pictures don't give the cute fabric justice as it actually is a very bright red. I used shiny brown ribbon for the handle. I'm excited to make more with little patches and embellishments. Its kind of a weird size, I think I will make my next one just a bit bigger.

In other news:

• Ron is staying home with me for the rest of the week as I'm having a bad one.
  
• I keep having nightmares about spiders and being kidnapped.
• Wonderful P & L bought me a new laptop that should be ready on Monday.
• I love my art room.
  

Puppy dog tails

The past two nights I've been making toys for the dogs (yes, they are extremely spoiled). Last night I made the toys above, simple rectangles made out of this cool funky kitchen towel, with little gingham and heart patches. Even though they don't squeek the girls love them and have been playing with them non-stop since I made them. Weird that they finally like to play with something other than our shoes!

Here is Amelia playing with her new toy.

these are what I made tonight. Little quilted tubes, or as Ron likes to call them "sausages". They haven't bonded with these as much as the previous two, I thought they would have more fun with this shape, but they are both quite unpredictable and silly. I like making toys for them because I can practice using my sewing machine without having to worry about being perfect.

Hope you have a good night snuggling someone you love (even if its a puppy).

"There's a light up ahead"

I don't have therapy today, it has been months since I've had a Tuesday to myself. It feels strange. I'm 95% sure about my decision. My heart skips a beat in a bad way when I think about the repercussions of it. Sometimes though, the right thing is the hard thing and I think this is one of those times. Still I can't help but experience a strange sort of relief when I think about it, still I am calm and peaceful.

I'm growing up; a bit more honest, a bit more true to myself. I can see my progress. The way out of the cave. And am still prodding slowly through the thick muddy road to freedom.

Easter in the backyard

Hope you had a great Easter! Ron and I started our day taking the girls for a walk. Isabelle ran away as I lost hold of her leash (thankfully we caught her), the girls pulled and got into even more trouble, but then met two dogs so were happy and sleepy on the way home.

Then we got ready and Ron played a little Rock Band. We went out to Hacienda Crossings to try to buy this rug we have been looking at, but the store was closed (we were surprised at how many stores were closed for the day). Then we had a salad lunch and played a little more Rock Band before going to Paul and Laura's house to have Easter dinner.

We met up in their backyard with Rob and Wanda, Melanie, Paul, Laura and Winnifred. We brought the girls and they had a lot of fun eating oranges and lots of ham. I had fun getting rather tipsy and then taking pictures.

Birch tree.

Amelia smelling a foot toy.

Isabelle being quite introspective about the holiday.

A flower.

My favorite pink pom pom tree.

And little miss big Winnie. We had a lot of fun with friends and delicious food. How was your Easter?

I have a big decision that is almost made but will be made officially in about eight days. I can't help but have the line from the Pedro the Lion song in my head "One thing on his mind, to get behind her desk and make some big decision." Its scary, monstrous, and yet sort of peaceful in Catherine-ville these days. Will let you know what happens.

Blurb

Its the start of another day of working on the house. Today we are going to continue our never ending painting of the bedroom. Luckily we are very close to finished. We just have to do touch ups, and put in new molding. But today I'm tired and not in the mood. I'd rather put on a sundress and go out somewhere relaxing and romantic. Wish me luck in getting through the day.

What are you doing this weekend?

xox

nature girl

Yesterday morning I took a walk in the rain on the Iron Horse Trail that is just a few steps away from our house.
The trail was rain slicked and as EE Cummings would say, "mudluscious". It was so quiet because the rain kept everyone indoors. I love walking in the rain, the cold drops on my face and hands, the wind wipping my hair back, the spicy mysterious smell of the wet grass and weeds.

The grey/green eucalyptus against the white sky.

Happy little weeds.

Our state flower all closed up and hidden from the thick pregnant drops of water.

I love wisteria and all these flowering trees in the neighbors yard, they smell so sweet.

My poor poppy turned umbrella. How beautiful and melancholy.

nicknames

Proper name: Eleanor
Nickname: Mutti

Proper name: Amelia
Nickname: Melia

Proper name: Oliver
Nickname: Boocheesey

Proper name: Isabelle
Nickname: Shmoehawk

Don't ask me how we came up with most of these nicknames. We haven't had Amelia long enough to come up with a very strange one (although Ronald likes to call her Turkey). Isabelle's nickname is from Curb Your Enthusiasm, Eleanor's translates to "Mom" in German. I have no idea how we came up with the nickname for Oliver, but we do like to pretend he is a famous author and that is his pen name. He has a very tragic autobiography out at the moment about his search for a never ending food and cat nip dispenser.

Zen

Today I'm trying to find my peaceful place. I light candles, stare at the jar of daffodils, put on comfortable pajamas, make tea, talk to Ronald, eat dark chocolate dots (my little addiction), journal, plan to do yoga tonight.

It seems like right when I figure it out, something happens to trounce me again. But today I'm going to be peaceful about it. Peaceful and calm in a noteworthy sort of way.

t-h-e-r-a-p-y

Therapy is like writing an hour long horribly honest journal entry aloud. Tuesday is my therapy day. I hate Tuesdays. I hate therapy and that I have to go. Its something that is hard to write about and make public because there is such a stigma around it. But I will write about it anyway because I'm tired of keeping things secret.

This is how Tuesday goes:

• Wake up
• Workout
• Tidy the house
  
• Shower and dress and mentally prepare for what's coming
• Leave with Ron for my appointment at 10:40
• Wait anxiously in the waiting room for fifteen minutes as the dr. is always late
• Dig for an hour through my heart and soul like picks in a quarry
• Go home
• Cry and sleep for a long time
• Wake in the evening feeling a little better and relieved that its over until next week

Well, its nearly time for me to go so I need to get ready. I hope you don't mind but I'm trying to be more honest about my story (also known as life). Wish me luck today. Luck and rest.

garden party

We finally did some yard work this weekend. Our grass was so overgrown it looked like our house was abandoned. Saturday morning Ron used the weedwacker (as we don't have a lawnmower yet) and mowed most of the yard before it ran out of gasoline. I raked up the grass and sweeped up the mess. We filled up our huge green waste can with heaps of grass and weeds.

Sunday, after taking the dogs for a walk, we went to Home Depot and bought a planter and some flowers for our front patio area. They are so pretty and I'm so excited to take care of them!

I love the light orange color of these.

Poppies are the cutest.

I love our gorgeous tree in the background.

I hope I can train myself to have a green thumb.

This picture looks so soft and romantic.

Hope you have a wonderful day!