Vintage kitchen

Here are some pictures of our cute vintage kitchen. It is tiny and reminds me of something you would find in a dollhouse and it is one of my favorite parts of the house. I never thought I would love faded orange countertops next to old dark brown cabinets. Its tiny and intimate and ours. One day we will remodel and I am looking forward to having more space, but I have to say I will miss this quirky little kitchen.

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up until 1:30 shopping on Ebay for beads and fabric. I didn't buy anything, but I'm watching a zillion items. Then I tossed and turned the rest of the night unhappy and reticent. So now to a dark blue morning. I feel shaded, sunk, collapsed.

"The bleeding hearts nailed to the side"

I have been searching for my Bible for a long time now. It is a thin burgundy leather, all broke in and cozy to use. Pressed in it are flowers from our wedding and all the comforting Psalms and most of Job are highlighted. I found it last night after saying a brief prayer about it. I haven't read the Bible in about two years. I'm so tired and downtrodden in regards to God, but I'm going to try again. Right now I really need some comfort and I hope reading the Bible will help. Even if I don't know whether I believe in God, the thoughts and ideas are expressive, poetic and have the ability to comfort.

I'm feeling ok this morning. Hoping the one and a half pills at bedtime are working. Today I am having lunch with Shannon and then crafting. I have cut out the patterns for two dolls, one white with blond hair and one yellow with purple hair.

So many birds are chirping outside. Mostly Blue Jays and a few little brown stout ones. The brown ones are so cute and hoppy, I want to name them cute names like Elizabeth and Henry.

"I consider the days of old, the years long ago"

Life seems better in retrospect. I think back on when Ron and I first got together and in retrospect things appear so perfect. Then I remember the parents rules, the long drive to see each other, lonely nights without him, my constant crying, trying to figure out how we could be together. I remember the first time I told him we should get married in September. We had only been together for seven months and engaged for two. I can still see him standing by the stove in his parents kitchen helping me cook pasta (my first dinner for him) as I brought up the idea. He responded with interest but warily and we spent the evening sitting in the backyard planning our future together. Marriage in September was one of the best ideas I've ever had.

In retrospect, even last year looks better than right now. Last year I was more active, smaller, busy house hunting. This year we live in a dilapidated doll house (which I heart greatly), I feel like a whale, and have no energy whatsoever. Then I remember last years struggles; the thoughts beckoning me, Ron staying home with me all the time because I couldn't trust myself, the absolute haunting and curse that began.

I am still haunted, cursed, every horrible sad word, but I'm stronger now, more ready to face it. I have checks and balances in my head to keep me from falling off the edge. I keep the doors and windows in my mind closed up tight, the curtains drawn, trying to hide from my demon. He still finds his way in...

"I don't dance anymore, think I'd like to I've lost touch."

I'm down this morning. I woke up thinking "I hate Tuesdays" and can't get the thought out of my head. I'm so tired of having the blues and being so exhausted.

I'm meeting with Dr. K today and we need to have a serious talk about what is going on with me. I don't think the Lamictal is working and I think we need to try something else. Its scary to switch medications because of all the side effects. The side effect I am most worried about is weight gain as I have already gained so much weight being on Abilify. Oh well, I need to remember that my feeling good is more important than the number on the scale but that can be hard when you live in a skinny-mini town in California.

Its hard to be struggling so much. I have one or two moderate days where I can smile and laugh and have a little fun followed by a mass of bad days where getting out of bed is difficult. The little things of being sick drive me crazy like the house is a mess, I don't cook dinner, I don't get out of the house. Not because I don't want to, but because I feel that I can't. My body and mind and soul scream that I can't.

But he, Ronald, is sweet and understanding. He works for us, comes home and cleans, takes Tuesdays off to take me to my appointments, doesn't care what size I am, spoils me with the things I need to be creative, loves me in spite of myself. I'm so thankful to have him in my life

Poor Amelia

This one is going to the vet today as we suspect she has a urinary tract infection. Poor girl. We need to give her some cranberry juice.

This weekend was pretty good. Saturday I spent the day with Melanie. Sunday we relaxed and went to Walnut Creek to walk around and see The Orphan. That afternoon I did some sewing on my new machine. It is so quiet and nice, I am thoroughly impressed. I made some dog toys just to practice with all the functions.

I'm feeling a little blue today for a few reasons. Its Monday so that doesn't help. I'm still adjusting from the doctor lowering my Cymbalta. I'm feeling pretty good with it overall though. We'll see what happens.

crafting and the lost boy

Its morning and I haven't had breakfast yet because I'm too tired to get up. Of course I always have energy to blog...

I cried a lot last night and am feeling rather weepy and down this morning. But I'm going to craft regardless. I think I'm going to work on making a doll. I want to start working on my eggshell doll, but I don't know if I feel creative enough to design it, cut out a pattern etc... So perhaps a black apple doll.

My new sewing machine arrived yesterday. It is so fancy and I am very excited about it. The stitch diagram looks like some alien language. Its all a little confusing but I'm hoping I can figure it out.

In other news, we lost our dear kitty Oliver last night. We didn't really know he was gone until around midnight when we didn't hear his little meow and pitter-patter throughout the house. We searched all his hiding places and he was no where to be found. Then we started to search the backyard and heard some faint meowing only to find him in the front yard walking up to the doorstep. This was a little scary as we love the little guy and it reminded us of the first time he went missing as a kitten. So glad to have the Boocheesey back!

issues

I'm going to force myself to do things in spite of my desire to stay on the couch to cry and sigh the day away. It will be hard but I think I can do it. The house is a wreck and I have to go to Kaiser to pick up my medications at the pharmacy.

My new sewing machine should arrive on my doorstep today. I have been questioning my creativity lately. I can't imagine selling things on Etsy. I can't imagine making anything anyone would want to buy. I can't imagine making anything that I am satisfied with. Ron says I haven't really tapped into my creativity, I wonder if I have anything to tap into.

I feel like I'm running out of parts of myself. Running out of patience, creativity, grace, peace, gentleness. I hold the rungs tightly but I am starting to fall. I slip slowly and my hands burn and pinch and hurt. Sometimes the slipping is the hardest part.

But for now, just get out of bed, have some breakfast and move forward.

shit

I'm trying to find little pretty things in the house to take pictures of since I've been such a sick little home girl these days. And no, that is not in a ghetto way. This has been a miserable week so far.

My doctor has been lowering my dose on Cymbalta the last two weeks. This is a good thing except for the dizziness and nausea that getting off of it causes. I feel pretty shitty in general. I'm having more bad days than good days. I just sleep all the time because there seems to be no point in doing anything and I have no energy to get up and get going.

I can't describe how exhausted I am. Its like when you have the flu and are so damn tired, but that tiredness never goes away no matter how much sleep you get. I'm feeling rather pointless and have no idea why this has to happen to me.

This is a bit of a whiny post but sometimes I just have to vent about how terrible this illness is.

Bad things:

depression
bipolar
messy house
too much sleep
hopelesness

Good things:

Ronald
Netflix
Dr. K
Dr. Muzzafar
New sewing machine arriving tomorrow

Spinning

This is a picture of the lanterns above the teacups at Disneyland. I love to look at them as we spin and see all the weird colors and shapes. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm spinning now, and we aren't at Disneyland.

For one thing my medication is making me dizzy, this is the weirdest feeling and I end up staying on the couch even more because I don't want to fall over. Life seems to be spinning around me as I am stationary, but at the same time, I feel like I'm spinning in circles and leaving life in the dust. This is Bipolar disorder as you and I well know. The ups and the downs. Sadly, I have Bipolar II which means I don't get the ecstatic highs, but instead get the melancholy highs of racing thoughts and anxiety. I will have two "high" days followed by three or four down days. This illness is horrible in its ability to strike me down flat on my face right when I think I am making progress.

Off to therapy now. Wish me luck as I have to explain this as well as several other things in fifty minutes. Sometimes I feel so rushed...

"Its just that at night I've got nowhere to hide"

I'm up early because I'm not feeling well. Its frustrating. I am frustrated about a lot of things these days. Here are a few:

Kaiser doesn't want to cover my medication
New side effects
Old side effects
I'm sick today
Crafting is on hold
We don't have a/c and its hotter than Hades
My thumb goes numb inexplicably

In other news. I am loving reading these days. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez is such a delicious book. Plus I'm quite into poetry right now. Especially the poems of Anna Akhmatova, W.H. Auden, and the lustful mystical poems of Allen Ginsberg.

Today to going to the market and then to resting in order to quench this blank sickness.

Not in the mood

to post much today. I had one of the worst tension headaches of my life last night. It was horrible. Seven ibuprofen, an ice pack, a head massager, a nights sleep and one heat pad later the tension has moved from my head to my neck and shoulders. Woop-dee-doo.

Wish me better please.

Tonight to go see Brand New in the city and tomorrow to Hanford (we have to leave at four in the morning!).

Oh, air conditioning how I miss you. Its a hot Summer and you aren't here, except for a very tiny unit in the dining room that hardly cools us down. I wish you were close and throughout the house and that I could feel your cool air upon me.

Its a down, blue, hot morning. Down because I'm blue, blue because I'm hot, and so on and so forth. All of it muddles up like a giant ball of yarn and rolls over me *ouch*. I get stuck to it and roll along, half-hurting for the day. It all sounds very whimsical and dreamy but its not.

Good things:

Our talk last night
Isabelle didn't die from choking
The new healthy eating plan
Coffee with Melanie

Bad things:

Heat
Blurred vision
Nausea
Working on the weekend

Wants and gots

Here is a vintage poster I want. I love the colors and her expression. It is only $19.99 for a print, such a good deal and I think it would look fabulous in our dining room (once we paint it powder blue).

I need a new sewing machine as mine is so old and dilapidated. I haven't done any sewing for about a month. No doll making, no quilts, and I miss it. This is the new sewing machine I want but it is rather expensive so I need to be patient

Ron just bought me this glorious perfume. It is usually $75 but he got it for a steal ($37) on Amazon! I have had a bottle of this before and it is my absolute favorite besides Channel No. 5. I am so happy to wear it today. So spoiled to have such a sweet boyfriend.

"I am the grass, let me work."

Once again, its therapy day. I've already taken a nap as my medication causes me to have extremely vivid dreams at night that keep me from resting. Last nights dreams were that our neighbors were peeking into our house, a murder mystery at a beauty contest, and one about Shirley Temple. I feel like I've only had two hours of sleep, which is rotten.

I have a lot to talk about in therapy today. I really need to figure out these medication side effects and see if there is anything we can do to assuage them, I hope there is. Then to get out some of this rotting that is occurring right in my center.

In other news, I am going to do a little clothes shopping tomorrow which I am rather excited about. Hopefully I can find some skirts and cute blouses. We shall see...

drink

I feel messy today. Still in my pajamas with a frowny face; nothing cheers me up. I'm down about several things and the depression slithers in closer like a sick lover that I despise. He puts his arm around me and tries to settle me down as I panic at his closeness. His stagnant breath on my cheek, his eyes peering through my sick flesh.

Drinking is easy. Drinking can make your cares fade for a few moments. But drinking to end cares is not for me. Even though I crave it along with cigarettes terribly when I'm down. Nicotine and alcohol are wonderful ways to whore yourself out to the needs of the flesh. Instead I settle with the occasional drink and I allow my lust for caffeine to run rampantly.

Its hard when the demon is with me. Its hard when he is away because I anticipate him coming back filled with vengeance. Troubles, troubles, I am troubled. To get through the day unscathed--that is my wish and hope.

Good things:

Ronald
Love in the Time of Cholera
Coffee

Bad things:

Weight
Waiting
Medication
Swollen fingers
Tears
The demon
Weekends ending too soon
Side effects

two

Last night I dreamt I was single and having a long distance relationship with a forty year old man. I was so happy to wake up to Ron kissing me before he left for work. He is the best.

I have been doing a ton of cleaning as the Tri-Valley Whiskey Society is meeting at our little house tomorrow. Since I have been sick (especially the past two years) I haven't been able to do a lot of cleaning unless I really force myself or get lucky in having good days. It makes it so when I clean there is so damn much to do. Ron took Winnie to work so I can vacuum and sweep as she loves to attack those things. She is such a silly one...

Things to do today:

Clean
Pick up meds
Go to Safeway for party goodies
Bathe dogs
Read

This one

wakes me up at 7:30 every morning so we can snuggle on the couch...

The past two days I have stopped taking one of my medications for the muscle stiffness Abilify causes and I am much less tired. Its exciting to have a little more energy. Yesterday I was able to go grocery shopping, bake cookies (which I am eating for breakfast), and clean some of the house. I was acting quite house wife-y.

Is it possible for me to have two good days in a row? Lately not, but my meds were raised on Tuesday and I am feeling rather (rawther) not-so-bad this morning. Its quite-very exciting.

Last night Ron and I read for about two hours. He read John Adams and I read Love in the Time of Cholera. I was racing through the romantic, passionate, lively pages. The book is wildly descriptive which is so inspiring to the writer in me. It was lovely.

Things to do today:

Trim my hair
Lunch with Shannon and Melanie
Go to Target for candles, a large vase, a toothbrush, and rug tape
Bible study tonight

"Oh, my talking bird"

This poster is on our mantle and its a lesson I'm trying to learn every day. To keep calm in the midst of feeling like my world is crashing around me, and to carry on in spite of my desire to stay in bed and hide.

Therapy was good and hard yesterday. I snuggled a pillow and cried for an hour. Cried about how exhausted I am emotionally and physically, cried about how hard it is to get through the days. We took a big step back and realized that I have to lower the standards I hold myself to. I need to accept that getting through the day is a success, even if I do nothing but sleep all day that way I won't be so disappointed when all my fabulous morning plans go to pot. This makes me sad and relieved at the same time. Sad because I want to do more, relieved because I can just rest and take care of myself. I need to remember that I am sick, I have an illness, its not just an emotional problem, its not a weakness--its depression.

I'm really in a low dark creepy crawly place this week but am holding on. My medication has been raised once again so I hope that will help soon. Now to rest and do simple easy tasks.

Things I might do today:

Go to the market
Bake cookies
Do a small art project
Read

Home team

Last night we went to a Giants game with Shannon and Kevin. It was a really exciting game and the giants ended up taking it down. I don't know much about baseball but Ron was sweet enough to explain everything to me. We had a lot of fun watching the game and the orange full moon rise across the bay.

Today I have therapy and am dreading it like hell. I'm not in a vulnerable or open mood today so that is going to make it hard as I will get pried open like a boiled lobster. Oh well.

"You can even keep the name, it never suited me"

I made some journals for our second cousin and her children. She just lost her husband and the kids their father so I thought I would try to do something. This was the only thing I could think of and I hope it helps them in some small way.

Today is a dog day. We are watching Winnie as Paul and Laura are on the houseboat. All three of them are sleeping beside me, very tired after so much play. They are very cute, silly and stinky.

Now to organize my craft room and then tonight we are going to a Giants came with Shannon and Kevin. Should be fun.

Americana

Last night we had a fourth of July barbecue with a few friends. It turned out nice and comfortable and yummy. We all sat outside in Paul and Laura's cute backyard and talked and ate, it was really relaxing. My camera's battery died at the start of the party so these are the only photographs I was able to take.

Later in the evening we lit some cigars. This wasn't my first cigar, but it was my first time smoking one by myself. It was yummy with my bourbon and ginger ale but not so good with frosted sugar cookies.

I ended up drinking way too much and getting drunk. I've never been drunk before so this was a first for me, unintentional mind you. I felt awful all night, wildly apologetic to everyone, nauseas with the damp earthy taste of cigar in my mouth. Now I have a headache. I hate drinking too much as I don't like feeling out of control. At least I learned that 1 beer and 4 bourbon and ginger ales is well above my limit.

Ron and Kevin ended the evening playing video games--Rock Band and Ghostbusters which looked terribly fun and scary to little old me.

Today we are just going to watch movies, play games and nurse me back to health. How was your fourth?

Thifterella

Yesterday I went thrifting with Shannon. It was so much fun to spend time with her after a few weeks apart. We started the day with some yummy Starbucks and found some great free books on the donation shelf (a good sign of what was to come). Here are some of the goodies I found.

Some gorgeous vintage fabric. I love the print and I got a yard and a half for $1.25! A gold necklace, and a vintage print of a rabbit, I love the chunky frame.

I found so many great books I've been wanting to buy at Barnes and Noble (five books in all) and this cute little silhouette in a silver frame.

A vintage sugar bowl that will match our kitchen perfectly and a bunch of tins from someones old tin collection.

An olive green salad bowl and a vintage gin decanter.

I am so excited about all my finds and now need to find a little place in the house for each.

Tonight we are having a little fourth of July barbecue with a few friends. Happy fourth of July!

Feelings

Ron is getting a physical from a male nurse at the house for life insurance. Its kind of awkward as first, his name is Carl, and second, he is a male nurse, and third, the dogs are in the garage barking incessantly. It reminds me something that would be in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Here is something I wrote about depression. Its quite graphic and I almost don't want to post it, but this is the most true description I've ever seen of how it feels and what its like. And this is one place where I feel I can be completely honest.

I go to this dark place. This cave where my demon lives, he is always with me, behind my eyelids, in my stomach he looms and yet he is out of me, in situations, in the cave beckoning me to come closer. My demon comes out of the cave with his chains, I sit on the ledge of the cliff, he grabs me drags me in, my fingernails rip apart the skin falls of my arms and hands as I grasp and hold onto the rocky ground. It doesn’t hurt, not as bad as being in the cave so I hold on, grasp and clench at anything that can save me from going back. From being chained up in the darkness. The murky stark darkness of ruin. My death sentence, another bout of depression.

Pills

I take thirty-five pills a week. Pills to help me feel present, in control, calm, safe from the monster of doom. Lately, I've doubted their ability to work and only seem to notice their ability to make me gain weight. They do help though, in little/big ways. I haven't gone to my dark place for a while, I am on the cusp of the cave, but not in it quite yet. It seems that I creep closer and closer to it as the days go by...but I'm still not in it so that counts for something.

Yesterday my therapist said the only thing that shows my personality is my tattoos. And that I look like a librarian, but have a murderous rage simmering right in my center. These things are hard to hear, especially when I know they are true. I'm so angry at so many things but don't know how to express it, so I get stuck in looking pleasant, acting pleasant and trying to keep all my loose ends tied up. If you think about it, its really a 1950s state of mind. No wonder I admire that era so much.

Good things:

Pills
Carnations
Ice cream
My art room
Sleep

Bad things:

Pills
Feeling like shit
A messy house
Amelia eating my shoes
Irritability