The aftermath

So yesterday I met with my parents and it went (insert drum roll) amazingly well. They want to have a relationship and I can already see changes. My dad wants to take me to lunch today, something we have never done. It's scary and exciting to have parents again. To have a dad really, for the first time. It's a sad but also happy moment. There is still so much grieving to do but also so much hope for the future.

The turnaround has officially started and I already miss Ronald. He will probably have to work this weekend. But I just have to take this time and pack, do art, meditate, listen to calm sultry music and drink tea.

Isabelle is very silly as we have found a new tickle spot on her back. Each time we scratch it her leg goes into scratchy convulsions and she lifts her head with the happiest most anxious expression. She is rotten as she woke me up early only to go back to sleep after we shared my poptart. What a selfish adorable mooch.

Now to the day, to a scary-exciting lunch with my dad and to resting and being thankful.

this is the part

So they are coming tomorrow. I am horribly, sickly anxious about it but still moving. It's only 11:30 am but I feel like it should be night already from all the thinking and worrying I have done today. I'm ready to just get it over with. Tonight to lots of drinking, seeing the house at 4 and having a home meeting with Ron's parents which should be good. I'm rather excited/nervous about the house and expectant joyful to see it again today. The little darling mess of a thing that will suck up all our money like a leach in a festering pond.

I'm all practiced up with what I am going to say but not ready. Ready to talk but not ready to see them, the backs of their eyelids, the sinews of their flesh. To actually see, touch, be, with them is terrifying. These things, these ravaging creatures, this mom and dad.

We are at Panera and it's nice to sit and relax or try to relax. I am full, full of anxiety and vegetable soup. Friday is Halloween and we are going to see Beetle Juice at the theater tomorrow. And then carve the little white pumpkin Friday night. Our version of celebration for an all howls eve.

Oh lord of lore, wish me luck for the humdrum horrid monster tomorrow.

pillow talk

I'm feeling mostly better from the dank putrid cold. Now back to normal life. But not so normal...instead its a looming week since my parents are coming to town on Wednesday. Thursday is the big meeting and I am practicing and nervous and oh so Catherine about it. The thing is I'm just afraid of falling apart and being rejected. I'm afraid I won't get my point across. I'm afraid they will promise to change in the moment but won't actually change at all. I'm afraid of really losing them. One of the big control freak things I'm worried about is getting the apartment clean. My mom is a neat freak and I want everything to be impressive and perfect to hide how falling apart I really am. Bad I suppose in one respect, but in another it's something to do, a way to cope, a way to feel a little more stable.

Also we are moving quite, quite soon. So already to finding boxes (a score in the dumpster yesterday finding about five), already to getting rid of things our dining room is full of things to bring to Goodwill. Then to organizing, packing during the turnaround, and taking it all apart in order to put back together in a new dream house.

Today to grocery shopping in a nice slow budget friendly way and to cleaning the apartment top to bottom and to feeling that nervous fear/excitement lumped in the middle.

Hope for flowers

So we got the house! We are so excited and just can't believe it. It actually is an interesting story as to how we ended up getting it and it just proves that it is the house for us. When we first went to see the house we noticed there were buddha statues in the front yard and we mentioned to our realtor the story about grandpa and how his congestive heart failure gave him a big belly so he got a tattoo of buddha on his belly and we called it the buddha belly and rubbed it for luck. Well, it turns out our realtor shared this story with the seller and that is why we got the house! He thought we were the right couple to live in his families home and even took less money for it! Ron and I just couldn't believe it. It just shows how things work out and how there is hope when money doesn't always speak louder than words. He is also going to give us one of the buddha statues and we are going to give it a special place in a yard in memory of grandpa.

So now we are moving in 40 days. It's all really overwhelming but good. There is so much work to do, getting the loan documents together, packing and getting rid of all our junk, budgeting for the mortgage, budgeting the fixes on the house, etc...It's going to be quite a big job but I know we can do it.

Counter counter counter

We got a counter offer on the house for $570k and we re-countered with $545k once again it is a long shot for our offer to be accepted. There are six offers total, two cash, two funky ones that shouldn't be accepted and one like ours which is the one we are worried about. But we shall see. I love this house but am willing to walk away. I'm still anxious-excited but we should know in a few hours.

If this house doesn't work out there are several in Walnut Creek that we are interested in so we should have a house by the first of the year, fingers crossed and oh so exciting. The problem is I've already fixed up and decorated the house in Alamo...oops. I can't help it.

I'm still sick but feeling a little better after last night since I was able to sleep for most of the night without interruptions other than waking at four for about an hour. Hopefully I will be better by the weekend.

Sick girl

My cold just keeps getting worse. Even with nighttime cold medicine I couldn't sleep last night. I feel miserable now, exhausted but I can't sleep. Oh well.

It's about 99% sure we didn't get the house in Alamo. That's ok though. It needed a lot of work and there were a lot of things we didn't like about it that we may not have been able to fix up since we were rather strapped for cash. So now to looking for another...most likely in Walnut Creek or San Ramon, since finding houses in our range in Danville and Alamo is a rarity. Still excited though but a bit disappointed at the moment.

My parents are coming next week. I met with my doctor and went over what I was going to say and the sensation of public speaking crept over me. I am sort of giving a speech, but instead of something simple and non-emotional this is a speach on my innards, not just a speech, a conversation with the people I quake and sigh over. Its going to be so hard.

After my parents come the turnaround starts. I'm anxious about it but it should be easier than some of the past turnarounds. I just have that sick feeling that I'm going to fall apart again right at the beginning of it. As usual, I have horrible timing. As usual, we run so bad.

But today I'm just sick so that tinges everything with grey sad edges.

"I'll make him an offer he can't refuse"

Last night we made an offer on the house for sale in Alamo. It apparently has several offers on it and we offered $75k below asking price so we doubt we will get it but it's worth a shot. It was good to see how serious the parents are, I know we will get a house soon even if it isn't this one and it was also good to go through the whole process in general.

So I'm rather anxious today and horribly sick with the devil cold. I have to go see Dr. K and go pick up some medicine regardless. I wish I had a maid though because I'm tired as I hardly slept last night because we didn't have any night time cold medicine.

One thing I have to say is I'm so sick of the coverage of McCain and Obama's rallies. They say the same exact thing and everyone feigns and shouts and stutters like they are The Beatles or something. Only 14 more days to handle at least.

Isabelle is trying to dig to China through the couch. She loves to dig but has no yard so the couch is a suitable replacement. She wants to go to her home country to get some won tons and is very sighy and growly about the whole thing.

Sick day

My cold has suddenly got really bad which is just what I need on a Monday. I'm going to do things in spite of it which is probably a terrible idea.

Yesterday we went to look at a house in Alamo. It's a total remodel but has good bones and a huge yard. I love it but am worried it would be too much work for us and cost too much. I think I would like the challenge though. We will just wait and see and continue to think about it.

This weekend was pretty good overall. Saturday Ron went golfing so Shannon and I hung out all day which was a lot of fun. Then yesterday was house hunting and just resting with my baby and Isabelle.

This week Ron is busy with meetings so its my challenge to get through the days without him coming to help me. This will be a good test as to how things will be during the turnaround. I'm doing ok so far other than feeling sicky. Wish me luck...

Implode

I'm so tired this morning with my little cold shrouding my head like a wreath. It's Friday and that's a good thing. I don't have much of anything to say. Isabelle is sleeping and sighing very seriously. I keep dreaming we have a baby.

This weekend we are going house hunting with Paul and Laura. They brought it up and think we should still be in the market even with the economy being as it is. So that is good news. I'm a tiny bit excited but trying not to get overly hopeful.

We have a little ebay business now. Sloe Gin Betty is on the move. We have made about $40 dollars but need to make some adjustments to keep the money flowing. Tonight to doing more planning and taking some more pictures. It's really fun though and hopefully we will hit the motherload with an item soon and get more than one or two bids.

I'm having a down down morning as usual. Oh well, ah me.

Senator Government

The debates were rather feisty last night. The most entertaining of them all at least. Once again there wasn't a clear winner. I think there were certain questions and points where each candidate got owned by the other. I especially liked when McCain said "Joe you're rich, congratulations" and when he said he wasn't George Bush. I think McCain missed a lot of opportunities to attack and attacked on some odd issues. But McCain is finished even though I voted for him last night on my absentee ballot.

I'm still not feeling good and now I have a cold too. The doctor changed my medicine all around but again, this takes time. It will take about a month for me to be on the right doses again of the medicine I was on previously. So now the waiting game begins and patience is needed, but I feel slightly desperate. Ron has taken the week off work to be with me and that helps a bit. We are going out to Starbucks or Panera every day in order to be social and cunning writers.

I'm finally and disappointedly dropping out of my class at school. I'm so behind in homework and have missed so many lectures there is no way I can catch up before the deadline. Alas, another point in which I failed.

My parents are coming in two weeks and I'm scared and half ready. Right on schedule. I'm trying to write about it every day and plan for the meeting. This is going to be so hard, and I'm slightly distrusting of my doctor as the mediator after I fell apart last Tuesday.

Thing I hate: Being sick
Thing I love: Viva Pinata game

bliss-ter

It's an encroachable Monday after a down down down weekend. On Saturday we went to the movies and sushi, Sunday to Panera and then a rest day of watching Dexter and eating chinese food. I took a nap last evening and woke up in the darkness which always scares me. I'm down because my parents are coming and perhaps this darn medicine isn't working so well.

Now to a better Monday. I'm getting closer and closer to dropping out of school, I have to just make a choice because the longer I wait, the more entrenched I get. Everyone says I shouldn't but the depression increases every time I have to go and I hate it. "I'm a loner dottie, a rebel"

I'm just tired of feeling like shit. Very, very tired. I want something, anything to ease the pain of being here. But I have to be a big girl now and do what is overall best for me, which at this moment is to exercise. Wish me luck

caribou

I woke up in the middle of the night wanting to cry over my dad. I almost woke you up but you were so calm sleeping beside me. I don't know how my dad can be so blank and seemingly heartless. We'll be seeing him soon and all I want to say to him is goodbye.

Shannon and I are ebay-ers now. Selling things and planning our sloe gin betty escape from the working world. We have one bid but it's from my mother in-law so though it is sweet it doesn't really seem to count. Tonight the boys are going to the whiskey fest so Shannon and I are going to have an ebay party with a glass or two of booze. I don't know how to be a model, we don't know how to take good pictures, we aren't so good at organizing but it's fun to learn together and try new things like struggling artists.

My red nail polish is chipping just like my soul. I'm feeling moderate today. I was able to clean up the apartment and have energy to redecorate some and clean up my art room but I miss the steady hand, steady heart, being able to close my mouth without my teeth chattering. I want to be a smooth, cinder-calm artistic girl who is strong and stable and effortless.

Schmoe

I took Isabelle for a walk on a new fangled leash and she suddenly became a good girl who doesn't pull and yank this way in that in order to attack leaves and rocks and sniff every inch of grass. Now she is all happy and proud of herself and running around kicking a plastic cup this way and that. Yes, we have a very strange-cute dog.

Yesterday I decided to take my pills that make me sleepy at bedtime rather than throughout the day and it felt so much better. Instead of going to sleep at 8:00, I went to bed at 10:30 and was able to lay in bed and read for half an hour. It was so relaxing to not just fall asleep right away but to be able to unwind from the day, I missed that time and now hopefully it will stay this way.

Today I'm going to use my art room and do some crafts and other such fun things. I don't like having to guide myself on bad days like this. I'd much rather have to go out and get away, but this will be good. I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin, in my own house alone. It's a high struggle but I will try.

the bird is the word

I feel the coolness of the day and remember my Autumns of inspiration where I would write and do art for hours. I miss those times. I miss being calm and stable.

I'm tired again this morning but am going to go out for a long walk with my ipod and then to tidying up the apartment, and getting ready for school. I hate school more than anything these days. It is my evil partner, my downswing.

I want to just stay home and do art, open the window in my art room and feel the cool breeze. It's a mess in there right now so I need to pick things up and think of something to make. I miss being creative so much. Maybe that is a good sign. I don't really know anymore.

I can't believe the economy these days. It's scary. Our 401k and business have been hemorrhaging money. It puts off our home buying ideas which weren't really moving too much anyway. I miss the idea of it though, the hope of it. Now I'm over it, we are doomed to our cute, gorgeous apartment all dolled up with no place to go.

Now to walking and going up up and away to a better mood, fingers crossed. I hope something magical can happen.

mourning

Isabelle is lying next to me upset that I put her bark collar on, she is very serious this morning. Serious, and sleepy with her eyebrows constantly shifting in strange thoughts and proddings. Perhaps plotting my death, perhaps plotting breakfast.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and bought our pumpkins for Halloween, one white and one cinderella pumpkin. Which is a gorgeous pale orange with green sections and nice and squat and wide like someone sat and smooshed a regular pumpkin. They are sitting by the fire place and I love them. They make me feel warm and autumned.

Last night I went to bed at 8:30 and woke up at 8 this morning. I have been incredulously tired lately. It clamors up my spine and straight into my soul. Such a tired, depressed girl these days. I just feel awful, awful. Nothing feels good anymore, nothing is exciting.

But its Autumn and this gives me a shade, a tinge of happiness when I think of slow sweet holidays, bundling up near the fireplace, peppermint mochas, the leaves turning, the cold rush and chill.

Topple

I'm so down in the mornings. I miss my dear Cymbalta. You don't know how good something works until you don't have it anymore.

In other news this was a pretty good weekend. On Saturday I went and got my ears pierced again, I sat in the chair like a little girl and pop there it went and I exclaimed "it's not as bad as a tattoo!" silly me. Then we went to a new restaurant (Pho Asian Bistro) and to see Nick and Norah and the Infinite Playlist. It was pretty cute and the restaurant was great.

Sunday we went to the California Grand to play some poker. Ron had a horrible run which still makes me feel gross to think about, some bad beats and he was incredibly card dead. Me on the other hand...after the first two hours of being card dead I hit a sick rush. I was in for $400 and left with $1900. I made about $166 dollars an hour! Our table was filled with wonderful donkeys so I just stacked up their chips and called them my own. Would have much rather had Ron be the big winner because having that many chips terrifies me, but was glad to build our bankroll.

I have to go to school and stick it out (that's what she said) this week no matter what. I don't want to but will continually recite to myself "I don't give a shit if you don't give a fuck" and remind myself of the stacks of cash at home. Oh I will be such a gangsta. Then to grocery shopping which isn't a very gangsterish thing to do at all but my name will be swizznizzle regardless. Peace.

Blue Sunday

Depressed this morning, hopefully the pills will kick in soon to give me a manageable day. We are getting ready to play poker at some casino, I can't remember the name. It should be good. I think I'm going to wear my boots today and dress girly, the more girly the more I can make them believe I don't know what I'm doing. To bad I'm a tough cookie and not sweet and flirtatious, all these things rack up like dollar signs. So easy to take advantage of susceptibilities. I'm not so good at it though, to shy and somewhat genuine and open booked.

But this morning I'm tired and down, down, down in the black pit of raven wood horror. I'm stuck in the crevice. The monster smacks its lips at me, ready to tear me apart. And I'm trapped and oh so used up to fight it.

We took Isabelle for a walk this morning. the streets were lined with water from the melting frost and sprinklers so she left little wet paw prints everywhere she went like a secret code, a path to home. Now she is happy and running about the apartment like a robot.

Something to say

I'm tired and here with red nail polish. Isabelle and Oliver are sleeping next to me all sweet and cuddly. My eyes want to close and I'm terribly yawny. But its another day and to getting through and having a moderate one unlike yesterday.

Last night I dreamt these aliens came that looked like humans but didn't know how to be human, they knew all our thoughts and would come and live with us like exchange students and we had to teach them how to bathe, how to eat, how to sleep, and if we thought something bad about them they would zap us to death. It sounds silly now, but it was so scary in my established dreamland world.

Last night we went to Wal-Mart in our pajamas and bought this craft I can make today. Little cute pom-pom animals, a skunk, a bunny, a squirrel and an owl. They are very sweet and it will be fun to make and act little.

Yesterday was a bad one, I was so down and creeping depressed. Still am now but trying to be more measured about it and to remind myself this is (hopefully) only temporary. There is just this emptiness right in the middle of me that I hate. This hopelessnes, this lack of passion, this lack of substance and the knowledge that it is taking over and this feeling that I'm losing myself. Depression isn't what I thought it was before I had it: just down in the dumps. Instead its like your constantly losing something, like a death in the family feeling with no one else knowing, but you know and know well and scream inside and no one hears. I'm losing something, I'm losing myself in the brick black cave of death.

Happenstance

A dull morning. I'm down and can't help it for now. I am so tired of struggling so much just to get through the day. But I need to keep trudging through and try try again. I'm going to go for a walk and start moving thoroughly in order to get to a better place. Right now I'm tired, bitter, and filled with melancholy and depression like a sieve.
I couldn't sleep good last night, I woke up every two hours throughout the night and now feel the pin aches of restlessness reverberating through my body.

In other other news, I'm excited for the vice presidential debate tonight. I don't really like Sarah Palin all that much, I'm just so-so about her, but I do like McCain and think overall she was a pretty good pick. I'm interested to see more of her tonight and see how she does in the fire of Washington.

I'm excited for the weekend, especially because its going to rain on Saturday (fingers crossed). Today I'm going to set out our fireplace tools and get our apartment winterized. I'm also going to plan how I can spend perhaps $160 on Curb your enthusiasm, a fur blanket, perfume and a jean skirt. I doubt this can happen unless I get a lotto ticket...and win. But I am happy either way, just wishing and hoping.

Now to getting through this thoroughly terrible Thursday.

Agenda

Yesterday I started working on an agenda for when my parents come. Oh tiring and oh so overwhelming. Now we are going to meet at Starbucks an hour before the battle, how scary and awkward.

I think I am going to get my ears pierced again, I'm excited but nervous since the last time I did it I was nine years old. I imagine a high horror. But it will be cute and I want it, so to doing it this weekend.

I'm tired and restless. Mostly from life and mostly from five pills a day. The thing about taking medicine to improve your mood: side effects. The thing about not taking medicine: dying. I weigh the options constantly and still take the pills to save this little shell of a thing I call myself.

School today and I dread it. Most people have friends or a sit-by-buddy, I have no one and am the lonely girl in the corner feeling awkward and uncomfortable, right where I put myself. I sigh about it and feel alone. Then remember this is only school, in real life I have a life. In college I am my biggest fear: lonesome and disregarded. But to challenge myself to go there today and just sit in it and make love to it and feel it deep in my pining soul and how this makes me more depressed.

Now to exercising for an hour and then to starting the day in a mild mood and expression. Hopefully a mild mood, fingers crossed.